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QUESTION: I am trying to find help for a 43 y/o bi-racial black man. He is my son and we live in the Midwest. I love my son so very much, but his constant anger is going to give me a heart attack. I am 71 and know that he has goodness in him, I just need help to get it out of him. My son has good days when things go right for him, but racism just takes a constant toll, and he seems to have more bad days than good. My son hates white people, as we are devils…LOL. I understand it is hard to live under the weight of constant oppression, and not enough white people are stepping up to dismantle white supremacy for it to make a difference in his life. So what can I do? Thanks for any help you can provide.
My first thought was that a bi-racial Black man in the Midwest is seen as a Black man in America. He’s treated no differently because one of his parents is white. In fact, almost all Black Americans whose family goes back more than a couple of generations in America, have some white blood.
That doesn’t mean he hasn’t been affected having you as a white mother. I was a Black man that grew up in the Midwest. Two brothers that were among my closest friends had a white mother. They loved their mother yet at times found it awkward to explain her. This was during a time of significant racial protest, I think they protested more than anyone else to prove they were just as Black as anyone else. In my city, (Minneapolis), I attended an integrated school, had good white friends, played on integrated sports teams. I liked white people individually, yet remained aware of what they did collectively that hurt Black people.
At this point I have more questions than answers about your particular situation. What is your son’s relationship like with you? Why do you believe he’s constantly angry? How had he expressed his anger? What is your level of communication? What factors in his life have caused him to be angry? Your son’s anger is based on individual circumstances of which I have no knowledge. There is also the possibility that you have misunderstood what you perceive as anger. The statement, “all white people are devils.” might have been uttered by any Black person without being much more than a joke.
You know your son better than I do. Is his anger likely to become a threat to others? I can’t rule out serious mental health issues that need to be addressed, nor can I assume them. Has he been steadily employed, does he still live at home with you? If you’re looking for a way to fix your son I don’t have one, the one thing you should focus on most is your response to the situation.
I have no reason to doubt you’ve been a loving concerned mother to your son. Being a white mother of a Black son means trying to understand situations you can’t fully appreciate. All you can do in that situation is your best, keep loving him, and let it go knowing you’ve done all you can. The prospects of you changing a 43-year-old man are dim. The one thing you can do is change you.
When he expresses his anger to you, how do you respond? Telling him he shouldn’t feel a certain way probably won’t help. Getting him to explain why he feels that way might. It will require you to listen with an open mind and it’s okay not to have an answer. Try asking him what he feels the solution is and how to achieve it.
“The weight of constant oppression,” threw me a little bit. Not that constant oppression doesn’t exist to some degree, but that most people aren’t under the weight of it all the time. There are outlets, friends with whom they feel comfortable and experience no pressure. Favorite sports teams and television shows, hobbies and passions. Does your son have any of these in his life? Do you?
You also mentioned the lack of white people stepping up to dismantle white supremacy. Unfortunately, I don’t see that as likely to change during your lifetime or even his. We can work to change that, but the question is what do we do in spite of it?
So what do you do about your son? Your lines of communication appear to be open, keep them that way. Try to empathize with his feelings and understand why he feels that way. A question you may have for him down the line is, “Do you think that’s helpful?” I wouldn’t ask that early in a conversation but there may come a time he’s open to considering whether his current path is likely to produce a positive result. There are reasons enough to resent white people if you look for them. Dwelling on them is like drinking poison in an attempt to hurt another party. It only hurts yourself.
As for you, try to find peace for yourself. Spend more time focusing on things you enjoy and unless he’s a danger to himself or others, less time on your son’s behavior. Continue to love him, for me, writing out goals and aspirations would help me focus on the problem and possible solutions, that might be something you can try?
I wish you success in resolving your situation. Mostly I wish you peace, the one thing that is within your own control. Good luck!