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Being in a relationship with a female narcissist can be demeaning and harmful. Take this advice as to whether it’s time to stay or go.
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Let’s face it. Our template when it comes to a narcissist—is a man. The apocryphal poster children—Donald Trump, Kanye West, Tiger Woods—are often men—CEOs, politicians, entertainers, athletes, garden variety bullies.
Many men in relationships with narcissistic women describe the relationships as “emasculating.”
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However, while the statistics are indeed skewed—with narcissism more common in men than women, there are still millions of narcissistic women out there. The patterns are the same—lack of empathy, entitlement, grandiosity, coldness, carelessness, neglect, vanity, superficiality. In some ways, our over-valuation of vapidity in women (just smile and look pretty) can be a hell of a setup and fertile ground to develop narcissistic women. Narcissism in a woman can be even more striking because we “expect” nurturance, kindness, softness, and emotional depth from women—so when the pretty face turns out to be just a façade—it is unsettling.
When I set out to write my book Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist––I struggled with the gender of the pronouns in the book and even built in a disclaimer around my use of “he”. I do not want it to become a man-hating manifesto, and in fact did and do work and talk with many men salvaging themselves from relationships with narcissistic women. Narcissism is narcissism—it doesn’t know from anatomy. Most men who were drawn in by narcissistic partners acknowledge that they were initially dazzled by beauty or sensuality in their partners, and ignored the myriad red flags in the face of these physical characteristics. Before they knew it—they were in too deep. What felt like a sweeping love story, became film noire very quickly.
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The tragic fallout of the narcissistic relationship (whether with man, woman or beast) is that it leaves a person doubting himself. |
Many men in relationships with narcissistic women describe the relationships as “emasculating”—not only do men in these relationships feel like they are “never enough”—many times these relationships are governed by materialism—and so they give and give—to the point of financial and physical ruination. And in the midst of all this giving you may be expecting something back—intimacy, closeness, emotional connection—and while your ships of narcissistic supply and gifts and stuff keep sailing into her harbor, nothing ever seems to come back out.
It will never be enough. The ring won’t be big enough. The neighbors will have a better car. Your job title will not be powerful enough. The vacation will not be posh enough. You won’t be in good enough shape.
For years you may have believed that if you gave her the fairy tale, then it will be fine. So you keep trying to pull the sword out of the stone. The relationship then becomes about the “doing” rather than the “being”. Narcissistic relationships are held in place by the hope of a “someday better.” Letting go of hope is scary as hell.
It won’t be easy, and is often a gradual process of letting go and taking your life back.
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The tragic fallout of the narcissistic relationship (whether with man, woman or beast) is that it leaves a person doubting himself. Self-doubt is a psychological cancer that takes you over slowly and insidiously and creeps into all areas of your life—parenting, career, friendships, day-to-day decision making. When that self-doubt becomes your new normal, and when you are destroying yourself in the process of trying to please an unpleasable partner—it may be time to take stock.
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Ask yourself:
- Do I often feel like I am not enough?
- Does she remind me that “she can do better”?
- Do you keep trying new strategies to make the relationship “work?”
- Does the relationship feel like a one-way street?
- Do I feel like an audience to the show called “her life”?
- Does the relationship feel like a disconnected stage set?
- If there is sex does it feel obligatory and disconnected (for either of you)?
- Do you look forward to your future together?
Leaving isn’t easy, and it may not even be practical. I am a psychologist, and recognize that this has to be a step-wise process—always start with communication. Clear communication in which you take responsibility (“I feel…..”, “I recognize…..” – and avoids the accusatory “You are……….” “You said………….”). But you may have already tried these techniques and couples therapy and all of it. Communication does not work when the other person is not listening.
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We teach men, as we should, to “do the right thing”—but doing the right thing should not entail futile self-sacrifice.
