James Michael Sama wants you to know that not everyone is going to hurt you.
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People often ask me where I get the ideas for some of the articles I write. The truth is, a lot of the time, you’ve got to find inspiration in the un-inspirational. People who complain or are negative can often make you say “hey, it really shouldn’t be that way, and I want to say something about it.”
One of these situations that really grinds my gears is when people generalize all relationships as negative. By this I mean they make unattractive blanket statements that classify being with someone as inherently ill-fated. I mean, that really fries my chicken. It seriously burns my toast.
Here are some myths being perpetuated in our society that stem from a fundamental misunderstanding of what a relationship really is. Unfortunately, people may have had these experiences more than once, and begin to generalize as well as begin to express their opinions as overall fact.
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You think everybody cheats.
This one is pretty basic. Kind of like “Why relationships suck 101.” Men cheat, women cheat, or maybe you cheat, and you can only assume that everyone else acts the way that you do. Maybe this has even happened to you more than once.
The truth is…hear me out here…not everybody cheats. There are people out there who possess the self control to understand that a loving, healthy relationship will bring more satisfaction than a temporary physical act. Typically, we call these people “mature, respectable adults” and if you only commit yourself to one of them, you may have a more positive experience.
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You see your friends unhappy.
Maybe you’re single but your friends are in relationships. Maybe they don’t make the best choices when it comes to partners, and they are, overall, unsatisfied. It’s only natural that this will affect your perception of what is normal for our generation, but you are not them, and their circumstances aren’t your circumstances.
If we just take the time to listen, observe, and learn from other peoples’ experiences, we can make better decisions when it comes to our own. You do not have to be a victim of circumstance, you can create your own.
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You think you’ll be held back in life.
You do not have to choose success or a relationship, all you need is to find someone who will support and encourage you along your journey. People, in general, can be lazy and unmotivated. They fall into routines and their happiness or self-motivation dwindles and this negativity can be contagious, especially in a relationship.
It’s difficult to plan a future with someone who doesn’t have any plans for their own future. This is what makes it so important to really get to know someone as well as their hopes, dreams, and ambitions, before you commit to them.
The right person will be your support system, and never discourage you.
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You think you’ll have to give up your friends.
Why is it that so many people feel as though if you’ve got a girlfriend or a boyfriend, you can no longer communicate with members of the opposite sex? This, to me, is a serious trust issue and is a red flag right off the bat. When it is understood that you are two individual people with two individual lives that existed before you knew each other, it makes life much easier.
When you’re happy with someone, wouldn’t you rather introduce them to everyone and become part of each others’ lives, rather than cutting everyone else out?
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You’ve had multiple relationships with the same person.
Have you ever seen a fly that keeps flying into a glass door when there is an open window on another wall, but they never seem to notice it? They just continue to fly into that closed window and when you’re watching, it’s obvious they’ll never get through. You just want to redirect them over to the open window – this is how some people treat relationships.
If you continue to go back to the same person over and over and over again, you are the fly trying to get out of the door. It’s only natural that you’ll think that every other door or window will be closed too, but sometimes, you’ve got to stop and look around the room.
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You’ve been fishing in the same pond.
Perhaps worse than catching the same fish only to throw them back and catch them again, is to continue catching multiple different fish of the same kind.
Many of us tend to stay in the same circles. We often go to the same places on the weekends or fall into a routine that limits how many new people we meet. Similar to the fly in the previous example, this is a situation of how we represent the world to ourselves. We find only what we choose to focus on, and much will be illuminated if we step outside of our comfort zone and surround ourselves with different types of people.
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You think all relationships end anyway, so why bother?
There are two sides to this coin. First, yes – most relationships do end. But, not all of them. Am I saying that you’ll be one of the lucky ones who ends up in a Notebook-esque marriage with a white picket fence, a dog, and 2.5 kids? Of course not. But, to prevent yourself from having a positive experience before it even begins will do more harm than good.
Secondly, why bother? For the same reason I’ve mentioned in previous articles. Sure, relationships end, but so do movies. So do books. So do nice dinners. But we still give our time, effort, and money to experience these things, because it’s the experiences along the way that make life beautiful.
Why bother? Because each person who enters our lives helps us grow into the person we will become.
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What do all of these points have in common? The inherent negativity does not come from the fact that you were in a relationship, but from the person who you were with.
We have all had bad (learning) experiences along the way, but it’s important that we don’t let them contaminate our future.
The next person you bump into when walking around the corner has a completely different genetic makeup, experiential background, family upbringing, and outlook on life than the last person you broke up with.
The question we each have to ask ourselves when meeting someone new is: Am I going to let this person take the blame for the actions of someone they’ve never met, or am I going to explore the entire new world of experiences that they can show me?
The answer is up to you.
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Follow James on Twitter @JamesMSama
Originally appeared at JamesMSama.com
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Photo: iStock
Thing is, people change. And you cannot prevent for that. Sure, you might argue that all those points of yours are just myths. But if they regularly occur to a large group of people around us, are they really just “myths”? You might strike gold and end up lucky. But statistics say you’re much more likely to end up in a disaster, so why invite to that disaster in the first place? ” Sure, relationships end, but so do movies. So do books. So do nice dinners. But we still give our time, effort, and money to experience these things,… Read more »
You know, just going to be the voice of dissent here.. the real reason I think relationships suck is that it’s now so damn hard to get someone to commit to being in one. I grew up being told that being promiscuous for *men* was bad, it made you a pig, or a dog, or a lousy person. So I internalized that. I grew up being told that *all* women wanted a relationship, that women were *never* promiscuous except for the bad ones, and that all I had to do to get a relationship was *commit* which is something that… Read more »
“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley
I may be very wrong here but, the author strikes me as young. Too young to know what the disillusionment of being left for someone younger after 25 years of marriage feels like. How long it takes to recover from betrayal and/or abandonment. How very long it can take to find trust again, if ever. How real people stop expecting that some day they’ll be “one of the lucky ones who ends up in a Notebook-esque marriage with a white picket fence, a dog, and 2.5 kids” because that doesn’t last 50% of the time either. I know. I have… Read more »
That’s a topic for another day. Why some of us care so much about what others think.
Not necessarily relationships, but marriage and cohabitation can be a raw deal for men. You have a 50/50 chance of losing your home, income and kids because of a divorce. what sane man would go with those odds?
James Michael Sama: One of these situations that really grinds my gears is when people generalize all relationships as negative. By this I mean they make unattractive blanket statements that classify being with someone as inherently ill-fated. I mean, that really fries my chicken. It seriously burns my toast. >>> Sounds to me like you are WAY too attached to what other people think. Why should you care so much? If somebody does a cost/benefit analysis for himself or herself, and decides that relationships aren’t worth it for whatever reason, what’s it to you? And more than that, what makes… Read more »
JMS has a blog where he writes about dating and relationships. Therefore, he has an opinion on the subject. GMP asked his opinion on a topic for their website. It’s a business thing. You don’t have to read it, and get your panties in a bundle or burn your chicken or fry your toast or whatever, if it doesn’t suit you. It’s just one man’s opinion. I think the more interesting question is why you are taking this man’s opinion so personally and are so obviously bugged out about it?
I don’t mind that he has an opinion one bit. I do find it silly and amusing that if someone else has a DIFFERENT opinion, he has to boil his bunnies over it.
Part of being a grown up is living with the fact that other people have different opinions than you do, and they’re not wrong if they do. James apparently hasn’t learned that yet.
I’m such a good man that I’m happy to mentor him, at no charge.