I was recently taking a walk with a friend of mine. Both of us being single, our conversation turned to the topic of dating. My friend had been struggling with the idea of sticking her toe back into the pool, having been out of it for quite some time now. Her hesitancy, however, wasn’t solely due to her elongated respite but something much different. It made me think to myself how many other single, established, independent, self-sufficient, mature women were feeling the same?
My friend is very attractive. She makes a great living and owns her own home. She does not have children and has never been married. She is extremely comfortable being by herself and doing things alone. Not only comfortable, but in fact, she requires that alone-time to feel balanced and happy, and probably more than most. It is just a facet of her personality and I completely get it.
All that said, however, she truly would like to have a partner in her life to share time and experiences with. And of course, find the intimacy she is missing at present. What is holding her back though is two-fold. One,her requirement for space, and two, her adamance against ever living with someone. She just doesn’t want to do it. “Where is a dating relationship to go if you take those two realities into consideration?” she questioned.
“Everywhere,” I responded. I began to explain my answer.
The truth of the matter is, single, established, independent, self-sufficient, mature women have incredible options today when it comes to crafting the style of relationship that suits them. They can have it “their way” by choosing wisely and being honest with any potential partner they contemplate becoming seriously involved with. In my friend’s case, I recommended that she become clear in her thinking regarding what will work for her in a relationship and then be upfront about it when dating. For instance, if she never sees herself married and living with another, simply let those she is dating know that — placing everyone squarely and fairly on the same page. If she sees a long-term relationship with occasional sleepovers, say that outloud. If she requires more time than the average bear on her own, help possible suitors to understand that too. Communication is key.
Today, ‘one “right way” to have an intimate relationship’ no longer exists, especially at our later ages and stages. But many women who grew up in eras, households or even locations that never even considered thinking beyond convention remain unknowingly lodged in detrimental rationale and consequently lonely love lives. This may seem foreign to our more youthful counterparts, but it remains accurate. Taking for granted that modern thinking when it comes to dating has permeated every corner of our nation just because it has your world is a faulty assumption. Many women who have occupied seats at the table for longer than some of you have been born still acquiesce to the patriarchal rules of dating that have dominated society for all the years they’ve lived. It’s not so easy to switch gears despite being told it should be.
This is the reason, we, women, need to help each other change this thinking through healthy conversations that expand mature women’s apertures beyond their norms. Through stories such as the one I told my friend about a seventy-five year-old woman in my beach community who lives by herself yet has gleefully had a boyfriend for over twelve years now, women like my friend begin to understand that there is no wrong answer when it comes to crafting the perfect relationship for you. My seventy-five year-old neighbor had been married, divorced and then fell very much in love with living alone. Not wanting to return to coupledom in this regard, she chose a man that didn’t want to either and they’ve made it work…and work well. How is any of that wrong? It isn’t but we need share the news better with those that may not fathom the option.
I have to say that it is amazing how the lightbulb went on in my friend’s head during our conversation. It is like I opened up a whole new world for her, providing her with a perspective she would not have considered otherwise. She even got to the point where she realized that she didn’t have to be so resolute about any of it. There might even be a situation where she would change her mind, which may seem unimaginable now but absolutely could happen over time. There is just no foolproof way of predicting, given how one might change when involved in the right relationship. She agreed.
And there you have it…just another reason friendship can be so invaluable and loneliness, so darn detrimental. It is also the reason I recommend a “good walk and talk” especially in moments like these. It provides enjoyable time and space for discovery, discussion, and decision, leaving everyone the better for it — in this case, me and my friend.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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