As a clinical and forensic psychologist who works with people who stalk other people, and with victims of trauma, including stalking victims, I have a set of iron-clad standards and acceptable behaviours when I dabble in online dating. I have seen many people get hurt in a range of ways in this arena by behaviours that seem innocent.
The one time I breached my own rules, a few years ago, I experienced behaviours that paralleled online stalking[1]. It started simply. Stan* and I matched on a dating app. I wasn’t sure that he was my type, but I was in the process of exploring the boundaries of my type and decided to take a shot. He said a number of odd things during our text messages which led to some disquiet. The biggest dating red flag was when he told me that he had looked me up on LinkedIn, a few hours after we first matched. This showed me a few things.
a. Too much intensity and interest for a beginning interaction, when we had not even met.
b. Intrusive behaviours, and;
c. Lack of social judgement—by deciding to share that fact with me (i.e., he had no radar of what people might consider intrusive or scary).
I continued the conversation for a short while, because I was aware that I tend to identify dating red flags quickly because of my work, and I wanted to ensure I was being reasonable. However, I ultimately decided not to proceed with our conversations and told him so, respectfully but directly, as I usually do. He proceeded to try and change my mind, to tell me I needed friends (I didn’t), that he wanted to be there for me (we had never met, so this was inappropriate and odd, not sweet) and generally, would not take no for an answer (how loudly can I say that this is a no for me?). Eventually, I ceased responding to his messages. He tried telephoning me a few times, and I ignored his calls. I then woke the next morning to a number of calls from him overnight, some at odd times such as 3 am. At this point, I blocked him. He then found me on a couple of other websites and tried to connect, all of which I blocked or ignored.
I have never tried to second-guess my radar or rules again.
None of these approaches were overtly scary or threatening, but these behaviours still spoke to a range of difficulties in some key dating and social realms, and behaviours that would have become problematic in a relationship. I often hear that people struggle to identify difficult behaviours online, or ill-intent. I don’t have a rule book that will guarantee 100% success — but I do have some basic guidelines to support you in your quest to date with emotional safety and identify possibly difficult behaviours before they spiral. When I consider behaviours that are potentially difficult or harmful, or behaviours that are likely to translate to conflict in relationships, I use two primary lenses. These lenses are—
Attachment
Attachment is our basic biological and psychological drive to connect with other humans. It derives from the primary attachments we develop with caregivers as babies. We all have a primary attachment style —more here and difficulties with either anxious (overly attached with nervousness about separation) or avoidant (overly dismissive) attachment styles can manifest early in the dating process, and play out disastrously.
Social Skills
When considering behaviours, I also look at them through the lens of social skills. ‘Soft’ social skills are developed as we progress through life and involve things like turn-taking, sharing, reciprocity, reading and responding to another person. A lack of social skills can lead to difficulties, as it may mean that someone does not understand why their approaches are clumsy or frightening, or how to interact with someone in a healthy and appropriate manner.
The other factors I consider are whether behaviour is indicative of entitlement (i.e., a feeling that someone has a right to you or your time), trouble with emotional regulation (such as becoming angry because you need to change plans), difficulties with communication (either overly passive or aggressive communication can be problematic) or general problematic attitudes (e.g., “you are not like other men/women” speaks to poor gender attitudes).
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The Red Flags
Here are some seemingly innocent behaviours I have heard about, or seen directly, as well as why I think they are potentially problematic.
Too much interest
Yes— I know, bear with me. “But surely this is WHAT WE WANT?” I hear you cry. Yes and no. Interest in someone should take time to develop. Good relationships are built on a bedrock of knowing the other person well and trusting that they are a good match for you. This needs to occur slowly over time, as people talk and spend time together and get to know each other. Someone who throws themselves into an online match with too much intensity, is signalling that they are a. desperate to form a relationship, and b. that this connection is not based on a strong (or any…) knowledge about the other person. Relationships that spring from desperation instead of depth and desire, are likely to be less satisfying overall.
People should demonstrate SOME interest in you (and vice versa — otherwise why bother) but this should be matched to the stage of the connection and should strengthen over time, rather than the all-in-initially followed by slow-withdrawal pattern I typically see. Wanting to see you all the time, being upset when you are not available, pushing for overly personal information, saying “I love you” quickly, talking about marriage or moving in together too quickly —these are all signs of mismatched interest-to-stage.
