I have never met anyone who did not have a core wound that needed tending, and I am no exception. I have been nursing and tending (present tense) my core wounds for quite some time. I am constantly discovering new things about myself, and my core wounds often appear in various forms whenever I do.
I am not angry with my parents for my wounds because forgiveness is the most crucial part of healing. I accept and acknowledge that my parents have always done their very best — even if their best was not enough for what my little heart needed. I also recognize that the presence of their untended wounds sometimes limited their best.
Core wounds do not aim to maim, kill, or destroy — their purpose is to further evolution. These wounds exist to facilitate expansion, not to limit growth.
There is no such thing as waste — everything is useful.
Pain is a signal, not a symptom.
Pain is an attention grabber that says, “look at this shit!”
Discomfort has but a single purpose — to make us pay attention. Otherwise, we would never evolve — and evolution is merely a response to adversity — and adversity is what happens when something becomes obsolete — meaning no longer effective.
The universe is efficient, and it will always choose the quickest, fastest, most accessible route to betterment. And as an inhabitant of this ecosystem, you too are subject to change — we all are.
But if core wounds are about healing, why does it inhibit loving?
One of the most common side-effects of core wounding is an aversion to discomfort, resulting in the fear of intimacy.
By definition, intimacy means to be close or familiar. But over time, we have come to believe that intimacy only occurs in sexual relationships. And yes, that is one way, but not the only way.
Intimacy can be expressed and experienced in many ways.
With friends, family, and strangers. Lovers, husbands, and wives. Through words or without. Eye contact. Fingers interlaced. Exchanging of breath. Caressing of cheeks. Exploring of bodies. Shoulders touching in passing. Words mouthed without sound. By letter, email, or text. Truth-telling and receiving. Tongues tangling. Ears listening. Hearts beating. Silence. Music. Poetry.
Intimacy is a chameleon, and it shifts and changes based on the situation and circumstance. The intensity is dependent on the willingness of the people involved. But regardless of the conditions, intimacy is always possible but not always chosen.
We struggle with intimacy because we struggle with vulnerability, or tenderness, as I prefer to call it.
We are afraid to be vulnerable because tenderness makes us feel naked and unprotected.
It renders one helpless against all threats, making us susceptible to being hurt. And so we resist.
But I have decided to cultivate more intimacy in my life, which means leaning into tenderness and getting comfortable being uncomfortable. I WANT TO FEEL EVERYTHING and not just the good parts.
I desire to embody the complete range of my emotions and to feel the fullness of every feeling. I will not allow the fear of being hurt to inhibit my experience.
It’s scary but do it anyway.
It takes a lot of energy to resist love. Seriously, trying not to get close is exhausting. As frowning requires more effort than smiling, abstaining from love is more complicated than loving.
Besides, you were born to love. But I understand that it takes a tremendous amount of courage to feel it all, and it’s a risk that promises to sting on occasion but one that also guarantees deliciousness.
- Are you courageous enough to feel it all?
- Can you be bold enough to lean into pleasure?
- Do you believe that you are worthy of your desires?
- Will you be audacious enough to live your best life?
You are courageous, bold, audacious, and worthy — I know this because like attracts like. So commit, here and now, to live the fullest expression of your soul because that’s what you came here to do.
This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Escape the Act Like a Man Box | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men | Why I Don’t Want to Talk About Race | The First Myth of the Patriarchy: The Acorn on the Pillow |
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Photo credit: Sven Mieke on Unsplash