Whenever I think about my previous relationship, I get irritated with myself. Why? Because I can’t stop wondering why I couldn’t get myself to leave a relationship that causes me nothing but pains. I wonder why I kept holding onto an obviously shitty relationship in high hopes for better days which never came.
I get irritated because I’m actually aware that this isn’t the type of relationship that I so desire but I couldn’t get myself to call it a quit. Yeah, leaving a toxic relationship is hard but there’s no point staying in a relationship that is everything but healthy.
Because we all deserve to be in healthy relationships where love, trust, respect for privacy, and boundaries rule. We deserve better than what toxic and even abusive relationships have to offer.
Hence, if you’re in a relationship that doesn’t feel too great, here are 9 telltale signs you might be in a toxic relationship.
Your partner is trying too hard to mold you into a reflection of themselves.
Living your life entirely according to the opinions and expectations of your partner is the safest way to be unhappy.
At the end of the day, you’ll lose yourself to the incessant criticism and put-downs shot at you by your toxic partner.
The truth is, a partner that consistently picks on your perceived imperfections and incessantly offers unsolicited suggestions on how to improve and become better on their own terms, is simply toxic. Because a loving partner is supposed to love and accept you the way you are. And not try everything possible to make you a reflection of themselves.
Besides, investing all your beliefs in your partner’s opinions will cost you so much time and energy in your lifetime.
So you have to learn to respect and trust your own opinions, beliefs, and overall values. Learn to say no to things that don’t align with your moral values. You might also want to sort for other people’s opinions to supercharge your support system if your partner is so bent on putting you down.
Your partner virtually does nothing while you do all the works for the relationship to thrive.
If two people are genuinely interested in building a healthy relationship, they’ll work together towards the success of the relationship, yet some people will ignore this and stay in a lonely and exhausting relationship. Why? Because they believe that if they try or work harder, things will turn around for the better. (I also used to think that way.)
If you look at the life of such people, you’ll find that they are the ones who do all the work, who gives all the love, who makes all the sacrifices, and who always compromises for their relationship to survive. I hope you aren’t one of them. And if you are, you’re obviously in a toxic relationship.
You don’t ultimately need to drain yourself for the betterment of any relationship. In fact, any relationship that constantly makes you feel like you aren’t doing enough while your partner virtually does nothing doesn’t deserve you either.
Hence, if you can’t bring yourself to leave the relationship, you should set a clear boundary to what you can give and ensure that you don’t give more than what is needed because anything other than that is simply robbing you of your energy and happiness.
Your partner often threatens the commitment of your relationship.
It’s really frustrating to have a partner that often threatenings one with the future of the relationship. Nobody enjoys staying with a partner that constantly threatens to end the relationship with any slight disruption in the flow of the relationship.
The truth is, such behavior is simply manipulative as it builds an atmosphere of distrust, suspicion, and doubt. Worse, it fills the relationship with unwarranted drama that makes the whole relationship tiresome.
It all boils down to this…
When your partner always chooses to communicate their complaints, negative thoughts, or feelings by threatening the commitment of your relationship, you’re obviously in a toxic relationship.
That’s to say, It’s no doubt that you’re dating a toxic person if your partner feels like you’re lying to him or her, and instead of telling you something like, “why do I feel like you’re lying?” He or she will tell you, “I can’t put up with a partner that constantly lies to me.” (Of which most of the time, you’re innocent of whatever they’re creating the drama from.)
The gospel truth? It is normal for one partner to be occasionally angry and mad at the other but releasing one’s anger by threatening the commitment of the relationship isn’t just cool. Because in healthy relationships, complaints and negative thoughts or feelings are communicated effectively without judgment, blackmail, or attempt to threaten the commitment of the relationship.
You have an excessively jealous partner.
Do you think it’s sexy to have a partner that is particularly jealous towards you? On the contrary, it isn’t.
Yeah, I know that jealousy is a normal human emotion and it’s normal and understandable for one to be a little jealous from time to time.
But the truth, however, is a partner that constantly gets pissed off whenever the other party calls, text, talks, or hang out with another person is everything other than cool. In fact, such a partner is simply toxic.
The worst part? Such people often resort to some kinds of insane behaviors like trying to gain access to their partners’ email, social media handles, going through their partners’ text messages, and all other shity habits that reek of distrust and doubtfulness.
Now, tell me what makes such insane habits sexy? They obviously aren’t. They only create unnecessary drama and conflicts.
Realistically, a partner that doesn’t trust you enough to be all by yourself around other attractive men or women, and constantly seeks to be controlling and manipulative towards who you associate with or how you spend your time apart isn’t worth wasting time on.
Even though trust takes time to build, they should learn to trust you completely and if they can’t, maybe you should rethink the relationship because love alone isn’t enough reason to stay in any relationship.
Your partner is passive-aggressive.
Even though they aren’t that obvious, excessive passive-aggressive behaviors are crystal clear signs of toxicity in any relationship.
The funny thing? It’s a behavioral pattern of indirectly expressing negative feelings instead of saying them outright and out loud.
Passive-aggressive people often leave their partners to figure out what is upsetting them as they seamlessly nudge their partners towards the direction of figuring it out.
The underlying reason behind such behaviors? Is poor and ineffective communication. When a person isn’t comfortable communicating his or her anger, complaints, and even insecurity openly and clearly, he or she, often resort to some sort of cowardly attacks like disguising his or her anger as something else.
As Karen Young of Heysigmund.com puts it, such a person will disguise anger as indifference using words like, ‘whatever’ or ‘I’m fine’ or manipulation disguised as permission using words like, ‘I’ll just stay at home by myself while you go out and have fun.
The problem? Such indirect attacks are aimed at hurting and manipulating you which they actually do but most of the time, they seem like you’ll appear to be irrational if you respond to such attacks. That’s why you should hope to stay in a relationship with a conducive environment that supports healthy communication that is free of judgment because anything other than that is unhealthy.
It is void of happiness.
Every relationship has its own fair share of issues or problems but this doesn’t mean you should wallow in a relationship that brings you nothing but pain.
That’s to say, a relationship that is simply draining your strength, courage, and confidence and causing you unspeakable pains in the long run, is nothing but toxic.
Do you ever look at other couples and wonder why your relationship isn’t as blissful as what they enjoy? If your answer is anything close to yes, you’re obviously not in a healthy relationship.
And the best thing to do is to use the door out of such a relationship. Else you’ll be sabotaging your chance of finding that blissful and happy relationship you deserve.
You’re always hoping your partner changes for the better.
So you feel like your partner’s behaviors are everything but normal or healthy but you’re willing to stay hoping that things will turn around for the better one day?
Will you be shocked if I tell you that you are living in a false hope that will most likely never come to be?
Maybe you’re holding on to an obviously messy relationship because of some perceived positive aspect of it and because of that, things will one day become better. What a faith.
Listen, no matter how strong your false hope or faith in a potential change is, if it’s never meant to be, it won’t be because a toxic relationship is toxic.
In fact, holding onto a relationship in high hopes that your partner will one day, change his or her not-so-cool behaviors, proves that you are in a toxic relationship. And it’s not a wise decision because such a “toxic” partner might never change.
In all honesty, you deserve better than holding on to a painstaking relationship hoping for a change that might never come to be. And like I earlier said, you deserve a better and happier relationship where love, trust, respect, and healthy boundary exists. Don’t you think so?
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Previously Published on medium
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