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When the communication is going nowhere, and you are plagued with self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy, you are feeling depressed, distracted, or anxious, you are letting your health go, you don’t look forward to growing old together, or you feel as though you are talking and your partner is not listening—it is time to re-assess. And this re-assessment has to be done within a context of children, shared assets, shared history, nostalgia and dashed hopes. It won’t be easy, and is often a gradual process of letting go and taking your life back. Or if you do decide to stay, re-rendering your expectations and recognizing the desolation of the territory with your narcissistic partner. She is not likely to change. Build your social networks (something men are not always very good at doing) to at least ensure that you have support and sounding boards.
We teach men, as we should, to “do the right thing”—but doing the right thing should not entail futile self-sacrifice. Men often don’t want to leave, and in fact can be more tenacious than women in holding on. Often treating their relationships like endurance tests, and we socialize our boys and men to have “broad shoulders.”
This isn’t about broad shoulders—it is about broad psyches. It is about understanding your narcissistic partner and making decisions accordingly. It is about giving yourself the right to be heard, to be loved, to engage in the reciprocal dance of a loving relationship. The currency of a healthy relationship is respect, kindness, and mutuality. Retain yours and always regard your partner with compassion—it may be the best medicine of all.
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Photo: iStock
Hey everyone! dr_mack@yahoo. com granted all my wishes. Thanks to Dr.mack for bringing my Lover back just in 3 days!
Yeah right lol
I feel like worthless with mine. She is dragging me down mentally and physically and treats me the worst when I’m down. Very material. No real love
I hope you find the courage to leave… I am currently seeing a man who doesn’t even realise his ex wife is a narcissist..and he is co-dependent….imagine! Good luck
Hope the following helps some people not to ignore the red flags as love is blind sometimes!!!!! What Made Me Susceptible To Being Addicted her and being a narcissist sycophant? Narcs are drawn to ”nice” people but they are also drawn to good looking people or rich people. So I understand people who are overcoming addictions (like me) and have an addictive personality. Truly for me, this was the hardest thing about my self-development until I really understood the truth about her. I had always had incredibly addictive tendencies. Alcohol, drugs, cigarettes and being a workaholic and now addicted to… Read more »
What about when you share children with this female monster. And the one of the child turns 18. My female narcissist reminded me that even though one of our child is an adult and going to university, that we still must go-parent because of her supporting her throug school and that their will be graduation and marriage and of course grandchildren. I have lost any hope that I will be ever be free of this woman who has made my life on earth
Hi. I have had an relationship with a married narc. Now.she is not contacting..what should i do. Will she come back
Count yourself damn lucky
Hey! I know a man and when I first saw him I was like: he is perfect and he basically IS very attractive: alpha male, highly intelligent and every woman seems to love him. And he has a good side to him. But then a bad side but ill come back to this later. He is married to someone noone probably has ever seen and from what I have “felt” is that she is very very anxious and he is always afraid of losing her. Yeah. Also i thought to myself: he must love her so much! He gives everything… Read more »
Mine was so evil she forced me into a relationship with her sister. Then the gaslight of blaming me for being with her sister. after she got knocked up, and dumped by her (jerk from heaven), you guessed it I was suddenly good enough for her. These women are Bat Shit Crazy, PERIOD. Run as fast as you can, and never look back, NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hello Everyone, I’ve not written anything on a website like this before…. But I’m desperate for a way to stop ruminating and obsessing over my first heart break and I think she’s a narcissist! It’s been 4 months now since the split and i’m still empty inside. I’m a 27 year old Brit with a good job, friends, health, attractive (i’m told), genuinely a nice guy and a lot going for me… but I’m seriously depressed following the loss of an ex I thought was the one… I’ve lost all energy for everything I found enjoyment in before her. I… Read more »
Hey bro not really sure what I can say or do to help you but reading your post made me feel like I had written it. Your expieiernce is nothing short of what I have been dealing with as well. I wish I could tell you what to do or how to think but I just like you am here trying to find anwsers myself. Pretty shitty feeling having your world turned upside down by someone who really could careless but made you think they did for a while. the shitty part about this whole thing is this girl really… Read more »
Yeah this is the ugliest girl I’ve ever been with
James, My name is James too. She is pure evil, and will never change.
