One of the darkest times in my life was divorcing my abusive ex-husband. I had spent seven years being cut down and belittled to the point where I no longer had any sort of confidence or self-esteem. It got to the point where I just wanted out. I didn’t care if I left on my own two feet or was carried out in a body bag. Out was out.
It took everything I had in me to leave. I can remember driving to my grandparents house and my legs were shaking so badly I could barely operate the pedals of the car. I was terrified of the potential backlash from him. I was terrified of being on my own for the first time. I was terrified of starting over.
I didn’t expect the grief that would overcome me in the following months. The relationship had been so toxic. So I didn’t understand why I was still grieving. There were days I would get out of bed and put a shirt on and those small tasks alone would exhaust me so much that I would get back in bed and fall asleep again.
I thought once I was good and out that I would bounce back to being a healthy normal person. I was wrong. I felt crippled by anxiety and panic attacks. There were moments when I didn’t want to carry on.
I found it difficult to relate to others. Everyone else’s life seemed so untainted. The things they complained about seemed so trivial to me. I resented them for it. It left me feeling more alone than ever.
The first glimmer of relief came from listening to Kara Loewentheil’s podcast. In one of her episodes she said our thoughts create our feelings and that all our thoughts are optional. My mind exploded with that statement. It opened the door for me to start questioning all of the beliefs I held about myself, about my past, and about my future. This questioning allowed me to begin to release the death grip that I had on my own painful narratives.
I began to see that the things I believed about myself: that I was worthless, broken, unlovable, damaged-all of it was optional. And it was the cause of so much of my pain. Once I saw it clearly, I began to shift my default narrative to one of my own choosing. I reframed the way I saw my past. I chose on purpose what to believe about myself. I chose to believe that I could take charge of my own life and make it what I wanted. I stopped seeing myself as a victim. I started believing in my own power and taking full responsibility for my life. In doing so, I found true freedom.
I might not be able to change what happened in the past, but I could control how I thought about it.
The other thing that helped me move out of the dark place I was in was learning how to process emotions properly. I had spent my whole life resisting my feelings and trying to escape from them. Learning how to process them fully enabled me to allow the feelings to move through me and pass on through instead of sticking and causing suffering.
I don’t ever want to go through another dark period. I know in my lifetime I probably will. We cannot control what happens in the world around us. The world is full of sickness, death, and crime. But I know now I at least have the skills to make it through whatever darkness may come my way on to the other side. It is the one thing that gives me comfort in this world full of uncertainty.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Cherry Laithang on Unsplash