I have been diagnosed with metastatic brain cancer. It’s a type IV. Prognosis? A few months.
That’s life and I’m OK with it. I’ve made my peace.
But my mother will survive me.
In Indian culture, we take care of our parents.
We don’t put them in old age homes. Well, we do now, sometimes. Modernity has come even to India.
I’m not even really Indian. I grew up in New York City. But I still feel obligated to care for my mother.
In reality, I could pass this off to my brother.
In Hindu culture, it is the oldest son’s responsibility. But I would not trust my brother to take care of my cat, let alone my mother. The last time Mom was left a widow in his house she almost died.
She’s a diabetic. He didn’t take her to the doctor for 18 months. Every time I called to talk to her she was crying.
I moved her in with me even though this is not what happens in India. I became her son.
It sounds sexist, but this is the role I am playing in Indian culture. The daughter receives the dowry and the fancy wedding, the son inherits the property and takes care of the parents.
My mother and I do not have much. We are not rich. This is partly due to my cancer. I was not able to work for many years. I’m divorced. My mother and I get by. Fortunately we live in a less expensive part of the country.
But it’s important that I fulfill my obligation to my mother before I die.
I want her to be comfortable enough. I can’t afford to put her in a fancy retirement community but she shouldn’t be fighting the cat for food.
So I’ve spent precious time and energy going through finances.
It’s important to spend time with people you love before you die. Share memories and love and laughter and hugs. But… we live in a material world. I have an obligation to make sure when I’m gone my mom will have a place to live.
I am lucky that I have good friends. I know they will keep an eye on Mom after I am gone. That is a mercy.
Ultimately I have to trust in God.
I have faith that when I am not here any longer, He will keep an eye on my mother for me. I love God and I love my mother. I have done my best to fulfill my obligation to both. It’s duty but it’s also coming from my heart. I am glad to be of service to those I love.
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This post was previously published on Shefali O’Hara.
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