A lot has been said on the subject of women and men. From lighthearted theorizing about which planets they come from to violent gender wars, it is an ongoing debate. I stand free and unfettered on this ground paved by my sisters gone by, and I am thankful—for every equal opportunity, every breached glass ceiling, my pay parity and my choice. They have braved grave odds, fought tough battles at great personal expense on their bodies and minds, given us these freedoms, and we would do well to guard them zealously.
While women in the United States were making a point by burning their bras, we chose to start by refusing to burn women on their husband’s pyre.
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Feminism in India is constantly evolving. Our brand is a little different from the West having adapted over time to suit our peculiar needs. While women in the United States were making a point by burning their bras, we chose to start by refusing to burn women on their husband’s pyre. The most telling difference was that while they started it themselves by their blood and guts, we joined the movement started by our men. In the decades running up to our independence, a great many reforms were started by aware, educated young men aiming to eradicate gross inequalities in society; they felt that only through the upliftment and inclusion of the less fortunate would their fight against the colonials gain any strength.
Thus, along with the poor, the illiterate and untouchables, Indian women were encouraged to seek equal opportunities and other civil liberties that we take for granted today. Until as recently as the 20th century, women in many parts of the world were denied suffrage and had to struggle long to step out of the second-class citizen status that their countries hoisted on them. In our country, we had a head start, in that we were given equality under law with our independence. However, simply being deemed equal in the pages of our constitution did not give us an equal footing. It did not protect us from the dismal inequality of our patriarchal culture and the regressive outlook of our society. The struggle continued against ignorance, misogyny, sexual subjugation and abuse.
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Each feminist movement and philosophy has an advocacy that works for them. We need to re-define what feminism means to us in our times, and tailor it to better fit ourselves, our less fortunate brethren and our daughters. My thoughts on the subject are perhaps different from those in the mainstream feminist movement. Some purists may even consider parts of it to be regressive and denigrative towards women but it needs to be expressed and explained.
The practical feminist ideals I subscribe to stems from an awareness of my own strengths, limitations and my place in this world. And since I am one of the most liberated women I know, I like to believe that what I have to share will strike a chord with a vast majority of women who live and work in the real world. I believe I am liberated because from as far back as I can stretch my memory, I have never had to apologize for being a girl or bend my will to any man against my better judgment. Not to say that I have only done what I wanted to—I have capitulated, not because I was compelled to as a woman, but because I’ve chosen to do so, as a daughter, wife, mother or friend.
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We need to work for Emancipation, not just for Equality. The latter maybe an impractical ideal for what we really need is freedom—to live our lives the way we want, to do with our bodies what we please, and to have the unquestionable right to be a woman in any way we choose. It is our indelible right to fight for equality in our professional and personal lives but saying we are equal doesn’t make sense because we are different in so many ways. A fine nebulous line, but it is a distinction that is important to make, as by not doing so, we stand to weaken our cause. Evidently, we are at a disadvantage in our country but we also have our strengths that we can tap into. What we should unequivocally strive for is to not be subjugated and to have no will other than ours preside over our destiny.
That we are different from men is a no-brainer and I am seriously bemused by a lot of feminists, both men and women, who deny it. Why are Tennis matches two sets shorter? Why are our hips wider and our bellies fuller? If we look past the obvious, it is also a fact that in everything—from our basal metabolic rate to the neuro-transmitter release in our brain—we are different. If our bodies and our minds are different, it seems very logical that the way we view the world and how the world views us will be different. Our victory and therefore our emancipation lies in our ability to accept that difference and use every little facet of it to our advantage.
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Women grow into a million different shades—the glamorous, the dowdy, the assertive, the meek. That is her basic personality to which one should add a core of steel. Do not apologize for who you are, for that is your strength. Trying to conform and staying within the parameters set by someone else—either the confining society or the non-conformist trying to set you free—can get exhausting over time. If you are loud and assertive, do not try to rein in your words or put on a cloak of docility. If you are the vivacious sort whom the guy without a girlfriend calls a flirt, do not muzzle your smile. If you are soft-spoken and shy, that is exactly how you stay provided you never let anyone push you around. Just be yourself—it is so much easier. Invest all your saved up energy to make sure nobody gives you a short straw. Resist injustice in a manner suited to your personality because a cold stare can be just as effective as a caustic comment.
A woman who cries easily is not always weak and helpless—it just means that she is more expressive. Do not confuse vulnerability with weakness because once the tears are shed, she is ready to take on almost anything and come out on top.
Do not confuse generosity of spirit with being a pushover. Women are biologically wired to be nurturers and caretakers although with the changing social topography, that is no longer the norm. However, even the most liberated woman would open her heart out and give whatever is asked of her. This is perfectly fine, so long as it is given freely and willingly. Every woman has to set her own boundaries on how much to give without feeling cheated or being smothered under a cloud of resentment. Once that boundary is reached, it is important to pull back and either re-negotiate or refuse outright.
Do not apologise for your femininity. God knows the odds are stacked against you, so if once in a while you have to capitalise on your soft skin and doe eyes, there is nothing wrong with that. Everyone—men and women, athletes and politicians—are advised to play to their strengths. I see nothing wrong in using charm and a smile to get your work done. Look gorgeous, put on your war paint, and conquer those odds—it is absolutely fair. I concede at this point that this is a delicate technique to pull off without debasing yourself. What you need to have is a large dose of savvy and vigilance, and for all of us who have used public transport growing up in our country, I’m sure those traits would be second nature.
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Sometime ago, actor Shenaz Treasurywala was mowed under for having written an open letter to the biggest and brightest men of our country imploring them to stand against sexual abuse and in support of women. She was also candid about her own harrowing experiences as a victim of perverted groping hands of men in public places. Strangely, some of the sharpest attacks on her were from women activists. While the ‘decent folk’ were disapproving of her brutal honesty, feminist women got on her case for addressing her concerns to men and betraying our cause! While I admire their courage and independence, I felt they were going about it all wrong. Fight your own battles, by all means, but if men can add to your strength, why renounce them? That to my mind is just nonsensical pettiness which is what puts women at a disadvantage in a lot of situations, and not just in the context of their sex.
To those of us who are blessed enough to have daughters, teach them to stride tall, walk far and be strong, for from where I stand, I have not seen the meek inherit this earth.
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Apart from including Salman Khan in the list of our potential saviours, what Shenaz had to say was absolutely on the money. I do not advocate that we play damsel in distress and look to our menfolk for rescue—you are first and last your own saviour but there is also more than one way to efficiently skin a cat. I will look to my men to be my protectors and be very grateful if they stand up for my cause. It behooves me to choose these men well, in whom I shall place my trust. Maybe I am one of those lucky women or maybe I collect them wisely, but I am surrounded by men who are feminists and I would stand proudly in their shade—there is nothing even remotely demeaning about that. Stand up tall for yourself—like Shenaz did, and slap the sickos even at the cost of getting heckled or injured, but do not spurn a helping hand from a man who cares—it is not fair to them.
As a mother of two boys, I take this role very seriously because it is now incumbent upon me to bring them up to be feminists in their own right. To those of us who are blessed enough to have daughters, teach them to stride tall, walk far and be strong, for from where I stand, I have not seen the meek inherit this earth.
Photo: Author
Somewhat of an unfair comparison.
The women here faced nothing like what has transpired in many other countries, including yours. Even with that, the difference is that in your plight, you turned toward and worked with your men to seek change, while here they turned their hate and blame lose on us, mostly based on revisionism and fallacy…and many still are.
It is why the war here will go on well after you’ve all reached the pinnacle.
Americans are brilliantly stupid sometimes.