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We’re all lightness and darkness. We’re human after all. The universe is Yin and Yang. Yet, for years and until recently, I futilely fought against my darkness. I had to be perfect. Actually, I had to be better than perfect: I had to be all lightness without darkness.
There’s no peace in this.
From the time I was very young, perhaps 8 years-old I was very angry, mostly very scared. Growing up at home, Dad terrified me. He was so mad with me so much of the time. I was left not being enough: not smart enough, not strong enough, not good enough. Only in middle age did I get that Dad’s anger masked his greater fear, his fear that he didn’t know how to raise me. He was doing his best in his mind. Perhaps, what his Dad did to him as well.
However, when you’re 10 years old and screamed at for apparently no good reason, that transformed awareness even looking back holds little consolation. I get what my “spiritual” twin Actor Martial Artist Dolph Lundgren said about his way more abusive Father, “You freeze…” Yeah, like Dolph I balled up that tremendous rage deep inside. The problem was that darkness has to come out sometime. And it does.
Consequently, I had a horrible temper from the time I was a kid. I’d get very angry when I perceived that I didn’t do something “good enough”. I thought, “Jon, How can you be so stupid? So weak!” That was really Dad’s voice in me. I’d get mad at others sometimes. Mostly, I got mad at me. Relentlessly. Then I’d get even angrier that “I got angry”. It was the self-fulfilling prophecy of “not good enough” that snowballed. I had yet to learn my lesson of forgiving myself.
So instead of accepting my anger, my personal darkness and making peace with that I chose to hide it. I wanted to be all lightness. Yeah, that didn’t work. Yet, I invested all my energy to perpetuate the façade. As a result I was constantly on edge, never relaxed. Tense. Oh, so rigid in spirit. I had to be all lightness. Essentially, I wanted to be more than human. That did not go well.
Fortunately, I discovered those on my journey who enlightened and made the profound difference. Sensei Dan became the Father I needed to become the man I wanted to be. Through Sensei and our training together in Aikido, I took to heart the words of O-Sensei, “True victory is victory over oneself.” That’s the lifetime of training and discovery.
Sure outwardly Sensei was like my Dad, second-generation Japanese, gruff and very Old-School. Yet, when he yelled at me it wasn’t out of fear or anger that sourced my Dad; it was that he listened and saw the greater man within waiting to arise. Sensei was not one for sentimentality, but his message was clearly that of love. That made all the difference for me.
Sensei would always say, “Jon, make it work.” What he was really saying, “Make you work.” Slowly, I accepted my darkness by gradually letting it go. Let my anger just be.
I befriended John, my mentor and brother. John and I met during my transformational training years. John taught me the possibility of unconditional love for all people. John distinguished that I needed to forgive myself, for my darkness, for my humanity. Dolph said, “You have to learn to love yourself.” Amen, Brother.
I befriended my spiritual guide in Victor. Victor would always say, “Chill out.” Really, he told me, “Jon, you gotta let go.” Victor made me look at my relationship with my Dad as a child, and forgive. I’m grateful to Victor for helping me to “lighten the fuck up”.
I work with my Therapist Lance in looking at my childhood fears. Looking at my fear is truly frightening. Yet, it allows me to accept my darkness and heal myself. I’ve learned to be more forgiving of me. There is peace in this discovery too.
“Beauty is in its imperfection.” That’s the Japanese aesthetic – wabi-sabi. I got that from my dear friend Cheryl. Perfection is a grand illusion. Rather who’s to say what’s perfect? No one. Actually, being perfect ain’t human. I get from Cheryl that we have power in embracing our imperfection. That’s the power of acceptance. That’s learning to love me, myself too.
The peace within all of us is accepting both our lightness and our darkness. That’s accepting one’s grace and humanity. Really, we all have to learn to love ourselves. That I believe is the beginning of Peace in the World.
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Photo credit: Pixabay