Every time I post a piece mentioning how well my partner contributes to household duties, I invariably get one of two responses from women:
“You’re so lucky. He’s a unicorn,” or “Most men suck, leaving women to do all the work in the house.” They’re really variations on the same theme, pointing to the fact that a lot of women feel like they are doing a disproportionate amount of the work around the house. (Whether or not they actually are is irrelevant. If they feel like they are, it means that they’re feeling depleted and shortchanged, and the situation is untenable.)
These women often go on and on to talk about how “marriage is a con job for women, pressing them into indentured servitude,” (yes, that’s an actual comment someone made on a story I wrote) and then they offer up their own and friends’ marriages as examples of poor behavior, before piling on that it’s not fair that women are expected to hold jobs, keep the household running, take care of their kids and husbands, and do all the emotional labor in the marriage. Women are better off single, they conclude.
For those women, that may be true.
I don’t know the ins and outs of their relationships. I don’t know how they discussed or negotiated who would contribute which duties to the partnership, or whether they’ve tried to renegotiate the labor split. I don’t know if they tried to present themselves as SuperGirlfriend and do it all in the early days without asking for help (as I’ve seen some women do in order to appear capable and marriageable,) and then shifted to someone who suddenly expected help. I don’t know if they nag that their partner isn’t doing a particular task “right” or quickly enough to appease. I don’t know whether these guys have lived on their own and have an idea of the amount of work that goes into running a household, or if they’ve been coddled by a parental figure (or older siblings) and have rarely had to lift a finger. I don’t know if the guys these women are living with just don’t care about their partners’ happiness and well-being, or if they’re oblivious to what needs doing. I don’t know the specifics of these relationships, but I feel bad for the women who are feeling alone with endless piles of work to do. For those women, yeah, it might be better if they didn’t have an unreliable spouse who they have to pick up after and take care of.
I do know plenty of guys who do loads of housework and put in the emotional labor necessary to keep the relationship running smoothly, so I know firsthand that all men do not, in fact, suck. Even my ex-husband was brilliant with housework. (Except laundry. I did all the laundry. But I find folding clothes, ironing out the wrinkles, and hanging them up to be soothing, so I didn’t mind.)
My friend Jennie is thinking about maybe someday reentering the dating pool. It’s been 6 years since her divorce and she hasn’t gone on a date, though she’s lightly flirted with two guys since then. She made the comment to me the other day that she wasn’t sure she ever wanted to be picking up after another man all the time. Her youngest son just finally moved out of the house to go to college and she’s liking finally having a clean house.
I reminded her that the right person won’t be a child, expecting her to clean up after him. The right person will do his part to contribute to household chores and duties because he knows it’s important to her, and he will value her. The right person will make her life easier and not more complicated.
There’s a phrase going around that women are using to level up their standards: “If they wanted to, they would.” It’s mostly true: Someone who cares is willing to invest the time and energy into making an effort.
When they know how.
But people don’t always know how. And in our culture, we tend to assign nurturing and caretaking jobs to girls while we spoil boys. Girls are helping in the kitchen, or cleaning, or doing laundry, or taking care of their younger siblings while their brothers are playing with trucks or balls in the yard. We make excuses for boys that we don’t make for girls, and we lower what we expect of these boys. Without a wake-up call, these boys grow into men who feel entitled to continue being spoiled and coddled with no demands or expectations on them (beyond providing a paycheck). This is sad and shortchanges everyone.
Before we moved in together, my partner and I had a relaxed conversation over dinner about what chores we despise (for him it’s laundry, for me: dishes) and agreed that the other would primarily pitch in to handle that duty. For us, it doesn’t mean that I let days of dishes languish in the sink if something comes up for him and he’s otherwise preoccupied; it simply means that if I can let them hang for a day without getting huffy, he’ll take care of them. Just as I don’t do laundry every day, but sometimes let it pile up a bit until there are 4 or 5 loads to do all at once. Of course, these aren’t the only contributions we each make to the household, and we often check in with one another: “What tasks are pressing for you? What are you dreading or putting off doing that you’d love to offload? Where do you need help?”
Checking in like this — doing the emotional labor as well as the physical — keeps us both feeling appreciated, respected, and supported.
My partner and I also tag-team chores and duties — both inside the house and in the yard. Sometimes I mow the lawn and do the weeding; Sometimes he does. Sometimes I do the dishes and cook dinner; Sometimes he does. I usually vacuum upstairs and he usually vacuums down. He’s more likely to clean the toilets, but I’m more likely to clean the sinks and mirror. We both take out the garbage.
In every way, he makes my life easier and better.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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