Debunking the Myth That Opposites Attract

“Opposites Attract.”

How many times have you heard of that phrase growing up? Our society loves to romanticize differences. I mean, isn’t it romantic when Cinderella rises from the ashes to riches with Prince Charming saving her from her dreadful stepmother and stepsisters? How about when the Little Mermaid finds herself a new pair of legs just so she can be with her prince?

These stories promote the message of true love prevailing challenges — and don’t we all love buying into these stories? Especially when the odds work in our favor and partners work through differences to make the impossible possible.

I used to fantasize about having a partner who was very different from me. As a soft-spoken, logical, routine, and organized person, I gravitated towards partners who were the opposite: extroverted, go-with-the-flow, and expressive. I wanted someone who could complement my strengths by being everything I wasn’t.

When I finally met my boyfriend (and now my current partner), I realized that while my partner is “different” from me in many ways, we were also very similar. Compatibility isn’t grounded in differences — all the time.

Last year, I wrote an article, “5 Signs You Are In The Right Relationship” describing 5 green flags in a partner. Now, I will build on these points to articulate what that looks and feels like when you’re seeking a partner.

Communication Style

How does your partner communicate? What is your communication style and does that mesh well with your partner’s communication style?

For example, some couples may thrive off texting and seeing each other once a week, while other couples require more time on the phone to catch up with and in-person hang-outs a couple of times a week.

Another area of consideration is: do you feel secure in your communication? Does your communication establish a level of trust and connection?

Often, we get into arguments because of miscommunications. This happens because we may think that we’re making our point and communicating our expectations to someone when in fact, the impact of the message was either blocked or not received by the other message. This may fail to satisfy an expectation or need. If the failure of the message goes unaddressed, resentment and confusion may build up over time.

Healthy communication habits are required for a relationship to thrive. By communicating, we voice our thoughts, feelings, and desires so that our partners can try to better understand and meet our needs halfway.

Emotional Intimacy

Have you ever heard of people referring to their partner as their best friend? When you think of your best friend, you may think of someone whom you can turn to and rely on for support. A best friend is also someone who you feel safe with. These feelings are the basics of emotional intimacy.

Building emotional intimacy requires vulnerability and a deep level of trust that is developed over time, but it also helps you form deeper connections. In this case, I think the motto “what you give you get” applies. For example, if you are constantly holding back information, not directly communicating your needs, and taking no interest in the lives of your partners, then naturally, your partner may start to feel distant from you.

On the other hand, if you practice openly receiving and giving love, then it becomes easier for you to build a two-sided partnership with your significant other. While independent, strong women may find it easier to give rather than to receive love, I think it’s equally important to lean into both. Receiving love is a deep form of trust and acknowledgment. Plus, I’m sure your loved ones would want to help you every once in a while, especially if their love language is “acts of service.”

Respect

We all know what respect is, but are you respectful of yourself and others?

Respect looks like honoring your partner’s needs without questioning or belittling them for it. Respect feels like speaking the truth even though the truth may hurt sometimes. Respect sounds like demonstrating curiosity for different opinions and viewpoints instead of shutting them down.

Respect is a key building block for a healthy relationship to thrive. Someone emotionally immature, rude, and narcissistic may lack the means to respect others, especially if they do not know how to respect themselves first.

Respect is built over time. It’s when your action matches your words. It’s when you pause and listen instead of overjustifying and talking so that you can try to understand your partner instead. You can hold space for your partnership to thrive. You feel safe, empowered, and seen.

Values

What are your shared values? Do you prioritize similar values? For example, one of our top love languages is quality time — my partner and I make sure we incorporate this into our schedules because we both know that it matters to us.

Other values may include aligned goals, attitudes towards relationships, family, money-spending habits, having children, shared interests, etc.

While your partner may be very different from you in terms of having a different financial background, education level, and career interests, I think that your similarities in values will matter more in the long run.

At the end of the day, we realize that relationships don’t necessarily operate against a set of criteria or checklists — and certainly not a dichotomy of differences. While this checklist may guide you towards people with a higher chance of compatibility, we shouldn’t let these standards dictate our interests completely. Similar to how you may gravitate towards a certain type of person who is very different from you, you shouldn’t let that be your only criterion — there are always exceptions. I hope you find someone easy to communicate with, can build emotional intimacy with, is respectful, and holds similar values.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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