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A young man once said to me, “I don’t know what women want. I don’t even have a clue.” He spoke in this world-weary way, filled with frustration for the complexities of the modern dating world. He spoke of mixed signals and never quite knowing when to approach or when his attentions were unwelcome. Women’s minds seemed a total mystery, a true no-man’s land that he could never, ever figure out no matter how willing he might be to learn.
From one perspective, I can see how men could find themselves struggling to navigate dating. Old-fashioned ideas of courtships, where the rules were carefully laid out, no longer exist. Instead, it’s every man (or woman) for themselves, making up the rules as they go along. There’s not a truly universal standard of what’s acceptable. I, personally, find unsolicited dick pics to be offensive, and yet I know other women who enjoy receiving them. That’s just one example, but the whole of dating can be a muddle.
Who calls whom? Do we call at all or just text? Does this person seem interested, or is he/she just being nice? Should the first date be a drink, dinner, or something more interesting? No one seems to bring flowers anymore, and who’s supposed to pay? What about first kisses and first sexual encounters? The questions are endless, and the answers are highly individual.
It can be a difficult world to figure out—and an exceedingly frustrating one at that. But there are a few universal tips that might be helpful to young men who sincerely want to have healthy relationships.
1. Be honest about what you want.
If someone asks what we’re looking for in the dating world, it’s entirely acceptable to be honest. We should have at least some clue what we’re looking for—whether that’s a casual encounter, friendship, or even a serious relationship.
2. Value consent.
We should ask for consent before sending any pictures we wouldn’t necessarily show our mothers. The same goes for any sexual encounter. Don’t assume that the other person is as interested as you are. Make sure there’s enthusiastic consent and that protection is a part of that conversation.
3. Don’t just ghost when you’re done.
This is huge. There are a variety of bad behaviors in the dating world, and none of them are gender specific. When a relationship has run its course, it’s okay to say that we’re not interested or that we came across a deal breaker. It’s never okay just to disappear without a word because we’re not feeling it. That’s deeply hurtful to the other party.
4. In the words of Elizabeth Gilbert…
“Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person’s body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.” Simply put, we shouldn’t use people. Not to stroke our ego. Not to replace someone else we’re missing. Not for any reason.
5. Adjust your expectations.
Instead of judging the dating experience by what we think it should be like, we have to come to accept it for what it is. I’m finding a trend of younger men who have these ideas about what relationships should be like. They’ve picked up these ideas from their families, peers, or even from popular media. Some of them are deeply unhealthy.
Men who want a healthy relationship should investigate their own belief systems in order to weed out any unhealthy and unrealistic ideas about dating. Old-fashioned ideas of gender roles should definitely go. Also, throw out any tendency to mansplain, to be in control of the relationship, and to project past relationships on to the new one.
Healthy relationships and dating experiences are possible. It doesn’t have to be quite as complicated as we’ve made it. As we explore new interactions, we can learn what we do and don’t want, and we can be honest about that. With greater honesty and fewer expectations, we may find that the dating world isn’t quite as complicated as we’ve thought.
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This post was originally published on medium.com, and is republished here with the author’s permission.
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Photo credit: Getty Images