Too much communication or odd communication patterns
See above for why. Too much communication can indicate that a. they don’t have much else going on (I don’t know about you, but as an adult who works full-time, I can’t usually text 24/7), b. that they are not respectful of your commitments, or c. are seeking an instant relationship.
Similarly, inconsistency in communication, such as disappearing for days at a time or only texting/calling at very specific times (making allowances for shift work etc.) might indicate a range of things, including general inconsistency, other relationship commitments (…if I had a dollar for everyone who told me a version of this, ending with “and then I found out he was married”) or fluctuating interest in you. People often fall into the trap of “but I wanted to give them a second chance”, or “what if they were telling the truth or were just busy”?
I always like to focus on the emotional cost of this pattern when trying to work this through, and to note that relationships will always need genuine, sustained interest to work, so why invest in someone who shows you at the outset that they cannot —or will not— provide this?
Reassurance seeking
“Are we ok?”/“Why haven’t you responded, are you mad at me?”/“Have you seen my last text?”
These are all texts I have received from people before I have even met them. Reassurance seeking is understandable in a long-term relationship, we all need to know that someone cares and will feel insecure at times. However, reassurance seeking and/or pushy communication are not ideal right at the start, because it speaks to intense need and difficulties managing feelings. We all have difficult feelings and times of doubt when dating, but sending messages like those above to someone you have not even met is misplaced and demonstrates difficulties with self-soothing.
No-drama llama
No drama is great, but I run a mile from anyone who overtly says “no drama”. This simply says to me that someone has had a lot of dramatic relationships and have no idea about the role they play in this dynamic. In addition, someone who meets any emotional request with a demand that you be less emotional, or says that you are being ‘dramatic’ when you express needs or feelings is unlikely to be able to understand or meet your emotional needs. Sometimes, no drama is just code for ‘no fucks given about your feelings’.
Vagueness/No sharing/Inconsistency
Relationships are a two-way street and to build one, people need to share and open up to each other and allow lives to slowly merge (usually over the course of months). If you are dating someone who shares nothing with you about their life, does not introduce you to any friends or family, and does not want to meet yours —there is something amiss. This something could be something big like a secret wife and family (yes, this has happened to a few of my friends), a lack of interest in forming a commitment to you, or simply, a lack of interest in anything beyond the odd sexual encounter.
Intense anger at a former partner
Look, I get it. Everyone is angry with an ex sometimes, but a date or new relationship is not the time and space to explore that in great detail, or to vent one’s spleen about the actions of a former partner, regardless of how badly said former partner may have behaved. This behaviour generally shows unprocessed anger and suggests that someone may not have fully moved on from their previous relationship, leaving them with limited emotional availability for you. Equally, someone who speaks at length about the wrongs multiple former partners have done to them, or who denies any responsibility for difficulties within their past relationships is likely to have a limited amount of emotional awareness, and may have tendencies to externalise and project blame onto other people (such as you).
Being overly forceful/Boundary pushing
Stan was a good example of this. He didn’t take no for an answer once I expressed that I did not want to continue talking to him. This behaviour tells me very clearly that someone will not understand or respect boundaries. This is very problematic, as respecting boundaries is at the heart of all safe relational encounters.
No does really mean no, and not just in the sexual realm.
Some other ways boundary pushing might manifest?
Continuing to talk about a subject you have stated is off-limits.
Going through your personal belongings or your social media.
Pushing you to change your mind about anything (with exceptions for common sense of course, “are you sure you can’t do pizza tonight” would not count).
Encouraging you to change your body, friends, or work.
Pushing your sexual boundaries.
Pushing you to accelerate the pace of a relationship beyond what you are comfortable with.
Refusing to put in matched effort (e.g., always making you drive to see them).
I hope you have a better understanding of how to filter or understand some of the behaviours you may have experienced or witnessed. Understanding the genesis of these behaviours and thinking about how they might play out longitudinally is key, when deciding whether to allow a behaviour as ‘odd but not problematic’, or deciding that it might actually be more harmful in the long-term.
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*Name changed to protect the not-so-innocent.
[1] Stalking is defined as repeated, unwanted intrusions into someone’s life that may be reasonably expected to cause the victim fear. I did not experience fear about the behaviours as I knew I could manage them, and they did not continue for long enough to be classed as stalking, which is why I have called them ‘behaviours that parallel stalking’, not stalking. All it would have taken for this to tip over the edge, would have been for Stan to attempt to continue to contact me for a few days.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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Photo credit: Carson Masterson on Unsplash