I had an epiphany recently.
While we discuss how other attachment styles can transition into a secure attachment style, we skip over discussing those who have reached the promised land.
I don’t want to put people who have reached secure attachment on a pedestal, but I also wouldn’t like to miss an opportunity to highlight what created the success you have.
I talk to those with other attachment styles about the journey to secure attachment, but what does it look like when you cross the finish line?
What does it look like when you’ve been secure your entire mature life?
It is one thing to build a foundation for behavioral changes, but it is another to be aware of how you implement them.
So, how can you recognize when all your hard work has paid off? Let’s take a quick look.
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Buffalo in a storm
I learned something new throughout my attachment style journey. Did you know that bison run straight into storms?
Ok, so what does that have to do with secure attachment?
Think about the last time you had to deal with conflict. Did you run from it, did it make you overwhelmed, or did you attack it head-on?
Those who have learned about embracing the weight of emotions know you have to hit them head-on.
Through negative programming and before your transition, you thought of emotions and feelings as a reflection of yourself.
“If something is troubling me, the problem must be inside, or I need to run from what I perceive is causing it.” A partner, turmoil with someone you’re dating, etc.
When you learn to attack the emotion rather than the source, you know the first pillar of secure attachment.
Undo the velcro
Learning to attack the emotion instead of the source snowballs into the next pillar of a successful transition.
What you learn in your juvenile years through your mature years is to attach an emotion to an object or a person.
I want you to read the book “Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender.” It is one of the best breakdowns of how to undo negative attachments.
What you previously understood was that John made you angry; he is the source of your emotion. Now when you see John, you become angry. You have attached the feeling to John.
When you have reframed your logic, you’ll see that the behavior triggered your feeling. That behavior makes you feel an emotion.
You’ll then ask yourself, what is the root of that behavior that makes me feel whatever emotion?
When you understand that the source is the behavior and not necessarily the object or person, you can process emotions quicker and be more forgiving of the “actor.”
More snow
You might think I ended that last point by telling you to put on rose-colored glasses and be overly forgiving of someone.
Nope, but it does accomplish a couple of goals you previously struggled with.
- You can move on from (or move on with) someone who has not progressed through their behavioral journey without ill will, purely an understanding of where they need to grow.
- You become forgiving of yourself. You remove the I am, “defective/unlovable/second place,” statements.
- You remove the guilt of emotion and understand the roots of why a situation or behavior bothers you so much.
You will realize that your journey is about you and your past, nothing more. Now, let’s be sure not to make it sound that simple.
What I mean is that your experiences are personal to you.
The years you have spent building your perception of the world are personal to you.
Another fun fact for you. Did you know that we all don’t see the same color? What looks green to you looks greenish-blue to someone else.
Your perception is the lens through which you have grown to see the world.
When you embrace how people’s experiences have shaped them, you understand how behaviors and emotions work.
A hard line in the sand
When you have learned the pillars above, you know how to set your boundaries and needs.
Like the last bullet, you become more understanding toward those who can not meet your needs and boundaries.
While your needs and boundaries are personal to you and attained through your transition, everyone cannot fulfill them.
Guess what? THAT’S ALRIGHT!
You are not for everyone, and every person in this world will not be for you.
That does not make them evil, and it does not make you selfish.
It is one thing to state your needs and boundaries, but it is another thing to enforce them and walk away from things that do not serve you.
At the end of that journey is that perfect person, and you build a connection through similar morals and values.
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Congratulations.
If you follow my writing, you know this journey takes years.
You are unlearning decades of behaviors and perceptions and reframing your belief system.
Do you understand how monumental that is?
Don’t quit.
For those of you still on your journey, you WILL get here.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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