I can’t remember a time when I didn’t want a romantic relationship; I wanted one so badly and for so long. “I feel like once I find a boyfriend, I’ll be fully happy. That’s the one puzzle piece that’s missing,” I told people.
So, when I found a guy who found me attractive and wanted to hang out often, I felt thrilled. I became more and more excited as time passed and he continued to want to hang out with me.
But then his texts became sporadic, his attention sparse. My mood changed along with it. I identified as the cliche in which a girl waits by the phone, hoping her crush would call, even though days pass before he does. I often felt needy, sad and worrisome.
He would respond to me every few days or so, keeping my attraction and hope alive. However, each time, silence followed those positive moments.
We can describe this phenomenon as “breadcrumbing,” which is the act of giving someone attention — aka, bread crumbs — only when they’re losing interest to keep them holding onto your relationship without having to put in much effort yourself. Breadcrumbers essentially use another person to make themselves feel better, to give themselves a relationship that’s easy and esteem-boosting. I wrote more about my experience here.
But despite my ever-changing emotions, I didn’t want to let go. I was excited about whatever kind of relationship we had, and I worried I wouldn’t find anyone else soon.
But eventually, I realized I felt unhappy more often than I felt happy, and what he was giving me was simply not enough. I realized I would find someone who loved me and treated me right, and I needed to let go.
And I’m so glad I did.
Below are eight quotes that can help prevent breadcrumbing and encourage you if you’re currently in it or have experienced it in the past.
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1. “Respect yourself and others will respect you.” — Confucius
One hard lesson I had to learn through therapy was I struggle with self-respect. Sometimes, I want something so badly or am so afraid of conflict that I’ll put up with people and situations that aren’t the healthiest.
When we allow certain negative behaviors from others and act like it’s okay, we’re teaching the other person that that behavior is okay with us and they can keep doing it. (With abusive situations, however, this is different and more complicated.) I realized I needed to stop giving him attention whenever he wanted it when he certainly wasn’t doing that for me. I needed to show him what behavior wasn’t okay.
2. “Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you or makes you happy.” — Robert Tew
Another hard lesson I had to learn: If a person or situation doesn’t improve our lives, and especially when they make us feel worse, we need to walk away. We must learn we deserve better, and that our leaving them is self-care, not selfish. We have to remember we deserve good things and we don’t have to put up with the bad.
3. “Every one of us needs to show how much we care for each other and, in the process, care for ourselves.” — Princess Diana
My problem was not my ability to care for him — it was my ability to care for myself. He, on the other hand, had the opposite problem. Through Princess Diana’s quote, I learned I can’t keep giving myself without receiving anything in return. Just as I took care of him, I needed to take care of myself as well. We all deserve and need love and support.
4. “When you make a mistake, respond to yourself in a loving way rather than a self-shaming way.” — Ellie Holcomb
I’m someone who’s quick to feel shameful, inadequate and invalid. However, by ruminating on negativity, we only make ourselves feel badly. Through therapy, I’ve learned the importance of treating myself with compassion and understanding. When I can validate myself and feel more understood, I can feel better more quickly and more sustainably. Self-shaming won’t get us anywhere — in fact, it’ll make us feel worse.
After I let go of the relationship in which I was breadcrumbed, I had to validate the hurt parts of me that led me to put up with his behavior and give myself the compassion he didn’t. I also reminded myself I’m not the first person to find themselves in an unhealthy relationship, and my experience doesn’t make me “bad,” “dumb” or “dirty.”
5. “She remembered who she was and the game changed.” — Lalah Delia
When I was in the thick of the relationship, I was so caught up in excitement and wanting someone to love me romantically that I forgot I deserved more than what he was giving me; I didn’t realize at the time he was giving all he’d be able to give.
However, when I realized how sad I felt and how often I felt that way, and realized I deserved and would eventually find someone better, I made changes. I was honest with him, told him what we had wasn’t working, and that I thought it was best if we didn’t talk for the time being. I knew if we continued to interact, my feelings for him and the ups and downs of our relationship wouldn’t go away. I needed space.
A few months later, I found myself in a new relationship in which I’m loved so well. I’m so happy I remembered who I am and changed the game.
6. “I will not try to convince you to love me, to respect me, to commit to me. I deserve better than that; I am better than that… Goodbye.” — Steve Maraboli
I realized if I needed to work hard for his attention and wasn’t getting what I needed from him, I needed to find someone else. I realized I deserved and would find someone who loves me freely and of their own volition, and our relationship wasn’t meant to last.
We shouldn’t have to beg people to love, respect and commit to us — we’ll find someone who does that naturally and makes us so much happier. I encourage you to think about relationships you’re in and what you need, and if the two align. If they don’t, take care of yourself and don’t put up with any less than you deserve (which is a lot).
7. “One day you will find someone who will treat you like the most important person in [their] life and love you to the core.” — Aarli Rharana
One reason I was so scared to give up that relationship was I worried I wouldn’t find someone else to love me. I had wanted a relationship badly and for so long. However, if I wanted to find a better relationship, I had to give up the one that wasn’t good for me, yet was still taking up my time. I realized I would eventually find someone who would make me happy and love me well, and that losing this relationship was worth it. The ups and downs became too much for me. I accepted it was time to let go and that I needed to trust in God and the future.
8. “There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.” — C. S. Lewis
This quote has helped me get through a lot of emotional situations. As far as getting out of the breadcrumbing relationship I was in, this quote reminded me I would find someone who deserved me and would love me deeply. I had reason to hold onto hope and believe the future would be better, and I needed to leave him and the past behind. Months later, I confirmed this with my new partner who’s made my life so much better.
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Remember, you’re worth more than breadcrumbs — you’re worth a bread loaf. You’re worth all the attention and love you need. Not only that, but you’ll find it too. Until then, give yourself compassion, understanding and hope. Work on self-care and self-respect, if you need to, and remember that doing so will help you have a better future with a better partner.
Cutting off the relationship may not even feel all that sad — after I cut it off, I felt free. I felt hopeful and excited about the good I knew was coming. I felt empowered after feeling powerless for so long. I felt proud of myself for realizing and doing something that was far from easy, especially as someone who’s been described as “overly nice” and “terrified of conflict.”
And maybe most importantly, remember this: The way they treated you doesn’t reflect on you, but on them. You aren’t any less worthy or any less special just because someone mistreated you. You did your best with tough situations and you’re not alone. You are important, loved, wanted and needed, all the time, and even when it doesn’t feel like it.
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Previously published on “Hello, Love”, a Medium publication.
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Photo credit: Nathan McBride on Unsplash