A man raised a baby swan in a glass jar, but as the bird grew it became stuck in the jar. The man was caught now, for the only way to free the thing was to break the jar, killing the swan.
~ Zen saying
“This parable speaks powerfully to the clear containments we set about the ones we love, never imagining that who and what we love grows,” says author Mark Nepo in “The Book of Awakening; Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.”
“What we set up as parameters, out of fear or arrogance or even the best of intentions of protection,” Nepo continues, “can suffocate the very thing we hold precious.”
Boy oh boy, have I ever found this to be true!
“Even more devastating and subtle,” writes Nepo, “are the ways in which we jar ourselves.”
You got that right! And I am beginning to suspect the two often go hand in hand.
I have been on the receiving end of some snarky comments of late—digs and barbs—about my travels…which is probably why the above Zen saying and Mark Nepo’s words resonated so strongly with me. Some people in my life are not impressed with my decisions on how I choose to spend my time and money. The fact that I am working while traveling doesn’t seem to matter.
But here’s what I’ve been noticing about myself lately: the more I find the courage to change and grow—break out of my glass jar—the less tolerant I am to people in my life who feel the need to make snarky comments that feel rather like I am being judged, negatively, for having the audacity to…life the life I have always imagined.
But after reading Mark Nepo’s passage, I began to realize that perhaps “becoming less tolerant” isn’t necessarily the best—the highest—response for me to have. Perhaps a better response for me to have—for the people who seem offended by my choices, even though they have nothing to do with them—would be compassion.
For when we have the courage to grow, theoretically that should inspire others to grow, too. But growth is scary. Change can be terrifying. So perhaps the more tolerant and compassionate we are to the reality of just how difficult growth can be for people, trapped within the glass jars of their own making, the safer we make their courageous leap from the known to the unknown.
The worst thing we can do, which I’ve learned the hard way, is to pretend that we, too, are staying safe within our own glass jar and not growing and changing and evolving—just so we don’t make other people uncomfortable.
Perhaps the best gift we can give the people in our lives (including ourselves) this holiday season is the space, permission, and encouragement to grow into the beautiful swans they are destined to be. And if that entails turning the other cheek to the odd snarky comment now and then, so be it 😊
—