You stare at your lawn on a perfect spring morning. You have no idea why you do this, only that you must. It’s a compulsion. Not always felt, but since you’ve had children, it consumes you. And what goes through your mind? You don’t know. It doesn’t matter. You must stare.
Lots of things have changed that you’re beginning to notice. Your supply of WD-40 has gone up exponentially from the minute you took your first kid home from the hospital. Duct tape now seems as necessary as breathing. You are on constant alert for someone to say that they’re tired just so you can scream “Hi, Tired! I’m Dad.”
This is your new normal, and you can’t explain it. All you know is that this is Dad Law, and it must be obeyed.
Which is good because the new book Dad Law: The Definitive Reference for All Things Dad by Ally Probst and Joel Willis now lets you know exactly what you need to do. Not because you want to, but because you have to.
“During our time at The Dad, our dad scientists carefully cataloged every dadism in the universe,” said Joel. Then he went back to staring at his yard. It was a very odd interview, but I couldn’t help but join him.
The book sets forth a group of behaviors, sayings, and things that only another dad will understand.
For example: “Regardless of the item, a dad will always recommend, ‘Hang on to that; it may come in handy one day’” I write that and think fondly of the two giant coffee cans that I have in my garage that contain bolts, screws, and specialty fasteners used only for a 1978 water heater. I may need that one day.
Dad Law is the kind of book that fathers need. We have the infinite ability to make fun of ourselves while giving sage advice. The world is serious enough, and we crave to add some levity to that world. Yes, we can be silly because nothing brings quite the joy to us as a smile on our kid’s faces. But just because many of us like to laugh doesn’t mean there isn’t nuggets of wisdom aren’t hidden in those chuckles.
“If a dad finds a particular brand of sock that he likes, he must purchase these socks in bulk quantity.” The lesson obviously here is to be finically smart as it can often be cheaper to buy in bulk when you price it out by the unit.
Now the question becomes, can any Dad Law be broken? Are they set in stone like the Ten Commandments, which is probably a bad example because they are broken all the time. But let’s pretend that they are not.
“None can be broken,” says Joel. But then he points out that kids will break them because “that’s why we can’t have nice things.” Even when a Dad Law is broken, it is dad law that they must be broken. The inherent contradiction is its very strength.
As fathers, our currency rests in puns, double entendre, and hidden meanings. It’s the mischievous side of us knowing that we are laying the groundwork for the laugh that will not come for years. It’s a subliminal message that our kids will get, but only when they have kids of their own.
“What’s ice cream flavor has the best pun-ability,” I asked.
“Karamel Sutra.”
The reply was immediate because it had already been decided. I thought it would have been a version of rocky road that came up, but nay, as soon as I heard Karamel Sutra I knew I was wrong. And I knew that I had found my people.
The truth is that being a dad is hard. We never know if we are doing things. It’s nice to be able to laugh, not only to remind our kids that we are still human but to remind ourselves of our own fathers and remember their eccentricities play out in our own style.
So, if you find yourself staring at your lawn for hours or playing air drums when In the Air Tonight by Phil Collins comes on, don’t worry.
You have to do this. It’s Dad Law.
—
This Post is republished on Medium.
—
Photo credit: iStock