This was me last week.
I slept like shit for a few nights in a row, was feeling congested since I caught a bit of whatever bug my kid brough back from camp, had been burning my wick at both ends with everything else AND had not been very self-aware around some energetic items that needed attending too.
All of this ended up with me waking up with a to-do list that needed attention, clients that needed support, kids asking for help on things, a dirty house and a bunch of other items that had been put on the back burner of life for a bit too long and me, myself saying “F” this shit!
I woke up with a nasty headache (which I never have unless my energy is wonky) and feeling very hormonal we will just say. I told myself that I would conquer this day even though I felt the way I felt.
But it was far from working for me….
I tried playing music while cleaning the house and wanted to pitch the speaker in the road and run it over.
So, I cleaned in silence.
I turned on my laptop to pay some bills and fill out some paperwork that was needed and ran into internet issues, loading issues, errors on websites and more.
So, I tried on my phone, and found that my phone that charged all night was almost dead.
In this moment, I took a breath, a long deep breath. I let a tear come from my eye and closed it all down. Closed the laptop. Plugged in the phone and walked away from it.
I knew that soul was leading me.
I knew that the universe had my back.
It was just uncomfortable right now.
But that there was a reason.
So, I made some tea and went and masturbated… lol, yes that’s my typical move in these moments and I suggest it to you as well. It’s all about coming back home into your body. It’s about reconnecting to the self and allowing yourself to feel, and that is what my intent was.
So, there I was a good thirty minutes into this self-pleasure session without the pleasure happening. My mind was racing from one thing to the next. When I touched on some sensitivity and feel good, my heart started to feel pain, and it then quickly shut down and my mind raced away again. I became so frustrated and disappointed in myself and stopped.
I found myself judging myself.
At one point I heard myself blaming myself for everything.
I looked at other people in my life and how they react and act, their feelings about things and perceptions and I took ownership for all the shit, theirs and mine. It was here in that moment that I decided that since it was obviously a day that nothing needed to happen that I needed to figure out what to do with my scheduled client appointments, because I felt unfit to hold space for them. It was not respectful or helping to bring to them this bag of shit where I could not be present, so I thought to myself, “What I need right now is for so and so and so and so to reschedule.”
Fast forward thirty minutes and both had rescheduled.
My need had been taken care off without me saying a peep to anyone. The universe/God heard me.
And I recognized it in the moment and gave thanks.
But still was not in a good vibrational point. As I looked around in frustration and a feeling of dread over what? — nothing but a feeling, I had the thought pop into my head that I might as well deal with some items that were triggering to me. Hey why not do a little exposure therapy for those triggers and fears?
With that, I sat there in my kitchen with my tea for the next almost four hours working through items that triggered old wounds and making notes on them. Allowing myself to feel fully some of the things and even dance with some new fears. Once deep enough into this shadowy work, I moved from sadness into anger, so I bounced up the frequency chart a few notches. I let myself fully feel my anger, my resentment, my bitterness and more.
Then all of a sudden, I heard a little thought come in that said jump onto your social media accounts now… thinking to myself, “Oh, I must be clearing this shit and there is a positive message for me on some social account,” I let myself be led to the first post that came up which was by someone I know and love deeply. As I read it, I found myself not elevated in the least, but instead crashing back into a pit of sadness, blame of self and even shame. I felt so misunderstood by life and everyone I know and have known. I felt isolated in this moment, there in my kitchen with my tea.
And I wept.
My chest hurt so intensely.
I was hopeless.
I looked up at my skylight, as if it was the light of God or heaven pouring down on me and asked, “Why? Why can no one see my heart, Lord? Why am I never enough? Why can I not get it right?”
All the old programs and wounding were there, rushing down my cheeks in the tears that carried them.
I felt like everything, and I mean everything that I have learned and worked on in the last three decades of life was pointless. I wanted to just throw the towel in on all my endeavors and work, my dreams and goals.
It was right here in this very moment of total give up that I got a rather strong nudge to walk out to my back patio and sit in our hanging swing. I laid back in the swing, the breeze danced across the patio and my flesh, the sunshine warmed me, the doves nested on my patio cooed at the cat that watched them from the patio couch. And I smiled.
I smiled a genuine smile of appreciation.
I could suddenly feel my breath again. And as I allowed the genuine appreciation of this ever so small a moment to penetrate my energy. Then something magical happened.
