Shakespeare once said that expectations are the root of all heartache.
Well, that can be discussed. Having zero expectations can be healthy given that you don’t let go of your standards.
It’s more about becoming outcome-independent.
You are more mature when you operate from that mindset.
That being said, I want to modify that statement by Shakespeare and arrogantly assume it’s more accurate this way:
Assumptions are the root of all heartache.
They destroy relationships, build resentment, build walls between people, and break hearts.
And here is the scary thing: you might be destroying your relationships by assumptions without realizing it!
Assumptions can be very subtle and believable because they stem from deep-rooted beliefs and insecurities.
So, we tend to think what we are seeing, hearing, thinking, and perceiving is reality. Fear can blind us to the point of believing nonsense.
And here is the dangerous part:
Not only is it possible you are not aware you are making assumptions, but also you might feel justified in making them.
It is the quickest way to screw up what could have been a perfectly good situation.
And it is the quickest way to come across as unattractive, insecure, needy, or even abusive.
So, we need to talk about that!
Examples of assumptions in dating situations
This shouldn’t be hard to figure out.
But I will include a few examples to help you understand:
- How destructive assumptions are.
- How silly they can seem when you are observing them from the outside.
The simplest example is when someone doesn’t text you back or respond to your calls.
You might start assuming this person no longer loves you. This person no longer thinks you are important to them. Or this person is intentionally avoiding/ignoring you because of something you did.
Worst-case scenarios are created in your mind about how you lost this person. And your body follows along and gives you feelings of anxiety, restlessness, and even irritability.
Or if someone doesn’t offer you help when you need it, and when you didn’t ask, you assume they do not care about you.
You assume you are not that important to them.
And you might assume they have changed and are no longer interested in you.
Or if your partner is late, you start assuming they are out there seeing someone and cheating on you.
You assume this person is a cheater, manipulative, and a liar. And you start remembering all the bad things they did in the past 5 years!
Those assumptions are triggered by the simple actions of not texting or calling you back. Or the act of not offering help. Or being late.
Why is that?
Why do I keep making assumptions?
A belief, which is the result of a certain wound and a certain fear, is the reason.
I will explain.
When we believe in something, especially if fear is involved, we tend to filter everything based on that belief.
In other words, we look for evidence to back up our belief and prove it’s right.
If you believe you are unloved or you will be abandoned, you will be sensitive to the subtle signs that indicate that.
So, having dysfunctional beliefs about yourself and/or others will make your mind search for evidence to prove these beliefs right.
The assumptions you make, in turn, will strengthen the dysfunctional beliefs you have about yourself and/or other people.
And in some sense, because those beliefs are linked to wounds, you are trying to protect yourself with those assumptions.
So, it all starts with a belief you hold about yourself. Then, you start seeing the world through the lens of this belief, ignoring everything that doesn’t prove it right.
This was explained and discussed in the book Insecure in Love (a great read, by the way).
The author explained:
“People are especially motivated to verify their self-perceptions of being worthy or unworthy of love. They self-verify by selectively paying attention to, selectively remembering, and selectively interpreting information (Swann, Rentfrow, and Guinn 2003).”
What is selective attention?
The author explained:
“Selective attention: People pay more attention to, and spend more time considering, feedback that confirms their sense of their own lovability or unlovability than feedback that disconfirms it.
Selective memory: People tend to remember feedback that confirms their sense of being worthy or unworthy of love. Sometimes they don’t even process information that conflicts with their perception, let alone remember it over time.
Selective interpretation: People tend to unquestioningly believe feedback that confirms their sense of being lovable or unlovable. They think any feedback that conflicts with their preconception is due to a mistake or deception. They also interpret absent or ambiguous evidence as support for their self-perceptions.”
Think about that again. This explains assumptions and many other weird things our minds tend to believe at times.
How to stop making assumptions in a relationship
It goes like this.
First, you have the belief. It makes you see the world based on it (make assumptions).
Then, the belief gets stronger as it is reinforced.
And it is a cycle; with stronger toxic beliefs, you have uglier assumptions.
Now, those assumptions sabotage relationships and affect our mood and mental health in general.
This is the first thing to think about.
Realize what they actually cost you.
Your mind subconsciously believes those assumptions protect you.
Counter that by consciously becoming aware of how assumptions ruin your relationships and destroy your mental health.
But that is not enough.
You need to question and challenge them instead of believing them.
Realizing they stem from your own wounds (most of the time) will help you do that.
But also, challenging them by reminding yourself there are literally ten other assumptions you can make. Why pick the most pathological one?
Does it have to mean that?
If someone doesn’t answer your calls, it does not have to mean they are avoiding you.
It could mean they are tired and unable to talk to anyone. Don’t you have moments when you just cannot and do not want to talk to anyone?
It could mean they didn’t see the call and were busy with something else.
It could mean they saw it and want to get back to you when they can.
It could mean they are in the middle of something important.
The possibilities are limitless.
The same goes for when someone does not offer you help.
It could mean they didn’t understand how important it was for you. There was some miscommunication, and people cannot read minds. So, according to their perception, you were perfectly fine without help.
And I am sure I can think of more possible reasons and scenarios that have nothing to do with you or your assumption.
Challenging your assumptions will challenge the toxic beliefs that you have about yourself/others.
The more you challenge them, the weaker they become. The weaker they become, the less you will make dysfunctional assumptions or take things personally.
However, this is not always enough.
Sometimes, the belief is so strong that such questioning doesn’t affect it. Or, maybe the person did something really puzzling and “suspicious”.
By the way, people do crazy, puzzling things for their own reasons that have nothing to do with you. So, don’t always question yourself.
Anyways, in this case, you need to go further and clear those assumptions that you have.
Do not believe them, but also do not discard them. And go to the person and talk to them.
Tell them directly that you assumed something because of something they did. But the most important thing is that you should not attack or blame the other person. Do not tell them, “you do not care about me, and you are a bad friend.” Instead, make it about yourself and about the assumptions.
How?
Here is an example.
“I felt you were avoiding me when you did not answer my phone calls. That makes me feel like you don’t care. Maybe I am making things up and not thinking clearly, and that’s why I want to talk to you about this.”
See the difference?
Here is when it’s preferable to do this.
Do this when the person does more than one thing you considered harmful, suspicious, or toxic. Three times is the golden rule.
Generally, I use this rule when I dislike a certain behavior someone close to me does. But it can work when it comes to clearing assumptions as well.
Talk to the person, share your assumptions, and make it clear you want to understand so that you don’t assume.
This is another level of challenging assumptions and destroying your dark beliefs about yourself/others. And it’s the strongest assumptions-destroyer I know of.
To sum it up
- Become aware of the negative effects of assumptions on your relationships and mental health.
- Challenge those assumptions by reminding yourself of all the other possible scenarios and not just picking the worst one.
- Clear the assumptions with the other person in a non-blaming way where you address what they did, how it made you feel, and what you thought. Given that you do not blame them or attack them, most people will be happy explaining what happened. As a pro tip, do not overdo this (like, not every time someone doesn’t text you back you go and talk to them about it), and try to do with the very serious issues only.
…
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Andrik Langfield on Unsplash