Earlier this year, Rolling Stone magazine published an article about the skyrocketing rate of teen suicide, depression and anxiety that is plaguing our country and much of the Western world.
It was a well-researched and articulated article. The actual statistics do show a significant increase in suicide rates since the previous generation.
I, however, do not agree that we simply do not know why this is happening. Clinical psychologists who work with teens and families have been sounding the alarm for years.
In 2015, The Atlantic (finally) covered the story of the exceptionally high number of suicides in Silicon Valley. A number of years ago, I used to work as a psychologist in Silicon Valley and can tell you that the one thing that professionally drove me crazy was that all of my patients wanted to talk about what was really going on but the adults wanted to pretend it wasn’t happening.
Exhausted from feeling unheard and told to get back to studying, I watched the light go out on our nation’s brightest stars. They acquiesced to their parents’ wishes for a more conventional educational and career path when their hearts wanted something more. They acquiesced to their teachers who continued to push them to “achieve more” because they were “capable.”
They were called lazy or, my favourite, unmotivated. And yet, in my office, I saw some of the most creative and innovative thinkers who, quite literally, could go out and change the world one day. Except, in a state of complete exhaustion and fear, they simply wanted to give up.
. . .
A Generation of Insecurity
I remember what it was like to be that age. I think most of us older millennials do. Anxiety was definitely a concern that few people talked about. I struggled with both anxiety and depression as a teenager — both before and after the sudden death of my father.
I remember the feeling that there was not one single adult who seemed to understand the hell that I was living in. I remember being completely unmotivated by my schoolwork. I remember the AP history teacher who expected “great things” from me simply because he thought I was capable (the pressure caused more anxiety and I only achieved an “average” score on the test).
I remember hiding and pretending everything was okay when it wasn’t. That is how my generation made it through — we pretended.
Our next-generation doesn’t wish to pretend any longer. Our educational system no longer suits their needs and they are tired of being kept in a box. The very things they have been told they should want and work for (college) has been tainted by American’s lovely college admission scandal, huge student loan burdens and being exposed to entrepreneurs who have made it big but never went to college.
College, which was considered just another step for my generation to learn and grow socially, has become a huge life decision that is putting an enormous amount of psychological and financial pressure to figure out a career too soon.
In addition, there is not nearly enough social and emotional support. These kids are wonderfully sensitive, creative and, for the first time since my grandparent’s generation, highly motivated by healthy relationships. These are the very qualities parents have struggled to pass on to their children through the years. We have focused so much on raising empathic and compassionate kids that we forgot what it is like to have those sensitivities at such a young age. We imparted our wonderful values but forgot to change the systems to provide the necessary support they would need to thrive.
Sensitive kids and teens need an educational environment that supports their emotions — all of their emotions. They need teachers who can roll with the negativity one day and the sublime happiness on another day.
They need adults who take their relationships with these children seriously and commit to helping them understand and to learn to regulate these emotions. They need leaders in their community who can tell stories of triumph over the darkest times, who make it clear that depression is not an unusual occurrence and support their exploration of the right type of support needed to overcome their challenges.
Most of all, our children need adult warriors who are capable of helping them deal with fear.
Our nation’s suicide rates have gone up because we finally have a generation of teenagers sensitive enough to make a difference in the world. We, unfortunately, are now incubating them in a climate of fear and toxicity.
We can sit and blame our current president for spearheading the spread of fear and toxic insecurity or we can all start to take responsibility for how we react to fear.
. . .
An Epidemic of Trauma
The majority of adults cannot regulate their emotional responses to fear either and our children have figured it out. They are alone in their darkest times while we tweet insults at each other in the name of politics.
Additionally, we have an epidemic of trauma in this country and around the world. The type of trauma that will impact this generation the most, and the one we don’t often talk about, is relational in nature.
From cyberbullying to in-person bullying, from teen dating violence to sexual assault, from witnessing domestic violence to dealing with the fall out of high conflict divorce, our children and teens are screaming for help. We are simply too distracted to listen to what they need most.
We don’t listen because we do not take relationships or the science behind why relationships matter seriously and somehow think that one is supposed to figure this out alone.
By not listening, we open the door for our teens to self-medicate at levels that may not have been seen before rather than use their relational strengths to teach them how to better cope.
We, as the adults, need to work on our own toxic insecurity. We need to get to a place where we are not scared of negative emotions or emotions in general. We need to put a stop to the high level of emotional avoidance (which is a fear-based reaction) and teach the skills both sensitive souls and non-emotional people need to thrive in their environments.
We must prioritize emotional regulation and other executive functioning skills over test scores and we must provide much more emotional support to our children. We must also value creativity and innovation way beyond where we are today. Our children need less lecture and more positive in vivo learning experiences.
. . .
Taking Responsibility
The only way we are going to be able to help our youngest citizens is if we all take full responsibility for being the grown-ups this new generation deserves. To do this means we will have to consciously face our own ego and realize the depth of insecurity that sits just below our calm demeanor.
We have to heal our own inner child who didn’t get what these children are screaming for. We have to stop calling them names and realize they just became our most important teachers.
They are yelling at us to get our emotions back in balance as a culture or simply face the consequences. We are a society completely out of balance and are taking no time to recalibrate.
The time has come for all of us to make more mindful choices in our everyday life. In our current political climate, fear is being used in an effort to control people.
Our media buys into it. The Democratic debates have succumbed to it. The latest spat between Clinton and Gabbard only highlights the point this generation is making.
It is time for the adult children to sit down and for the real adults to stand up and lead from a place of fearlessness. We need our warriors back who fight and advocate from a place of real emotional security, not impulsivity.
Our children need an example of what real leadership in the face of danger looks like. Not what a tirade of name-calling on Twitter looks like.
Emotions become contained when you feel safe and our children are saying they no longer feel safe. We have to wake up. Time has run out.
. . .
We know where the increase in suicide is coming from. The problem is that we are all too distracted to listen.
What is it that you are going to do to take care of yourself so that you can pave the way forward for this generation? Are you committing to a healthy lifestyle that incorporates a meditation practice to manage your own anxiety or are you going to continue to blame others (including your children)?
Are you committing to spending more time with friends and family that uplift your spirits or are you going to say you don’t have time and hang out with the psychopaths at your office?
Are you going to get on social media and focus on the positive or are you going to yell at people, defriend everyone who disagrees with you, and hold onto your anger for the next ten days?
Are you going to treat all the connections you make through dating with kindness and respect or are you going to be judgmental and ruthless in your selection process?
Are you going to make time for fun and joy or avoid your emotions through workaholism?
Every day you have the choice to show a young person what it means to regulate your emotions and face fear with real courage. You have the choice to show kindness and respect in the real world.
You are a role model whether you want to be one or not. The choice to be a positive influence is entirely yours.
Our children are watching. When they see that emotions can be regulated they may start to believe there is enough hope to do the hard work of overcoming their own mental health challenges.
It is one thing for me as a professional to say to them that there is hope even when the work to get there is hard, it is another thing for them to see you and everyone else in their community living it every day and still choosing to believe that a life is worth living.
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This post was previously published on Mind Cafe and is republished here with permission from the author.
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