“Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.” — Anonymous
Love and relationships have long been regarded as essential aspects of human existence, bringing joy, fulfillment, and a sense of belonging.
However, the delicate interplay between love and mental health disorders, such as narcissism, can introduce complexities that challenge the very foundations of these connections.
Narcissism, characterized by an excessive focus on self-importance, a lack of empathy, and a constant need for admiration, can significantly impact the dynamics and outcomes of romantic relationships.
In this thought piece, I want to explore the intricate relationship between love, relationships, and the influence of narcissism, shedding light on the potential challenges faced by both individuals directly affected and their partners.
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Lara
“Be the flame, not the moth.” — Giacomo Casanova
In relationships, this should be the idea. That we choose to be the flame and not the moth. But I think this rule should be bent if you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissistic person.
You see, Lara had always been a selfless soul, someone who prioritized the happiness and well-being of others above her own. In every relationship she entered, whether romantic or platonic, Lara would willingly set herself on fire to keep those around her warm.
I am guilty of this myself so I am not pointing fingers.
Lara was everything to everyone.
Lara believed that her purpose in life was to be the provider of comfort, support, and unconditional love. To everyone around her, and many times at the cost of not doing the same for herself.
She found solace in the joy she brought to others’ lives, even if it came at the cost of her own happiness. She poured her energy into making others feel cherished, often neglecting her own needs and desires.
In her romantic relationships, Lara would bend over backward to meet her partner’s every need. She sacrificed her own dreams and aspirations to support their ambitions.
She neglected her own emotional well-being, always putting on a brave face even when her heart felt heavy. She became an expert at hiding her pain, afraid that her struggles might burden or disappoint her partner.
Among her friends, Lara was the go-to person for advice, a shoulder to cry on, and a source of unwavering support. She offered a listening ear, even when her own troubles went unheard.
She pushed aside her own problems to uplift her friends, believing that her own struggles were insignificant in comparison.
“You can’t pour from an empty cup” — Anonymous
Essentially, the saying means that in order for us as humans to effectively take care of others, we must first take care of ourselves.
As time went on, Lara’s selflessness took its toll.
The flames that once fueled her altruism began to consume her from within. She felt an emptiness growing inside, a void left by her neglected self.
The sacrifices she made for others left her feeling unappreciated and taken for granted.
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Alex
I wish to drown in my pain, alone, just like a moth dancing to its death in the flame!” — Nishta Kochar
That is what narcissists do, take, and take, and take, and take! Until you have nothing left to give, and then they will take some more.
Lara’s journey of selflessness and setting herself on fire to keep others warm took an unexpected turn when she fell deeply in love with a charismatic and charming individual named Alex.
Unbeknownst to her, Alex was a narcissist, skilled at manipulating others and exploiting their vulnerabilities.
“We are to give (and take) true love without falling into the narcissistic habit of only trying to take it in.” ~ Criss Jami
From the moment they met, Lara was enchanted by Alex’s magnetic presence. He showered her with affection and compliments, making her feel like the center of his universe.
She believed she had found her soulmate, someone who understood and appreciated her selfless nature.
As their relationship progressed, however, Lara began to notice cracks in the foundation of their love. Alex’s admiration for her slowly morphed into a desire to control and dominate.
He demanded her undivided attention, isolating her from her friends and family, claiming that he alone could provide the love and support she needed.
Being in love with a narcissist is a losing game.
Lara’s unwavering dedication to their relationship kept her bound to Alex, even as his true nature unveiled itself. He belittled her accomplishments, dismissed her opinions, and made her question her own worth. Lara’s self-esteem eroded, and the fire within her started to flicker.
She tried desperately to meet Alex’s ever-changing expectations, hoping that her sacrifices would rekindle the love they once shared. But the more she gave, the more he took, exploiting her selflessness to further inflate his own ego.
Lara’s friends and loved ones grew concerned as they witnessed her transformation. They saw a once vibrant and passionate woman becoming a mere shadow of her former self. They tried to intervene, to show her the toxicity of her relationship, but Lara was trapped in a web of manipulation and self-doubt.
It was only when she hit rock bottom, her fire barely flickering, that Lara mustered the strength to break free.
“Half the pain in human life comes from gazing in mirrors.” ~ Marty Rubin
One day, as Lara gazed into a mirror, she caught a glimpse of her reflection.
Her eyes, once vibrant with life, appeared dull and weary. The fire that had once burned within her was on the verge of extinguishing.
It was in that moment of self-realization that Lara understood the need to balance her selflessness with self-care.
She realized that her selflessness had become a prison, enabling the narcissistic abuse she had endured.
