There are things in life that happen right out of the blue.
You stand there and think,
“Wow, never in a million years did I ever imagine this would happen.”
And that’s where I’ve been lately.
Carla has been spilling the beans about the state of her marriage, and to say that I’m shocked is to understate.
You know it’s bad when your therapist asks how on earth you’ve lived like this for twenty years. Because that’s exactly how the conversation went when she met her shrink last week.
Look, it’s easy — probably even expected — for friends to side with each other. But when a professional says you’re in an abusive marriage, then you know the burn is real.
So if your spouse exhibits any of the following traits, you, my friend, might sadly be in an abusive relationship and not even know it.
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They are agreeable to a fault.
You know why I would never have smelt the rat in their marriage? Like, never? Because Pete has always been so kind and extremely agreeable to Carla.
I mean, at some point, I thought to myself, “How lucky is this babe?”
Little did I know that this agreeableness was a weapon to get her to do everything he wanted her to do when it came down to it.
You see, emotional abusers don’t always have to be mean. Nah, some of them play really smart.
They have the one thing they latch onto to make you hinged on them.
They could be generous to a fault.
They could be there at your beck and call.
Or they may never want to leave your side.
And doesn’t all this sounds like love? I mean, isn’t this what every person wants? Think again.
Emotional abusers know what you need and are always ready to give it to you because it gives them the ability to control when they need to. They want you wrapped on their thumb — every day.
And why is this?
Look at our adorable Pete, for example.
This dude has no friends. The only acquaintances he has are those he has met through Carla. As such, he loves to stay home and watch soccer in his free time.
Nothing wrong with that.
She, on the other hand, fans her flame by being around people. And therein lies the problem.
Because you tell me, how easy is it for Carla to get out when her husband wants her at home — and by his side — always? Bear in mind that he literally does everything she asks.
Not easy. Right?
The truth is that when people give you things or treat you a certain way to get you to comply, you become their victim. It doesn’t matter what they do; it’s the intention that matters. Emotional abusers will do anything for you to manipulate you and control you.
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Your spouse is into you a bit more than usual.
Speaking of friends, Pete has no friends. He really doesn’t.
Sure, he tags along when Carla organizes lunches with her friends, but he never takes the initiative to form his own friendships. His whole existence revolves around her.
And while I get that not everyone likes to be around people, I firmly believe that everyone needs at least one solid connection with someone else who isn’t their spouse.
And because Pete has no friends, he doesn’t like it when she hangs out with her friends. Feeling left out has never been a good feeling, right? So, he calls frequently to ask about insignificant stuff — that can wait — meaning she can never fully let her hair down and have a good time.
She can always feel his looming shadow hovering no matter how far he is from her. After a while, this feeling morphs into guilt, and the poor girl heads back home.
You see, spouses who stifle you and deny you the space to spread your wings or just be yourself are emotionally abusive though it’s easy to think, “They’re really just into me a bit more than normal.”
No Felicia.
Healthy lovers want you to be happy and whole and be your best possible version. It’s that simple.
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They want to be involved in everything you do.
Remember what I said about Carla spilling the beans? This one thing was a surprise because I hadn’t noticed it then.
Each time Carla and I hung out, she would take photos of us and send them to him or post them on social media.
I thought it was cute. Besides, isn’t the entire world taking pictures left, right, and center anyway?
It turns out she’s always needed to prove to him that she was just hanging out with a friend. If she didn’t, he would sulk.
In a way, she felt she had to “include” him in whatever she was doing, as this was the only way not to rock the boat.
If that’s not a huge red flag screaming (many things) but most of all, insecurity, I don’t know what it is.
I asked if she had ever done anything to make him this edgy and insecure, but apparently, he’s been this way from the get-go.
I’m talking two whole decades of this.
For me, this is a personality trait that I dare say can’t be changed. And honestly, my friend shouldn’t have ignored it when it first popped up, but here we are.
Anyway, the point is that people who are insecure and co-dependent, who can’t take a step back and let you do your thing, need serious help.
When you think about it, people whose lives revolve around you don’t actually mean well. It’s a lot to put on someone’s shoulder — having to carry them every moment of the day.
You can’t do life carrying the weight of yourself and then someone else’s. It’s hard enough having to manage yourself, much less another human. Damn.
…
But that’s not all the weight they place on your shoulders.
So this happened.
One day, Pete’s and Carla’s kids were on a sleepover at a friend’s house. Carla was meant to pick them up after work, but her shift got extended. Naturally, she texted hubby.
Anyway, when she returned home at nine, the kids were still at the sleepover. The mister hadn’t picked them up because she had forgotten to tell him.
How did it get here, you ask?
Well, because over the years, he’s relegated the responsibilities of the kids and the home to her. It’s been a long time since he stopped thinking for himself.
But hey, this is the same dude who would do anything she asks — so let’s all calm down.
However, being an adult means you don’t need to be told what to do every. Single. Time. At some point, you must think for yourself and help carry the load that kids and marriage bring.
It’s heartbreaking to think how many spouses are overworked.
- They cook dinner every day, no matter how tired.
- They alter their timetables to make it for their kids’ school events because no one else will attend.
- They book dental appointments because they’re always the first ones to spot that tooth growing in the wrong spot.
- It’s their personal calendars’ that are circled and color-coded because they’re the only ones who know when payments of this and that are due.
It’s a lot.
Final Thoughts:
This list isn’t exhaustive. Not by a long shot.
What’s clear, though, is that these signs are everywhere, and it’s easy to miss them.
Some people just accept things and resign to their fate — especially after several years of marriage under their belt.
But no matter how you look at it, it’s still unfair.
Look, I’m old enough to know that perfect marriages do not exist. Maybe on Mars?
But, I also know that at some point, too much is really that: Too much.
So if you’re in a situation like Carla’s, I suggest talking to your spouse and redefining your boundaries. You deserve to breathe. Marriage shouldn’t be a life sentence.
It’s never that serious.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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