I have several male friends. One thing I’ve noticed over the years — they often lie to their wives and girlfriends. Not because they are cheating. But because it makes their lives easier.
I’m not saying men don’t cheat and of course the lies can truly escalate when that happens. But lying occurs for a host of reasons. And it continues to occur because it works to his benefit. For example:
- He’s lazy and doesn’t want to do certain chores. He’d rather play video games. So he pretends to not know how to do laundry. After he ruins several of your bras, you never let him do this chore again. He wins.
- He doesn’t want to go to brunch with your parents. It doesn’t matter that you go out of your way to include his family in events even though his father drinks too much and his mother is passive-aggressive. Channeling his mom, he’ll agree to the brunch plans, then, the day of, cancel because he’s got an emergency at work. What are you going to do? Keep him from the job that pays the rent?
- He doesn’t like your new hair style but he pretends to not notice or he’ll say it looks great because he doesn’t want you to be angry with him.
- He would love to try a new sexual position or try a three-some or watch porn together but he won’t mention it to you because he doesn’t think you’ll go for it.
- He is stressed out about being responsible for doing the taxes and he doesn’t feel he can fix the toilet, but he pretends everything is fine because, you know, he’s the man and he’s worried you will respect him less if he can’t do his job.
- He is really sad or frightened or lonely, but he won’t tell you. He knows women don’t find real vulnerability sexy. When he’s tried to share those feelings with his last girlfriend or his ex-wife, it did not go well. So why would he open up to you?
Of these reasons for lying, only the first two are the real province of douches. And even really great, respectful men can be guilty of acting like this if they feel they have no choice.
If you want your man to be honest with you, you have to create a safe place for him to share how he really feels and thinks. And that will take a lot of patience and a commitment to honesty on your part.
It means you have to be open to his emotions and thoughts even when they are not pleasant for you to hear. If you react with judgment when he shares honestly with you, he will clam up and it will be much harder to get him to share again. So you need to be prepared for the fact that genuine honesty may force you to see a side of him that you may not like. Nevertheless, if you want real emotional intimacy, you need to give him that safe space.
Please understand, this does not mean you cave on things that matter to you.
For example, if he wants to have anal sex and your response to that is “hell no!”, that is fine. But you can acknowledge his desires without making him feel guilty or deranged. You can let him know that you still respect and love him even if you won’t do that particular act. Simply by being a safe place for him to share that particular desire, you provide him with a way to let off steam. And you can reward him for his honesty by suggesting other ways to spice up your sex life that you are more open to.
Of course, not every man deserves your honesty. If he’s abusive, an NPD or in some other way toxic or dangerous, you need to prioritize your own safety. But if you are with a decent man, it’s worth showing him the trust that a safe space provides.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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