Sometimes it’s easier to speak your mind to a professional, but guys still need to know what their wives are thinking.
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So, before anyone Googles my name, I’ll tell you myself. Yes, I am a single woman and yes, I am also a marriage life coach. I’m also a Christian, so if any of you are and you want to ask “How can you give advice on marriage when you’ve never been married before?”, good question. I have an answer. Moses, Christ and Paul spoke the most on marriage in the Bible. The latter two were single (hmm…). For those of another faith, I’m the child of divorce and trust me, that’s enough to make someone want to research marriage as much as possible!
“If you have more than three priorities, you don’t have any.”
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With that out of the way, I wanted to do married men a solid and take a moment to share some of the things that come up in counseling. Things that, surprisingly, some couples don’t seem to know about each other. More specifically, things a lot of husbands don’t seem to know about their wives.
To tell you the truth, that’s one of the best reasons to consider going to see a coach or counselor; they can help you and yours learn to communicate on a much deeper level. And since poor communication (which can lead to unfulfilling intimacy) is a top reason for divorce well … I’m sure you get where I’m going with that.
OK, I have a word count on this piece and I want to make sure I stick to it. And yes fellas, feel free to chime in underneath. Just keep in mind that I’m sharing what’s been brought to me, so don’t shoot the messenger. It would be much more effective (and beneficial) to run it past your wife (or mom or sis).
Ready? Here are seven things that wives tell me in marriage counseling:
“I don’t feel like a priority.” A quote that I’m really diggin’ right now is “If you have more than three priorities, you don’t have any.” Life comes with a lot of responsibilities and distractions, but the reality is we make time for what matters most to us. And you know what guys? A good woman who’s down for you? The more you give, you’ll receive so much more in return. Send an “I love you” text out of the blue. Show up at her job with a picnic basket. Drop the kids off and have a staycation (click here for some great tips!). All of these are ways to let your lady know she’s on your radar. Better: That she’s on the top of your priority list.
Most of the wives who say this to me are not prudes who only want the missionary position with the lights off.
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“I feel like a porn doll.” You know a saying I actually don’t like very much? “I want a lady in the streets and a freak in the bedroom.” Why can’t your wife be a wife in the streets and still a wife in the bedroom? A good wife is well-rounded. My point is this: One of the beautiful things about married sex is that you’re with someone who’s committed to your mind, body and spirit. Therefore, sex is not meant to be simply a physical release but a true emotional connection. Most of the wives who say this to me are not prudes who only want the missionary position with the lights off. But what they do want is a man who isn’t trying to get her to repaly some flick he just watched. There’s a HUGE difference between having sex with someone (intimacy) and at someone (just to ejaculate). I’m sure your wife would be more than happy to expound if you desire further clarification.
“We don’t date anymore.” Finances, bad sex, communication issues, growing apart. All of these are reasons mentioned for why marriages end. One that I don’t think comes up enough is sheer boredom. It’s one thing to have a routine. It’s another thing to be lazy. If you can’t remember the last time you took your wife out on a real date (you know, where you both dressed up and did something that cost more than the price of a large pizza), try and schedule that in—sooner rather than later. Oh, and don’t underestimate the bliss of trying new things. New environments and activities are way to help you and yours to get to know other sides of you. Yep. If you’re paying attention, there’s always something more to learn because you’re both constantly evolving.
“He’s not listening to me.” Turning down the remote but still watching the screen. Pausing for 10 seconds while you’re cutting the grass. Saying “Mmm-hmm” while your eyes are closed in bed. None of these things really make a woman feel heard. In fairness, I’ll be the first to say that sometimes wives pick some really sucky times to want to have a heartfelt conversation. My two cents? Schedule a coffee/tea date either early in the morning or pillow talk (with your eyes open) at night after the kids are put in bed. 20 minutes of uninterrupted time will earn you some major brownie points.
“He let himself go.” Something that I tell couples who have 10 or more years under their belt is they should hold a funeral. A symbolic one, of course. I say that because too many folks are looking for their spouse to be who they used to be. That’s not only unrealistic, but pretty unfair. Listen, no one is expecting you to look like you did in college or even on your wedding day. But c’mon, you know what “letting yourself go” means! It’s a big misconception that women, too, are not stimulated visually. Yes, your wife signed up to love you no matter what. But hot sex? If you want more of that, appearances are important. Besides, the older you get, the better it is for your own health to eat right and exercise. Taking care of yourself is a win/win.
