Dad Under Fire is learning the hard way how easy it is to lose a marriage. He wants you to learn from his mistakes.
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I woke up one day and looked around the house. The four bedroom home that was once filled with kids noises and my wife’s banter was now so quiet it was eerie. I looked at myself in the mirror and questioned how it all came to be. How did we get ourselves in this situation and what could we have done differently? I realized it came down to five things.
Five.
It’s that easy to lose your marriage. See for yourself how it’s done and maybe learn a lesson from our mistakes.
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Don’t give your spouse gifts. Give money instead.
When it’s time to find that birthday/anniversary/holiday gift, there’s no need to waste time thinking about your significant other’s interests or hobbies. Nobody is perfect, so don’t try to find the perfect gift. Give money instead, without a card because that’s an extra $4.50 you can add to the gift. Just say they are better suited at finding that perfect gift than you are.
Express route: Don’t even hand it personally. Just suggest the shared account or credit card.
Don’t celebrate your spouse as an important individual in your life.
Be sure that when you and your better half are out around other people, you treat him/her like anyone else. Don’t give any extra attention. In fact even when it’s just the two of you, try not to treat him/her special in any way. If you’re not going to hold the door open for your buddy, you certainly shouldn’t be doing it for your spouse.
Express route: Don’t treat your spouse as an equal. Your marriage will reach its demise all the faster.
Sleep Alone.
Sure, you could just upgrade your Queen mattress to a King but let’s be honest—you can still feel them right next to you. No one wants that nonsense keeping them awake at night.
Start off slowly. Don’t go to bed at the same time. Find an excuse to stay up later, maybe to catch the news or watch the end of some sport. Slowly, your spouse will learn to sleep without you. Better yet “accidentally” fall asleep on the couch once or twice or nine times. Make your way to the guest bedroom one night and use the excuse that you didn’t want to disturb him/her with your snoring. Before you know it, you won’t even be missed.
Express route: Suggest to your kids they should go sleep in your bed and then tell your spouse there’s no room for you in the same bed. This is totally legit.
Get yourself a smartphone.
This is by far the most popular. If you find yourself stuck in endless conversations about how your day was or what you should do for the upcoming weekend, get yourself a smartphone. There are many suitable options, but get one that has a good battery life. This device can act like a “cone of silence” to all of those around you. You can browse the internet, start a Twitter account, familiarize yourself with Pinterest, or catch up with your friends on Facebook—not to mention all the fun there is to be had on Instagram. Any time you feel trapped, you can pull it out, swipe the screen, and away you go. It’s like a whole new world. Don’t worry about those around you, they won’t mind at all.
Express route: Put a password on that device ASAP. Whether you are hiding something or not, there’s no need to appear like an open book. Secrets are awesome.
Quit Showing Appreciation.
This is best saved for last. Get your game face on and make sure you let your spouse know that you really don’t care anymore. Stop giving compliments and enough with the warm fuzzies already. You need to appear as if you have given up on life without actually giving up on life. Do they cook dinner all the time? Don’t thank them or exclaim how delicious it was. Do they keep a tidy home and generally succeed at keeping everyone happy? No hugs or pats on the back. Showing you care is sign of weakness. Stay strong.
Express Route: Complain about all the good things your spouse does. Find a way to turn a positive into a negative.
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If you DO enjoy the person you’re with, and you ARE happy with your spouse, well then, let this be your guide for what not to do. Learn a lesson from us. If you enjoy being in a loving, caring, and balanced relationship with the person who shares your thoughts, interests, fears or dreams, then show them. Every day. In ways large and small, show them what they mean to you. Hold hands. Share your emotions. Listen to and enjoy one another. Life is more fun when you grow with someone alongside you.
I’m not an expert, but I am a casualty of a failed marriage. Take it from me. It’s easy to lose a marriage. Harder to keep one.
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Photo: banjo d/Flickr
One thing I learned from my parents:
Never ever give household appliances as a gift!
Also, giving money from a shared bank acoount seems pretty pointless to me.
You know, not all people are like you. For example, some people prefer sleeping alone, or separate from their partner because they sleep better that way. Or like to keep vastly different bedtimes. And yet, some of these people manage to stay happily married for years and years. Heck, some couples have one partner who works at night, or is a sailor, or what have you. There’s more than one way to have a great marriage. The trick is to do what works for you and what makes you happy – not to try to live according to some rigid… Read more »
You’re absolutely right, and I agree. I would however, like to point out that this is not a rigid template to a successful marriage. These are 5 things that will lead to a separation more times than not. Surely you can agree that those 5 things combined will lead to a very troublesome relationship? Trust me, I wish things were different, but this is my personal experience that I am sharing with the hopes that it may help others. In fact, I even say I am not an expert, just a casualty. I would also like to point out to… Read more »
Yup, I would be super pleased for cash gifts, you hear Jon?
I’ll add: Tease your spouse. Always do so under the guise of humor, and if they get upset, don’t apologize, just tell them they can’t take a joke and ask why they’re being so bitchy/grumpy today. Don’t miss an opportunity for a little fun at their expense. Assume they know you don’t mean it and won’t take your jabs to heart. When this leads to an inevitable confrontation, be humbled and repent, then fall back to your old ways when the dust has settled. And when they point this out, shrug and say “This is just how I am, you… Read more »
It amazing how fast these “little things” can add up! Thanks to the author for pointing out how so many things that are so easily dismissed can create real problems in a marriage when they’re all bundled together and lived day in and day out.
Add:
(1) Allow your drunken twice-divorced friend take you out drinking every weekend and ignore your family…
(2) Allow your angry drunken friend make teasing/derogatory remarks to your wife in front of your friends (while she is serving them dinner!) when you are out of earshot….
(3) Continue to be friends with obnoxious abusive drunken friend even though your wife is visibly upset about the above-mentioned…