James-look into Melanie Tonia Evans Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. It will help you focus on your own healing–the only thing you have any control over. Peace to you…
Hey James. Sorry to hear about your situation but as painful as it was, it would have gotten worse had you stayed with her and gotten married. I had a similar experience however, once she ended it with me (to be with another guy) I didn’t contact her again. It took me a long time to realise (as you did) that she has some serious psychological issues that will always be there, and no matter what you or I could/should/would have done, those issues will always be there. If you look her up in a few years time you will… Read more »
Hey man, i can relate to that…not completely the same but having a relationship with a narcissist is kind of the same experience everyone gets…with you never being enough for her.Hit me up on my email, maybe we can discuss and find a solution.
[email protected]
Regards
Shoot me a fb invite. Logan savill
James, Stay away from her and count your blessings. Do not be fooled by this woman. The spell she has over you will destroy you if you let it. I am married to a narc and have been tortured by her (while she smiles at my wringing). My youngest has just come of age and I plan to be free for the first time in 30 years. It’s been a nightmare. She cleaned out my accounts, cheated on me, smeared me to my children, etc. etc. While she was a stay at home mom. Healthy people don’t take pleasure in… Read more »
Ei Alex, if buying that flat now feels pointless it could because you were just thinking on buying it for her to accept you.
After 25 yrs I finally extracted myself from the exact relationship your article describes, including all the psychological effects that it had on me. With great effort I wrenched back control of self and seperated. Leaving the children and the family home. It was incredibly painful , but I know it was for the best. Now 6 months on, I am finding my feet and feeling happier on the inside than I have for many years. The ” man ” in me is clawing his way back and is recognizing that I wasn’t the problem and that I was more… Read more »
I’ve been married to a (as i found out later) diagnosed npd for 2 years. What an eye-opening experience! In the end I had no choice but to leave: i was on the verge of collapsing, she got bored with me and was doing everything possible to drive me to the ground while actively pursuing new supplies. I’ve been 6 months no contact and made a lot of progress. But the one thing that I just cannot get rid of is how deeply her sexuality affected me. I have now this subconcious desire to only date highly sexual and seductive… Read more »
Well I’m not a professional but I can explain ur lack of interest in other women by 3 possible reasons: 1- Strong high-testosterone males tend to be sexually submissive to women. Narcissistic women attract these males because those men can take the narc’s behavior as a very strong turn on as long as they’re not thinking rationally. 2- She used sexual things as a way to control u. And now u have assimilated that work hard -> sexual reward pattern (Pavlov). You must have been really good in your dedication to your wife if that’s the case. It’s as if… Read more »
Nick, I can relate to the obsession you have only for a type of woman (physically). My situation was slightly different in that I developed fetish interests and only found women attractive who displayed characteristics of that fetish (eg very high heels). However after a lot of dating, some time passing, I found a “right” woman that enabled me to find sexual interest in her (without the fetish) and the rest is history. At the start I never believed I’d overcome my fetish obsessions but I did. Good luck, try to relax and have faith in yourself.
My God, I could have written that myself. My narcissist exs sexuality has also had a deep affect on me too. And she wasn’t even that hot when I first met her. It’s effected me so profoundly that I always think of her when aroused and even with other women. It’s difficult because it stops me from moving on and I don’t see other women as sexual meaning I don’t pursue relationships with them even though they would almost certainly prove to be better partners. It’s somewhat of a curse.
I too don’t know what to do about that.
