Today for the first time in a long time I went to church. I even wore pretty new clothes and a pretty bracelet.
These are things that really pleased my mother. She had always been a very girly girl. Then she had me, her oldest child and only daughter. I was the furthest thing from a girly girl.
My uniform was jeans, the older the better, and t-shirts. In cold weather, I wore sweaters and coats as well.
Every once in a while Mom would buy me a dress. I might wear it once or twice for a special occasion, but then it was never worn again.
In junior high, while all my friends were crushing on various guys and deliberately doing slightly less well in school (so as not to bruise the egos of said crushes) I excelled. While at the beginning of the year there were a few guys trying to flirt with me, after I got 110 on the first science test, they all avoided eye contact.
I went on to MIT, worked as an engineer, got married, and then got cancer.
Well, that’s life.
Now, in my 50s, I have discovered I like wearing jewelry sometimes, dressing up in bright, pretty colors, and wearing hats. Originally I wore them to hide my bald scalp which I acquired during chemo. But then I realized I really liked wearing pretty hats.
It’s like, it took cancer to bring out my girly side. My mom loves it.
However, there is one thing I want to make clear — I loved a lot of so-called “masculine” pursuits as a girl. But I always FELT like a girl. There was no conflict for me between my biological identity and my personal identity.
However, that is not true of everyone.
Years ago, an old friend from high school, who I’d know when he was a boy, came out as a trans-woman. I felt odd about this because I’d known her a certain way. Now, she is someone different. Yet… still my friend. I wish her well with her new identity.
Lately there have been calls to ban trans-gender surgeries until someone is an adult.
I understand this but don’t fully agree with it.
There have been stories like those of Chloe Cole which are tragic.
At the same time, there are also stories of people for whom transitioning was the right decision.
In any individual case — how is the decision any of my business? Because it’s not my body. I don’t have a horse in the race. I never did.
I’ve never wanted to be another gender, though I often envied men when I was growing up.
But envying male freedom does not equate to wanting to be male.
There are many girls who like “male” pursuits and there are boys who like “female” pursuits. It’s not complex.
There are also girls and boys who realize at some point that they are attracted to their own gender. Again, it’s not complex, and, again, it’s no one else’s business, and, again, it doesn’t mean they fit stereotypes.
And then there are those, like my friend from high school, who realized, she later shared, that she KNEW she was not a boy from the time she was quite young. But this was not acknowledged or supported back then.
I’m glad that there is, in theory at least, more support for young people grappling with these issues, but that doesn’t mean there is one “right” choice.
The reality is that there are serious downsides to transitioning at an early age. There are health consequences that doctors should fully disclose so that people can make informed decisions. For example, as documented in an article on the PBS website:
Some of the known side effects of hormones include things that might sound familiar: acne and changes in mood. Patients are also warned that they may be at higher risk for heart disease or diabetes later in life. The risk of blood clots increases for those who start estrogen.
There are other risks.
The article states that the Endocrine Society suggests children wait until they are 16 to take hormones because their effects are irreversible. And that’s not even considering surgical modifications.
A girl who decides to transition at 16 and has a double mastectomy may come to regret it when he’s in his 30s and can’t breast feed his baby.
These side effects don’t mean that it’s not worth it to transition, though.
My opinion, for what it’s worth — these are personal decisions, not public ones. People considering major changes need to think seriously about what it entails. Ideally, with underage children, the parents should be involved.
In some cases, however, there is parental abuse. What then? Our society routinely fails children with “ordinary” issues, let alone those in unique situations. Who helps children if they have no supportive adults in their lives?
It’s easier if you are an adult.
I recently talked to a friend of mine who is successfully (and happily) transitioning. They recently had a double mastectomy and they are overjoyed with their new body.
They are also very well informed. They didn’t casually alter their bodies. They carefully considered their decision. And they are very happy they made this choice.
The reality is that we are all unique. Some of us may fit stereotypes, but none of us does so completely. A girl may list her hobbies as cooking gourmet meals, sewing, and amateur boxing. A boy may love to crochet.
And what we like may change over time, as in my case. Once upon a time I hated dressing in “feminine” clothes, wore mostly black or navy, and never wore jewelry. Now I really enjoy dressing up, I embrace bright colors, and I like to wear 2–4 bracelets.
Just like I embrace my decisions for how I look, so I respect the decisions that others make. What is right for me is not necessarily what is right for you. And that is OK.
One figure from my parents’ Hindu tradition that I love is the half male/half female image of the Ardhanarishvara, which I used as the top image in this article. You can read an interesting story about this here.
One reason I have loved this Hindu deity from the time I was a child — they represent transformation. They are fluid. The incorporate both male and female in perfect synchrony. When I was a child, they showed me that I could accept my girl’s body while also embracing male pursuits. I was not restricted to my anatomy.
This felt empowering to me then and it still feels that way now.
No matter how we personally identify, I hope we can respect and accept each other.
I am fighting stage IV cancer. If you can help with medical bills, I would really appreciate it. Or if you enjoy my writing and would like to buy me a cup of coffee, that’s great too. Maybe someday I can return the favor.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
Escape the Act Like a Man Box | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men | Why I Don’t Want to Talk About Race | The First Myth of the Patriarchy: The Acorn on the Pillow |
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