His face might say, “Whatever, brah,” but his heart is saying, “Dude, bro.”
By Frank Kobola
1. Whether the restaurant he chose is not only something you like but something that reflects positively on him, as if choosing Olive Garden speaks volumes about the purity of his soul. One of the worst things that can happen to a guy on a date is if their date doesn’t like the menu. The only things worse than that is if our date dies or we die while on the date. And for whatever reason, if we take you to a restaurant we really love, and you don’t love it, then we’ll never get married. As if “we don’t both love the same Italian bistro” is a valid reason for a breakup.
4. If he’s talking enough or if he’s just overcompensating and dominating the conversation. A lot of that is our date’s personal preference, so it’s impossible to tell if you like the fact that there’s no awkward silence or if you think we’re just an asshole. This would be much easier to figure out if we were psychic.
5. What he’s even talking about in the first place. Should he talk about politics or will that make him look pretentious? Or worse, will we get in a fight over it? Suddenly, even harmless subjects have pros and cons. Bringing up the weather makes us look boring. Discussing TV makes us look like we watch it too much. Books make us look like nerds. Suddenly, nothing is appropriate and we are going to die alone.
6. Oh, no, can you see how much he’s sweating? Time to never move our arms beyond our elbows because we just sweat through our shirt. Did you see it? We can’t tell, but maybe you’re just playing it off. GODDAMN IT, SWEAT GLANDS.
7. Are you judging him right now? You are, aren’t you? But that’s the point of a date, so I guess that makes sense. This would feel a lot less intense if we felt like this was a judgement-free zone, though, like Planet Fitness’s weight room.
8. Is he drinking too much? Is two drinks too much or not enough? Are you waiting for us to order another round, or if we do, are you going to make a face and not order. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM US?
9. Did you only order a salad because you want this date to be over? Maybe you just ordered something you can eat as fast as possible so you can leave.
10. Is he being nice to the wait staff, or is he being too nice and coming off like a nerdy dad? Was that joke in poor taste? Are you smiling to be polite or do you really like puns?
11. Should he kiss you at the end of the date? We probably should’ve have thought about this before we even ordered the appetizers, but now we can’t stop thinking about it. Great, now we’re super nervous and can’t focus on anything.
12. Oh, man … how should he kiss you? Are you one of those quick-peck-on-the-cheek girls, or should we push you up agains the wall and kiss you long and deep? And we can’t ask you, because that’s just lame.
13. Are you going to see through his awkward invitation to come back to his place and watch a movie? You know “movie” is code for “sex” right? Because you’re saying “yes” to coming back to our place right now and I’m not sure we’re on the same page.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan. Reprinted with permission.
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