Google “Is my boyfriend/girlfriend cheating?” and you’ll get hundreds of results—everything from statements from private detectives to clues from therapists. They’ll say things like “They switch their phone off when they’re out.” or “They overcompensate by buying you unexpected gifts.”
I know because at one time I actually read those articles. A handful of years ago they sucked me into a whirlpool of panic that culminated in my gorging on the contents of my boyfriend’s phone one day when he was in the shower.
And I got caught.
I got caught because he had some kind of mysterious app that enabled him to see every single thing that happened on his phone. Looking back, that seems weird; though, of course, my going through his phone was much weirder.
It remains one of the most mortifying things I’ve ever done.
Retracing my steps, it’s odd to think how easily I became a person I’d never wanted to be: a person who’s mistrustful, snoops and spies.
Even weirder is that I even thought it was even important to find out if he was cheating, or that the numerous articles on the subject try to give people the tools to discover infidelity.
Let me explain.
If you think they might be cheating, everything is already upside down.
I didn’t just wake up one day and randomly decide to look through my boyfriend’s phone.
Our imbalance started early on in the relationship when he called as usual after he’d been out with friends one night but sounded cagey. I knew something was up, and when I pressed him the next morning, he finally confessed he’d met his ex and they’d kissed.
The cheating sucked, but what was worse was that he took time to let me know whether he wanted to stay with me or go back to his ex. The moment I decided to stick around and wait for his decision, we became irrevocably unbalanced—he had all the power, and that made us fragile.
Many things can disturb the power balance of a relationship beside previous cheating, but you’ll always know it’s happened if you’re asking yourself questions like: “Do they really love me?”, “Do they actually respect me?” and “Are they cheating on me?”
If you’re already at this stage, where you have no idea where you stand because your partner is the one in control, then possible cheating might be the least of your worries.
If they can’t reassure you with a simple conversation, something is wrong.
The next thing that went awry with my ex was after he’d cheated he refused point-blank to talk about it. Like, at all. Years later, I still had no idea why he’d cheated or why, ultimately, he’d decided to stay with me.
It wasn’t a one-off: I spent much of the relationship unsure what he felt about me or our future. If I asked, he’d laugh me off. I think he’d read somewhere that you don’t owe your partner reassurance, and while that’s true, it’s never a good sign if your loved one shows no desire to comfort you when they can see you’re concerned.
In my case, what was wrong was that my boyfriend wouldn’t allow my fears to even be expressed. But another equally common problem can occur when one person in a couple becomes convinced their partner is cheating for no good reason and then won’t accept their assurance nothing is going on. If that’s you, you might want to focus on what past trauma is making you automatically assume your partner is lying rather than on finding out if they’ve been unfaithful.
In a healthy relationship, fears of cheating may still come up: the difference is a simple conversation will usually put them to rest.
If you do discover someone’s cheating, you’re taking responsibility when they should.
In pressing my ex to tell me what happened that night, I had assumed responsibility for finding out about his cheating rather than allowing him to take responsibility. Now I didn’t trust him to be honest and he didn’t learn how to own his actions.
It is never on you to catch someone cheating; if they’re cheating, it’s on them to feel the heaviness of guilt, make the hard decisions about if or when to tell you and whether or not to leave. The mess created by someone else cheating is never your fault, and it is not your responsibility to clean it up.
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If it gets to the point where you’re checking your partner’s phone for evidence of cheating, something is already very wrong. Maybe you’re failing to come to terms with past trauma that makes you unnecessarily mistrustful, in which case you don’t need to find out if they’re cheating, you need to work on healing old wounds.
If not, you still don’t need to find out if they’re cheating, you need to find out if you’re even happy with them in the first place. Do they make you feel safe, wanted, loved? If you find yourself always worried they’re cheating, the answer is probably “no”.
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This post was previously published on Medium.com.
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Photo credit: Darya Skuratovich on Unsplash