I had a very disturbing experience with a woman that has left me in extreme emotional pain. While I am not qualified to diagnose a personality disorder, one of the things that she mentioned was that her ex boyfriend and she went to couple’s counseling and that the therapist made reference to narcissism. I did some research and found that this woman seemed to have the characteristics of someone with Narcissist Personality Disorder. Initially, she was very attentive, complementing me — made me feel great and I soon felt that I loved her. Things began to change after a few… Read more »
Hello, Michael, Finding out that you have been with what I call a Hijackal™ leaves your head spinning. Most people cannot fathom that people actually behave that way! Unfortunately, it is too common and too many people are hurting as a result. Hopefully, having this experience will be enough for you to see the red flags when they rise again, if they rise again. My definition of Hijackals: People who hijack relationships for their own purposes, while relentlessly scavenging them for power, status, and control. Seems your ex fits right in there! If you have any further interest in understanding… Read more »
Here’s the bottom line. People with NPD are basically unfixable. Once in a very blue moon, one will have a great epiphany, and decide they want to be fixed – which is a long, and grueling process. If you choosing to stay because you HOPE she’ll change, you should invest your life savings in PowerBall. NPD’s are total VAMPIRES. They will suck the life out of you. They will destroy you. Get out while you can. Take the children if you can. If you can’t, get a GREAT LAWYER so you get a fair deal during your divorce. It won’t… Read more »
my mother is a pathological narcissistic. my dad killed himself and my three younger sisters behave more like my mom everyday. my mom loved me for the first few years of mu life and then my dad got jealous that she liked me and it has been a crazy hell since. i dont exist to my mom and she always tries to make me feel bad not matter how i act. i take opiates which almost function as a proxy family. my mom actively tries to stop me from feeling good about myself or succeeding, be financially, socially, careerwise or… Read more »
Sell the house before the next R/E Crash (impending). Get out – it will not get better, she already has one divorce under her belt ~ don’t be the sequel. Next time she says she can do better, Tell her to go do so. Kermit dumped Piggy, don’t wait decades to wake up. Flip the switch, ditch that сука ( spell check / auto fill won’t let me type B I T C H)
Thanks for your alls comments. I believe I’m in a simialr situation with my girlfriend of just over a year. I have always thought and shared with her that I am not perfect and have made plenty of mistakes. She started off so sweet and loving and after our first couple of months, things started changing. We are now at the point of nothing I do is right, she sees every conversation as an argument. We don’t get along too well unless I cater to her every need, never “argue” with her, give her everything she wants, never be upset… Read more »
Carl – If not a narcissist , she is certainly abusive. My brother was in a relationship with an abusive woman for 4 years. Like you, he didn’t want to ‘give up’ on her or the relationship. But in the end, it doesn’t matter how many things you do for her or her sons, even if you changed ‘x,y and z’ there would soon be new ‘x, y and zs’ to take care of. This is a deeply emotional issue on her end. And as long as you stay accepting of the behavior, she has no reason to change. I… Read more »
Hi Alex. I could only suggest you have a good long think about what kind of messages your child will pick up about what a “good” relationship looks like. If you wouldn’t wish this kind of relationship on your child (I’m guessing you won’t) then think about how you can make changes. Being in this kind of relationship often leaves you considering your own needs last (if at all), so if it helps to really consider carefully what would be best for your child’s long term well-being, that may help you make some tough decisions. Ultimately you have to look… Read more »
Michael, that’s pretty great advice. I’m sorry you had to go through that. I hope that you find more happiness, peace and stability for your own personal well being moving forward.
I´m in a relationship with a narcissist. We have a kid. I don’t want to leave. What the hell can I do?
Learn to take care of yourself. Learn to set up big, strong emotional boundaries.
Alex. I totally can relate to your situation. Been there and I have an amazing daughter, despite her mother being abusive to me, draining me of my life savings, and still trying to undermine my self esteem. I have had a successful career, am high educated, have amazing friends, and grateful for the life I’ve lived. I stayed because I feared losing my daughter. You won’t if you stand up for yourself, get support through a therapist/counselor/life coach/friends and draw those emotional boundaries. I only maintain a very business-like relationship with my daughter’s mother, straight and to the point. As… Read more »