I could see more things in my life to be appreciative of. Before I knew it, I sat there in that swing with a realization of just how effing blessed I was. How blessed my life was. How I ask and am given all the time. Here I was on a workday, with the world around me doing jobs that they don’t enjoy, and I work with people I enjoy, from the comfort of my own space, on my own schedule. I get to create my most ideal situations. Here I was in my home that I love so much, with all of its comforts and everything taken care of.
I realized that I was blessed to have the space, the schedule, the control of my life and the support of Craig, to be able to work through all of these hiccups that I woke up with in my energy. I was blessed in having the space and ability to just set everything aside to get vibrationally aligned again.
That was amazing! Incredible.
So powerful.
From here, I realized that my perception was off. I quickly saw where it had been kicked down the wrong vibe path and my part in it. I saw how I was fighting myself, I was fearful of my vibration getting impacted by some recent events and in my fear, I supported that, that I was not wanting to manifest.
I was reminded by the words of Mother Theresa, “I was once asked why I don’t participate in anti-war demonstrations. I said that I will never do that, but as soon as you have a pro-peace rally, I’ll be there.”
Her words are so accurate. Aligned to the law of attraction. Have you ever seen something that we humans “war” against that becomes smaller or is won and healed? — No. What we war against expands, grows and gains more power. Think of the war on drugs. The war on crime. The war on sex offenders or sex trafficking. The war on disease. The war on hunger. The war on terror.
Are any of these things smaller than what they were when we chose to war against them?
The same is true for each of us in our own lives, hearts and minds.
When we go to war against our wounds, our fear, our triggers, our negative aspects we feed these demons, and they gain more power and force in our lives. I was guilty of being a creator and supporter of my own inner demons the other day. I handed over my power and good vibes to these demons and then sunk into darkness until there was no way, but up.
Here is the thing though, it was only one day. Not even a solid day. It was not weeks, months or years in this state of low vibe. I can tell you honestly that in my twenties, this “bad day” would have held me down and had its way with me for weeks or months and it would have lingered and breathed its putridness into years even. I would have fully bought the negative ideas of self and re-sold myself on them frequently. But I had zero knowledge of my personal power and thus personal responsibility in my life creation. I did what most do and look at my outside world and believe that my inner world was created by my outer world, where today I fully understand and see consistently how it is the direct opposite that is true.
Therefore, giving myself grace to just be down for a bit, allow myself the space to move how I needed, cry as I needed, get angry as I needed was powerful. It opened up the channel to see a small ask be answered quickly and that led me to hearing a nudge that shifted everything. Key here is I listened to the nudge. I turned it all over, I got to a point of letting go. I was done with my self-imposed suffering and knew that I had to let go and just sink if that’s what was to happen. I went to the outside swing in faith.
Today I ask you, where are you still not accepting your creation power?
Where are you still falling into the illusion that your outer world is more powerful than your inner world?
Where are you not listening to the nudges and guidance of soul/God/universe/guides/higher-self?
If you are in a point of life that you look around and things are not shifting, not manifesting the way that you want; if you wonder what else can you do to “make” it happen; or dance with your inner demons and beat yourself up for those feelings; then hear me now: those feelings are natural. They are your navigation system to your dream life. When you have a day like I shared here, it’s just saying that you are holding yourself back from being authentically you.
Once you realize this, truly realize this energetic, soul fact you will be able to shift it quicker and do so in grace and unconditional love of self.
You can go from the bottom of the vibrational chart to flying high in joy in just a few short moments, minutes, or hours. You don’t have to take up residency there in the pits of hell.
You get to choose.
You are powerful.
You are an expert manifester.
Drop in the comments your thoughts on all of this, love to hear from you and what this share has brought up for you.
As always loving you from here,
Feeling inspired by the powerful message in this article?
Ready to take the next step in manifesting your dreams with clarity and intention? If so, I’m here to support you every step of the way.
If you’re finding yourself resonating with the idea that so many people never get what they desire because they never declare what they truly want, then it’s time to shift that pattern in your life. It’s not enough to simply have a vague idea of what you want; you need to get crystal clear, detailed, and specific about your desires.
But don’t worry, you don’t have to navigate this journey alone. If you’re feeling called to dive deeper into the manifestation process and uncover the power of your own creation, I invite you to reach out for a free activation call with me. During this call, we’ll explore your desires, uncover any limiting beliefs or blocks that may be holding you back, and create a roadmap for manifesting your ideal life.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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