In dating and relationships, we’re often told to watch out for red flags. These are the warning signs we ignore only at our peril. Most notably, we identify them with the benefit of hindsight, cherry-picking our past relationships for signs that they weren’t really the One all along. Looking back, red flags are easy to see, and they become even easier to see in the present as we heal, grow, and mature.
But the term “red flags” can be misunderstood. They aren’t flaws in the other person — perpetual messiness, being in a suspiciously cheerful mood in the morning while around a night owl, snoring, an annoying habit, or any other basic human tendency. Red flags aren’t indications of poor character but of poor compatibility.
Too often, we equate raising a red flag with being a bad person, and it’s just not true. Everyone is worthy of love and belonging — that doesn’t mean that we should be the ones to give it to them. We all have red flags — our warning signs to others that we’re not a good match. It doesn’t say anything more about the person waving the flag than it does about the person identifying it except that these people are unlikely to be well-matched. Acknowledging this rather than ignoring it is maturity.
When I look back at my relationship history for red flags, I’m not passing a character judgment on my exes. I am identifying aspects of the relationship that didn’t work for me. In short, I had needs that weren’t being met within those relationships, and when I see those same signs in other interactions, I try my best to heed them so that I’m not repeating cycles.
There are a lot of red flags in the world, but some of the most common include being emotionally unavailable, exhibiting controlling behavior, being insecure, disrespecting boundaries, or even something as simple as the waiter rule (the way people treat those in the service industry). When we’re aware of red flags, we can do our best to address them directly or end the interaction altogether.
While it would be easy to draw conclusions about the character of those exhibiting red flag behaviors, it’s a more compassionate viewpoint to realize that we’re all growing and learning at our own pace. Over the last few years, I’ve learned to communicate more effectively, to create stronger boundaries, and to work through old trauma. When it comes to dating, I’m better matched with someone on a similar personal growth trajectory — or at least someone who is capable of a healthy, securely attached, interdependent relationship.
I’m less focused on red flags in character traits and more interested in red flags in my own behavior. When I begin making excuses for someone’s behavior within the context of a relationship, it raises a red flag for me. When I notice a partner isn’t investing the same level of energy that I’m investing in the relationship, it raises a red flag. I’m watching for my own patterns, which often means paying attention to a partner’s. This is far different from blame. This is personal accountability.
It’s easier to deflect and put our energy into identifying what is wrong with others, but it’s far more useful to identify why the match isn’t a good one and what might be better. This isn’t about finding flaws. It’s about being available for the right relationship rather than settling for the wrong one. When we take responsibility for our own patterns, we change the quality of our interactions.
I’m well aware that I likely raise red flags for others. I know that I’m not for everyone. I’m not trying to be either. I’m for the right person, and I’d rather know if someone is not that person for me. If that means something about me or my life raises red flags for them, I accept that and know it has nothing to do with my worthiness and everything to do with compatibility.
Red flags, like narcissism, are often used as a way to malign an ex or to talk trash about someone on a dating app. But red flags are just warning signs of incompatibility. While in some cases it can be a warning sign of a potential abuser, it is often simply an indication that someone may not be right for us — even if we hoped that they were.
In order to be personally accountable for my growth, I do spend time looking back at past relationships and noting the warning signs. I also look for those red flags in current online dating interactions. I no longer allow myself to make excuses, assuming good intentions where there might not be any. I clarify instead. I don’t have any tolerance left for relationships where my energy is unmatched; I would much rather un-match the individual than continue putting in the effort where it is unreturned.
Paying attention to red flags in others and even in my own behavioral patterns is both self-loving and kind. I’m not wasting anyone’s time by partnering where I know it’s not a good fit, and I’m not wasting my own time in relationships where my needs aren’t being met. I’m paying attention. With every red flag I uncover, I’m not placing blame or uncovering flaws. I am breaking cycles and creating opportunities for love and connection.
When we realize that red flags are about compatibility rather than character, we reach a new level of growth. We can be kind when we realize someone isn’t a good fit, and we don’t have to take it personally when someone discovers this about us. We can recognize that the right match won’t look at us and see red flags. They’ll see us as we are and love us just the same.
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Previously Published on medium
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Photo credit: by Stephany Lorena on Unsplash