Something that both spouses sometimes lose sight of is one of the best things about being married is having a constant cheerleader in your corner.
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“He doesn’t know how to be affectionate without it turning into sex.” HMPH. Kissing on the forehead. Cuddling on the couch. Holding hands on an evening walk. Does this happen regularly in your marriage? How about spooning? And if it does happen, in your mind, is it always a precursor to sex or do you (sometimes) just want to be close to your spouse? A lot of wives I deal with are quick to admit that they don’t wear the cute lil’ boy shorts or kiss their man on the neck as much as they used to because they don’t always want affection to turn into a full-on romp. At the same time, I know a lot of husbands that miss being physically close even if it doesn’t lead to sex. If your wife keeps a safe distance from you, physically, this may be why. Ask her.
“He doesn’t affirm me.” Personally, I think this goes both ways. Something that both spouses sometimes lose sight of is one of the best things about being married is having a constant cheerleader in your corner. Someone who encourages you to live out your dreams. Someone who supports you in the challenging times. Someone who makes you feel like the most awesome human being on the entire planet! When’s the last time you told your wife she’s beautiful? When’s the last time you thanked her for marrying you? When’s the last time you asked her where she sees her life in the next five years? When’s the last time you brought home flowers or offered to cook dinner just because you love her? Affirm literally means “to express agreement with or commitment to; uphold; support”. The more you do this for the love of your life, the better your love life—in every room of the house—will become. I can (almost) guarantee it!
No need for a tip. This session was on me.
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Image ID: 1204397689
My answers to your 7 criticisms of men: 1) No, the kids are my priority. You are an adult and don’t need me. They are children and do need me. Why do you need to be a priority? Are you egotistical, selfish, or both? I’m not your priority by a long shot, and I don’t expect to be. 2) This guy would like his wife to be a lady everywhere. If you acted like a “porn doll” we wouldn’t be together. 3) Of course we don’t date. I don’t enjoy being alone with you. All you do is criticize. 4)… Read more »
This helps nothing. Most of this is tu quo que (appeal to hypocrisy). Let’s face it. Nothing a man can do will ever make a woman happy. It’s best for men to stay away from marriage. It offers no incentive. What is the point of a marriage contract, if the contract is thrown out and replaced with a servitude of some sort, and distributed by a party outside the contract as a means to establish leverage fore or against a societal convention? A woman can cheat and initiate a no-fault divorce case, even if he’s clueless about the affair… Judges… Read more »
Well, I for one am encouraged that dawn is breaking over marblehead for some of us, at least. The egalitarian meme is on the march, even as the feminist meme is failing in it’s meme virus attempts to become dominant in the zeitgeist. DJ and a few others REALLY get it: The chivalry memes are particularly toxic to men. The correct counter to that meme is to just tell those date-hungry ghosts (male and female alike) is that you just don’t play that old patriarchal game at all. Today, in the post-feminism world that is emerging the right move is… Read more »
“Sometimes it’s easier to speak your mind to a professional, but guys still need to know what their wives are thinking.”
Regardins the “venting”, that occurs on here as well as on other sites:
Some things are so personal, you can only speak about them with people you don’t know…
The truth is, all of these swords cut both ways.
Chuck
All of them?
“He doesn’t know how to be affectionate without it turning into sex”
Are you sure this is problem for most men Chuck?
I don’t think so…..
Of course it’s true. Why are women having sexual affairs, if it’s not? Women are no special case. They’re human. People are not monogamous, no matter how much those same people sell it. Women are hypergamous by nature. Men are hypersexual by nature. Either the marriage contract is taken seriously or it’s out altogether. Equality ‘eh? Or is that all just a front?
I agree with you here, Nowisee The only disagreement I may have is in the assertion that men must first prove themselves worthy, by collective action, of such legal change. Laws are not based upon behavior, but legal precedence. Though they are intended to govern the masses, they are not dictated by presumed action, or judgement of the masses…and yes, it has often been men that are their own worst enemy and my intent was not to “blame” women. I never go there as it is not conducive to change, and women are not the Borg. We have to accept… Read more »
“He doesn’t know how to be affectionate without it turning into sex.”
