Did you ever call someone out on their bad behavior and end up apologizing to them? Sometimes they don’t get you that far, but at the end of the interaction you find yourself saying “Why couldn’t they just apologize and not do it anymore?”
Here’s an example from my own life.
I was talking with a woman I met on Tinder when she asked me to send her a selfie.
“I might do that later, but I’m actually in the middle of cleaning right now,” I said.
“Well I’m getting off the phone,” she said. “I’m gonna be at work. Just send it to me when you can.”
“We’ll see… Have a good night.”
Not half an hour later she texts me:
“How about that selfie?”
“Hey! I’m still cleaning. My house is a mess, I’m a mess. I really don’t want to send you a selfie right now. Maybe later?”
“That’s the dumbest excuse I ever heard.”
First mistake: sending her a cute picture of a kitten that says “Don’t be salty.” I should never have texted her back at all.
“Maybe tomorrow,” I say. “Actually… I know you’re a nurse. The last time I sent a picture to a friend of mine who was a nurse, she showed it to all of her friends and one of them kind of stalked me. I just don’t feel like taking a selfie right now.”
“That’s an even dumber excuse!”
Bullying. Insult. Demanding. Pressuring. All in so few words! The best time to leave was after the first time this happened. The second best time to leave was right then.
“Now I’m getting weirded out! Your picture is on your tinder profile, so what’s the big deal? It’s just a selfie. What’s your problem?”
Oh so the problem is mine now? Let’s reframe:
I’m a free human being. You asked me to do something. I gently declined. You asked me again. I said no. Now that I’m having to say no a third time because you didn’t take the time to take note of my boundaries. You’re punishing me by insulting me. Beyond that, you’re trying to tell me how to think and where my boundaries should be. That wasn’t enough though! You have to tell me that something is seriously wrong with me.
Why did I even bother to try to make light of the situation? Well, because I always enjoy a good laugh. Right at this point though, it became really clear that the closer I got to this person, the more abuse I was going to see. I didn’t even know her and she couldn’t accept a gentle no. Imagine if we were together for a year? What then?
“I drank my liver to death now I need you to give me yours!”
“I umm… need my liver? Can we just work on keeping yours alive?”
“Stop being such a softy and get to work!” she says, before handing me a steak knife.
That’s where a malignant narcissist will take you! The good news is: you can see this kind of behavior coming a mile away. I’m glad I did. So watch for it, man. It’s called blameshifting.
Blameshifting is a reflection of someone’s inability to do four things:
1) Control their behavior
2) Accept your boundaries
3) Accept responsibility for the results of their actions
and most importantly:
4) Change
Life is change. Don’t let someone who can’t change their actions change who you are so that they can go on carelessly harming you and others. Watch out for blameshifting.
Fortunately there’s a proven psychological process, often used by actual Jedi Masters for turning someone’s blameshifting to your advantage. There are three steps to it:
1) Walk away
2) Walk away
The third one’s tricky:
3) Walk away
As long as you’re engaged in an argument about where your boundaries should be, you’re losing. You’re not losing the battle they think you’re in, but your precious time and energy. Don’t waste any more fighting for what’s already yours. Walk on away from all that nonsense and right back to taking care of business.
Take care of yourself!
Peace be with you! Stay up!
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You may also like by Michael Jones:
Smokescreens
Zeal
Gaslighting: How Narcissists Manipulate Your Thoughts
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