I have a confession to make.
Every time I agreed to my partner having a “guy night,” I would regret it the moment he would leave and send a fury of texts about how he doesn’t want to spend time with me. I was that girlfriend. Sometimes, I still am.
I’m an introvert. My partner says he’s a bit of both. He’s down to play poker on Sunday nights, but he wants his peace and quiet during the workweek.
We’ve been dating for almost three years, and we’re best friends. We go grocery shopping together; we go hiking together; we do everything together. When we go out, we always include some friends from our social circle, so we’re not completely disconnected.
I love it this way, and I know that not everybody is like me. Some women have packed social calendars and love going out for brunch with their girlfriends on the weekends or grabbing a drink or two during the week, but I’ve always preferred my own sweet solitude to that of others.
A few weeks ago, my partner and I were having a serious discussion about whether or not we were going to look for a new place to live in Los Angeles or pack up our life and move to New York City.
I favored the second option, and while my partner said it was entirely up to me, I knew deep down that he loves California, and he would hate leaving his long-time friends here, as well as the other friends he’s made through work.
We decided to stay for the time being, and for whatever reason, I felt content with my decision. I even said we should try to be a little bit more social. A few days later, my partner went off to poker night with his friends while I was happy to stay home with a new book, some takeout, and possibly a glass of wine.
Everything was going swimmingly until my partner didn’t respond to my texts, and I immediately resorted to being angry.
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Are you jealous?
Usually, whenever I get upset with my partner for not being with me, I know it’s out of jealousy. Not because he’s doing anything wrong, but because I genuinely love his company, and I want him around.
Sometimes, when we’re out with friends — I look at him. And I mean, I really look at him. I admire the shape of his perfectly straight nose, his chiseled jaw, and how his pine-tree green eyes sparkle when he’s sharing a story. I already know what story he’s telling people; he’s already told it to me. I tell myself that with a little bit of pride, knowing I was the first to hear it in the first place.
People ask him questions all the time; my best friend Sophia once called him a human google because he can tell you everything about anything.
When we first started dating, that was one of the first things that stuck out to me. His intense desire for learning and how well-versed he was about everything. It’s sexy when you can ask a man anything, and he knows all about it.
I told myself the next time I would get frustrated with him, I would first ask myself if I was jealous that he wasn’t with me. If the answer was yes, I’d swallow the frustration and let him do his thing.
Men don’t like being controlled, and it’s not my intention to be controlling in the first place. While I might come off a bit possessive, I need to put myself in check because he’s a human being who has a life and feelings.
If you feel jealous because your partner is devoting less time and attention to you and more to others, that’s a different story. However, if your partner is just getting away for some “friend time” or even alone time, let them have their fun.
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They didn’t forget you.
Abandonment issues are real, and I never even entertained the thought until a friend of mine mentioned a fight she had with her partner.
Psychologist Robert Taibbi shares a helpful scenario in his article for Psychology Today,
Cate’s boyfriend Jake hasn’t responded to the text she sent him a couple of hours ago, and now she is furious. She fires off a host of ever-increasingly nasty texts. Finally, he responds, saying how he got tied up at work, which Cate thinks is just a lame excuse. She’s getting fed up with Jake and is ready to cut and run.
Cate: Controlling and critical? Entitled and self-centered, expecting everyone to respond to her every whim? Maybe. But behind her anger may be anxiety and fear of abandonment.
I grew up with a single mom, and I’ve always been possessive of her. I hated when she spent time with my step-dad, not just because he was an asshole but because she was my best friend. When she had my two baby sisters, I would often get jealous of how much attention she devoted to them.
We had a unique relationship, she had me when she was really young, and I was the one who helped around the house all the time; I babysat and took on more responsibility than the average kid does. Still, throughout it all — I loved her more than life and always felt like she was mine.
My father is non-existent; he popped up for air after not talking to me for almost 20 years. I always felt like he forgot about me, which he did because he wasn’t the one who found me; my mom found him.
If Cate and Jake want to break this cycle they both need to avoid arguing over whose reality is right — that Jake doesn’t care, that Cate is too controlling or needy — and instead both make changes. Cate needs to start by obviously slowing her anger down but more importantly, needs to look for the anxiety underneath. She can start by simply asking herself that question: “I’m getting angry; what am I worried about, afraid of?” This question over time will help her begin to recognize the underlying emotions.
When I didn’t hear from my partner during his poker night, I got frustrated. The first thought that came to mind was he forgot about you — he never goes out, and the one time he does, he immediately forgot about you.
As I’m sitting here writing this, I wonder why that thought occurred to me in the first place. I’m not insecure about my relationship, I’m not insecure about myself, our life together is great — so why was I feeling so negatively?
Cate needs to learn to lengthen that leash, not for Jake’s sake but for her own. She needs to learn to tolerate greater and greater distance by experimenting with… tolerating greater distance. When she gets the urge to text or call Jake, she needs to slow down, see if she can tell what is prompting the need, resist the urge to reach out, and then pat herself on the back for doing so. The goal is to expand her comfort zone and find out that what her anxious mind is telling her will happen, doesn’t — that Jake does, in fact, come back on his own.
Maybe I’ve gotten used to having my partner around all of the time, and the fact that he wasn’t responding sparked up some envy, or maybe I just felt anxious. I run to life-threatening conclusions like my life depends on it, and the idea that he got into a car accident did cross my mind for a minute or two.
My partner came home and consoled me. I’m fairly certain this seems outrageous to some people, but I felt sad at that moment and wanted to be comforted.
However, the next time he does attend poker night, I’m fully standing behind psychologist Robert Taibbi’s advice and reminding myself that I haven’t been forgotten and that my anxious mind is wrong.
Over time, I know that if I invest effort into fixing my anxieties about being left, I won’t feel this way, and with some more communication, my partner will understand why I tend to get frustrated at things like this. It’s all about communication.
***
Distance can strengthen relationships.
Thomas Haynes Bayly brought this phrase, ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’ to life in his poem Isle of Beauty in 1844.
I always thought it depended on the individuals. For example, I love seeing certain family members, but I love them even more with some distance between us.
While I don’t think I’ll ever be the type of girlfriend who does brunch with girlfriends on the weekends and spends all of her time with other people, I am trying to be okay with going back to having alone time and being okay with my partner doing his own thing when he feels like it.
It’s incredibly easy to get wrapped up in your daily life and forget to value the people you love. Time apart — even a few hours can help teach you the value of your relationships, as well as a greater appreciation for the time you get to spend together.
You start to miss their laugh or how they tap the floor nonstop while on their computer. When you see them again, the time you spend together feels more precious.
Distance is not a bad thing. While not being with your person is frustrating, alone time can be beneficial for both of you.
***
My goal is to always get better and improve in areas I know I don’t do well in. This is one of those areas, and I know I’m not the only one who gets lonely when their partner goes out for some guy time or whatever it might be.
The next time you feel negatively in a situation like this, remember you’re not alone. Ask yourself why you feel this way in the first place. Are you spending less time together? Is them not being with you affecting your time together?
Usually, it’s a little cup of jealousy that can be fixed right up with some positive self-talk and logic. If the matter is more complex than that, for instance, experiencing abandonment issues — talk about it with your partner.
Communication is key, after all.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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Photo credit: Arnaud Mesureur on Unsplash