Most of know what it’s like to experience deep emotional pain. It may be the loss of a loved one, a break-up, or any number of other things. Most of us also probably know what it’s like to support someone else who’s in pain or crisis.
But what do you do when both you and someone you love are suffering and need support? Can the two of you really help each other?
Supporting someone when you’re dealing with emotional turmoil can be incredibly difficult. Even if the source of the pain is the same for both of you, recognizing their needs and being able to offer help can feel overwhelming and unfair. This is one of the reasons many couples who experience a shared tragedy can drift apart.
It doesn’t have to be that way though.
Although there are no easy solutions, it’s possible for you and the person you love to help each other through a difficult time – and at the same time.
You may have to be the one to begin the process, however.
How Tragedy Can Drive You And Your Partner Apart
You might think that when something bad happens to both you and someone you love, the two of you will pull together and gain strength from each other. While this can happen for some couples, too often partners find themselves feeling isolated, lonely, and unable to get the help they need from the person they love.
Many are blindsided by this breakdown because they feel/felt that their relationship was strong, and the connection to their partner deep enough to allow them to help each other. So, when that doesn’t happen, or things drive them apart, it’s like doubling down on the pain.
There are some common reasons this can happen.
- Each person experiences pain differently and, although you may be living through the same tragedy, you won’t process it in the same way.
- No matter how well you know your partner, you can’t predict their reaction to extreme situations.
- No painful situation is the same and therefore no response is the same. This means that despite what you may have experienced before, your own emotional response may surprise you and things may be more difficult to work through than you expect.
- Pain can draw you inward and make it very difficult to see beyond your own experience regardless of your desire to help someone else.
- Much like a physical wound, you need to address your own issues before you can effectively take care of someone else.
Emotional pain can be very complex.
It’s important to understand that the reasons listed above can have additional facets to them and be further complicated by past experiences, current circumstances, and the health of your relationship.
How Do You Help Each Other When You’re In Pain?
There is no right or wrong way to experience pain. It’s important for you both to recognize that neither of you are doing anything wrong by feeling the way you do or needing different things in order to heal.
Does this mean you’re both handling things in an effective manner, just differently? No, not necessarily.
One of the most frustrating things about deep pain is that it can blind you to effective ways to deal with it. Too many people turn to self-medication like alcohol or drugs, or they take their pain out on the people around them.
These are the times when they could really use the help and support of someone they love.
Unfortunately, if you’re both in crisis it can feel nearly impossible to reach out to someone else when what you need is someone to reach out to you.
So, where do you start if you want to help each other get through painful times? Consider some of the suggestions below.
- Make yourself take some time to consider how you’re responding and what you feel you need. It’s very common to feel like you don’t know what you need in a time of pain and crisis. You just know you don’t want to feel the way you do. Understanding yourself better and what you may need and want from your partner (no, that’s not selfish) is important since you may need to tell them.
- Ask your partner to do the same.
- Discuss what you each understand about yourselves and what you’d like from each other.
- Agree to check on each other every day and give one another an opportunity to talk. A note here though – you will need to allow this process to ebb and flow a bit. Sometimes talking about things is hard, as is listening to someone else’s experiences. Make it okay to skip a day of “talking” about things if one partner needs some space. Just don’t let it become a permanent space or ignore the needs of the partner that needs to be heard.
- Avoid blame. In times of pain, we want to find reasons for that pain and assign blame, so we look for a target for our anger and sadness. This may even mean we bring out past issues and use them as ammunition. None of this is productive or healthy for either of you.
- Cry and hold each other. Crying expends the pent-up energy of sadness and the comfort of human touch can help healing progress.
- Find life-affirming experiences and do them together. What makes you each feel whole and alive may be different, but doing things that make you break the pain cycle even for a little while will help you both.
Is this all you’ll need to do for you both to heal? There’s no way to say for certain as each situation and couple is very different. What these things can do, however, is help put you in a better place to move forward in managing your pain and caring for each other and your relationship.
What Else You Need To Know
It’s crucial to understand that pain has phases, and these can be different for each of you. Special occasions, holidays, places, even sounds and smells can reignite certain feelings. When this happens, you’ll need to be ready to support each other again.
It’s also important to know that some people or couples experiencing pain or grief may need the help of a counselor in order to move forward. Trying to help someone when you can’t really help yourself can lead to deepening of the pain and create resentment toward your partner, so be open to seeking outside support when it’s needed.
https://www.guystuffcounseling.com/counseling-men-blog/what-alcohol-abuse-symptoms-in-men-look-like
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