With each step towards reclaiming her own identity, Lara began to rebuild the flames of her inner strength and resilience.
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Lara and Alex
Here are the five likely stages of a relationship with a narcissist
The Initial Attraction
In the early stages of a relationship, love often blossoms amid a mutual exchange of affection, admiration, and shared experiences.
However, for those with narcissistic tendencies, this initial attraction may be rooted in a desire for validation and admiration rather than genuine emotional connection.
Narcissists are often skilled at projecting an idealized self-image, drawing others in with their charm and charisma.
This can lead to partners being enamored by the captivating facade, only to later confront the reality of a relationship built on shallow foundations.
Emotional Rollercoaster
Narcissism’s impact on relationships can be tumultuous.
While narcissists may initially shower their partners with attention and adoration, their emotional availability and empathy are often limited.
As the relationship progresses, partners may find themselves on an emotional rollercoaster, with the narcissist oscillating between moments of intense affection and moments of callous disregard for their feelings.
This inconsistency and lack of emotional support can lead to confusion, self-doubt, and a deep sense of emotional depletion for the non-narcissistic partner.
Manipulation and Control
Narcissists often possess a strong desire for control and power within relationships.
Their manipulative tactics may include gaslighting, belittling, or emotionally exploiting their partners to maintain dominance and bolster their fragile self-esteem.
This can erode the self-worth and autonomy of the non-narcissistic partner, creating a toxic dynamic of dependency and subjugation.
Challenges for the Non-Narcissistic Partner
Being in a relationship with a narcissistic individual can take a toll on the mental health and well-being of the non-narcissistic partner.
Constant criticism, invalidation, and the sense of never being truly seen or valued can lead to anxiety, depression, and a diminished sense of self.
The non-narcissistic partner may also find themselves adapting their behaviors and suppressing their needs to avoid conflict or gain fleeting moments of validation, further compromising their mental and emotional stability.
Seeking Support and Healing
Recognizing and addressing the impact of narcissism on a relationship is essential for the non-narcissistic partner’s well-being.
Seeking therapy or support groups can provide a safe space to process emotions, regain self-confidence, and develop strategies for setting boundaries and practicing self-care.
Additionally, for individuals with narcissistic tendencies, professional help can facilitate introspection, empathy-building, and the cultivation of healthier relationship patterns.
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The Healing Journey for Lara
“The worst lies were the lies I told myself about the lies others told me.” ~ Alice Little
The journey to heal and move on from the toxic relationship was not easy.
Lara had to confront the wounds inflicted by Alex’s manipulation and rebuild her shattered self-esteem.
It took time, support from loved ones, and professional help to rediscover her worth and recognize that her value was not dependent on someone else’s validation.
Through the pain and heartbreak, Lara emerged as a survivor, stronger and more resilient than ever before. She learned the importance of setting boundaries, prioritizing her own well-being, and finding a partner who respected and cherished her selflessness rather than exploiting it.
Lara’s experience with a narcissistic partner served as a powerful lesson about the delicate balance between selflessness and self-care.
It was a painful chapter in her life, but it ultimately led her to a newfound understanding of her own strength and the importance of nurturing her own fire before offering warmth to others.
Setting boundaries in your relationships is an act of self-love
She embarked on a journey of self-discovery and healing. Lara learned that setting boundaries and prioritizing her own well-being didn’t make her selfish.
It was an act of self-love, an essential step towards finding her own happiness and fulfillment.
As Lara reclaimed her own flame, she began to radiate a different kind of warmth — one that originated from a place of inner strength and contentment.
She discovered that true love and healthy relationships require a balance of giving and receiving. She could still offer support and love to others without sacrificing her own identity.
From that day forward, Lara learned to set healthy boundaries, to nurture herself as much as she nurtured others.
And as she flourished, she realized that by taking care of herself, she became even more capable of offering genuine warmth and love to those around her.
Lara’s journey serves as a reminder that while selflessness is admirable, it should never come at the expense of one’s own well-being.
Sometimes, the greatest act of love is to kindle and tend to our own fire, for it is only then that we can truly bring warmth and light to the world around us.
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Final Thoughts
I believe love and relationships can be profoundly influenced by mental health disorders such as narcissism.
Understanding the dynamics, challenges, and potential consequences of being in a relationship with a narcissistic individual is crucial for both partners.
By fostering awareness, seeking support, and promoting personal growth, individuals can navigate the complexities of love and relationships while prioritizing their mental health and overall well-being.
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And Now Your Thoughts
Please share your thoughts in the comments section below.
And may you find true love, and enjoy it in all its abundance! ❤
Thank you for reading!
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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