I’d say it’s surprisingly common to keep repeating the same mistake — but it’s not so surprising at all, really. After all, there’s always a reason for these mistakes, and that often doesn’t change.
If you want to make sure that you won’t repeat the same mistake over and over again, if you want to make sure you get into a healthy relationship, read on.
Who’s to blame?
A couple of years ago, I played darts again for the first time since I was a kid. It was in an office I just started working in, and they often played a game after lunch. Needless to say, I completely sucked at it at first.
But naturally, when you play darts, you self-correct. If the first throw hits the wall two feet below the board, you know you gotta aim higher and/or throw stronger. If the next throw ends up above the board, you have to dial it down again.
Not exactly rocket science.
You try your best, observe the outcome, reflect on what you have to do differently, and try again.
And yet, in relationships or in dating, we often think completely differently.
When the women you date all seem to be a bit crazy, or possessive, or manipulative, or whatever else — it’s easy to put the blame on them. They are being crazy, after all.
But here’s the thing: You can’t change them. You can only change yourself. So instead of looking outward for something or someone to blame, look inward and find something to improve.
When it’s only you and a darts board, it’s easy to focus on the only variable there is: Your throw. (Though some people still blame the darts, the board, or anything else they can think of.)
But as soon as there are other people involved, it becomes much easier to blame others. It’s more comfortable because it doesn’t question our own capabilities, qualities, or even our self-worth. It’s a natural defense reaction.
However, even with all those people and other variables in our lives: Ultimately, we are in control. We can’t always control what happens, but we are in control of our reactions and how we navigate our lives.
So you could focus on pushing blame around — but even when someone else really is at fault, even if others really are toxic… you can’t change them. So why bother putting time and effort into making them responsible and yourself the victim?
Control theory
A thermostat can keep your room at any temperature within a certain range, assuming you don’t leave the window open.
It does this by measuring the room temperature and controlling the heat source, the radiator. Then, it keeps measuring and adjusts as the temperature changes.
It doesn’t blame the badly insulated walls, or the open fridge, or the cold weather outside.
It achieves control of the temperature because it can measure what’s going on and control its own actions (turning the heat up or down) until it hits its target.
If all you can do is reflect on what you are doing, observe the results, and interpret the results (good or bad), and then adjust your actions, you have everything you need to achieve whatever you want.
But first, you have to be able to self-reflect whenever something goes wrong.
Reflect as if your life depended on it… because it does
When you go on a date that turns out boring. When your relationship is driving you crazy. When you feel abandoned again. When you cheated and regret it. When your partner cheated.
Almost everything in our lives is in some way a result of who we are, how we think, or how we act. So if you don’t like what’s happening in your life, find the cause within yourself — it’s the only thing you can change.
Even if it’s simply “I keep putting up with people who mistreat me” — that’s something you can change. Beneath that, you may find that you accept this treatment because you feel like you aren’t good enough for someone who treats you well.
To become a master Olympic archer, you have to practice a ton, obviously. Most of that is devoted to a very simple process: You have a target, you try to hit it, and then adjust if you don’t. I liked that in archery — it’s only you. You are 100% in control of the outcome. No bad teammates, no cheating opponents. You get the score you deserved based on your actions alone.
Life is more complicated than that. But I believe the approach should be the same.
Reflect on anything that didn’t go right, anything that didn’t make you feel good. Even if it’s just a minute while sitting on the toilet.
- Why have I acted this way?
- What did I do to make or allow others to act a certain way?
- What would I have liked instead?
- And how do I need to change to make it happen?
When you think like this, you become the captain of your life, take control of your ship even in a raging storm, and do your best to get out of it. One day at a time.
As an archer, you don’t sit down with an archer-therapist once after a bad shot and they “fix you” so you suddenly win medals. It’s all about getting a tiny bit better every time you practice. Work on one little flaw, on one little bad habit. And over the course of years, you go from hitting “somewhere on the target” to hitting it dead-center consistently.
Most people eventually figure things out. But until then, they may be repeating the same unhealthy patterns or negative habits for days, weeks, or even years.
With constant reflection of what’s going on in your daily life, you can drastically shorten the time it takes from “something’s wrong” to figuring it out and fixing it.
Self-reflection and clear self-awareness is the key to getting better and living a happy life. Because if you can’t see what’s wrong, you can’t fix what’s wrong. And if you can’t fix what’s wrong, how can you move towards what’s right for you? How can you meet your soulmate or have a healthy relationship? You can’t.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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