Question. Is that all in his head, or is it in yours?
If you always presume that he always has this one and only thing on his mind, and therefore hastily turn away from any attempt to spoon or cuddle or a simple hug, then how can he ever prove that he has not?
Here you invalidate women Flyingkal. You invalidate the story they tell and you invalidate their experience .
Yes there are some men and women among us that are clearly disturbed emotionally and therefor unable to see their partner as he really is . But I think this article is about fairly normal women that tell their story.
And my experience is the same.
Just as you invalidate my story, and a host of other men’s, KIM.
How often have I been turned away with the words “That’s all you ever think about!” when I just wanted to hold her, “a fairly normal woman”, and have a kiss that was a little bit more than a quick peck?
Flyingkal Today is the beginning of my summer vacation but I will be back when autum starts and lets hope I never invalidate anyone then. Meanwhile I hope you write down the long list of all the ways I invalidate men here on GMP Flyingkal. Do it here and I promise to read it , comment on it and change if I am an abuser of all men . Maybe I am , maybe I am an abuser without knowing it myself. Or maybe Flyingkal you need to read up the actual meaning of what the concept INVALIDATION means in… Read more »
It’s been 9 months… and you’ve yet to reply. So typical. You had no intention but to simply run away. Great deflection… Oh by the way, I’m going on vacation, I “promise to read this” when I return… Even though I’ve said all I’ve wanted to, above.
Shellie even says so in the article
“At the same time, I know a lot of husbands that miss being physically close even if it doesn’t lead to sex.”
Why don’t you accuse her too of invalidating the experience of women, KIM?
Flyinkal
I must confess Flyingkal that I do not understand your question here.
Why should I accuse Shellie of that ?????????
How are women to know how men feel, in order for someone to invalidate women? Isn’t this women invalidating men, for something that doesn’t precede an issue, to be brought up in counseling? Do you have any evidence of your claim, or are you creating a strawman argument to justify your opinion? Unfortunately anecdotal experience can’t causate. It can correlate, but depends on many other people. And since you say you can relate by experience, it also presents confirmation bias to a preconceived conclusion (hence the straw man argument). Your situation very well, could be an outlier. Science is not… Read more »
In the wise words of Zig Ziglar: “I have no way of knowing whether or not you married the wrong person, but I do know that many people have a lot of wrong ideas about marriage and what it takes to make that marriage happy and successful. I’ll be the first to admit that it’s possible that you did marry the wrong person. However, if you treat the wrong person like the right person, you could well end up having married the right person after all. On the other hand, if you marry the right person, and treat that person… Read more »
“but I do know that many people have a lot of wrong ideas about marriage and what it takes to make that marriage happy and successful. ”
There’s an understatement. I see that at least 10 times a week in my discussions with men and women. If you ever find a way to put that awareness into pill form, we need to dump it into the water supply.
Good article. Really appreciate you putting this out there.
Two things I would like to mention…
One. You definitely aren’t the only one preaching this message. I am the bad husband who got a second chance and tell men the same things. Only I get to use 20 years of bad decisions and 6 years of restoration in mine. Great to find another kindred spirit.
Two. Your pop up ads are killing me.
Thanks for doing what you do. My life and marriage are a testament to this same advice.
Interesting. My opinion on this whole piece is summarized by the last point in this other article that just came up today:
https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/7-signs-youve-given-your-heart-to-the-wrong-person-dg/
Many people get married because it is the thing to do, the expectation. All of your points could apply to females as well.
Seems to me that these men just chose poorly, that they went the romance route, were not themselves from the get-go, and married a woman that felt he owed her. You speak of “good women”. I have one. These are not issues because we are first and foremost best friends, not Romeo and Juliet…with me doing all the work. I’ve been there also. I did it all wrong the first time, and my wife would have said the same things…but what did she do on her end beyond make my life miserable, take, take and take some more? I’ve dealt… Read more »
I largely agree with what you write, DJ. Best friends–means befriending someone because you value them inherently for who they are, and you feel that other person values you for who you inherently are, and you mutually enjoy each others company. It’s a very good place to start, mutuality. I don’t think it’s some lofty ideal. I believe it’s way easier to do than people think. BUT you’re right in that we’ve all been sold a bill of goods that stinks to the core, that we give to GET. We give of ourselves in this life, not to GET, but… Read more »