I turn 40 in three and a half months. By definition, I’m pretty much getting into that “middle-aged” category. At some point, I turned into the adult in the room. I didn’t notice it either, and it scares me just as much as it does you, trust me. Somehow, at a weird and unclear point in the past decade, people began to identify me as the de-facto elder statesman, the one to go to when they needed advice based upon my life experiences. I can assure you; this doesn’t make me any more comfortable than it does you.
I spend a fair amount of time answering questions and dispensing advice based on the four decades of growth and mistakes I’ve made. You know what I never get asked about? Dating. Nobody. Ever. Asks. The. Old. White. Dude. That. Can’t. Dance.
Want to know why? Because I never had to do it.
Being a woman is harder than being a man. Of that, I have no doubt.
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And you know what? Now that I am doing it, I hate it.
It’s not that I don’t enjoy the company of the women who have graced me with their presence. I’m much more comfortable around women than I am men. At this stage of my life, I require authenticity in any relationship I have. Authenticity means having feelings without shame and allowing them to happen without defaulting to anger. Women have the benefit of being allowed to feel. Society expects that women will be emotional, will cry and laugh and live. In most cases, women can hold an intellectually stimulating conversation that includes emotion where men can not or will not.
Being a woman is harder than being a man. Of that, I have no doubt. But women are allowed to develop the skills to cope with and manage emotions. It is a rare gift and advantage that society has granted them.
Men, to our detriment, are conditioned socially to squelch our feelings and display stoicism at all cost, anger as a fail safe, and sadness or despair only in the comfort of our own heads. When faced with the potential for possible vulnerability, we deflect, joke and deny. We will typically do almost anything to avoid confronting the emotions we’ve so carefully locked into the darkest recesses of our soul.
Unfortunately, men have ruined on-line dating for both sexes. Many are boorish, vulgar and openly abusive. They’re happy to treat dating as an opportunity to grab as many pussies as they can, with or without consent. On more than one occasion I’ve reached out to a woman and found myself apologizing for bothering her.
We still, despite all of the progress we’ve made, treat sex and sex education as dirty things to be hidden and performed with the lights out and our clothes on.
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Right now, my profile even includes a section that acknowledges the poor behavior of men like me and provides my last name and an invitation to use Google to research me. It’s not that I’m squeaky clean. Far from it as a matter of fact. It’s that I generally don’t have to worry about my next date being a serial killer, rapist, sociopath or abuser. I don’t date with the fear of my safety at the forefront of my mind. And that, too, is part of a larger problem.
I hear negative press about our supposed “hook-up culture” and how it has ruined dating for Millennials and Gen X’ers alike. I think part of that is our puritanical view of sex here in the United States. We still, despite all of the progress we’ve made, treat sex and sex education as dirty things to be hidden and performed with the lights out and our clothes on.
Contributing as well is the patriarchal and hyper-masculine cultural expectations of men and women. Sex is expected. Men are expected to want it and women are expected to give it. Those weighty expectations add an element to dating that isn’t always healthy. Consciously or subconsciously, plenty of men expect to get laid on the first date and act like an entitled toddler if it doesn’t happen. Women, on the other hand, are conditioned to be on guard always lest they be labeled as a slut.
Guys, that also means don’t be a zit on the butt cheek of humanity.
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I’ve been trying to approach dating differently. I value the connection and the relationship, short-lived though it may be. I’m just as happy gaining a friend or an evening of companionship as almost anything else. Going into a date expecting nothing more than a few laughs and a meal allows me the freedom to be myself and to choose to be authentic.
Sometimes my authentic self isn’t at all what a woman is looking for, and sometimes she’s not what I’m out shopping for. Owning that and being honest about it is the key. Communicate with people. Talk to them. Express your feelings and don’t apologize for having them. Guys, that also means don’t be a zit on the ass cheek of humanity. Expressing your feelings still requires respect for the other person.
That means I’m not looking for sex though, right? Yeah … no. Not even close. No. Are you kidding? Turns out I kinda like sex. A funny thing happened on my way to becoming a dating and relationship expert. I realized women like sex too. And it can happen on the first date. And that’s OK.
Sex is fun. It feels good. It’s OK to be kinky and sexually aware of your partner. Sex on the first date happens. Sometimes we get drunk and make lousy decisions. Sometimes we’re sober and make lousy decisions. And sometimes we’re drunk or sober, and the decision is just fine. Either way, this “walk of shame” bullshit needs to stop. Fucking is Fun.
There’s no such thing as consensual sex. It’s just sex. Anything else is rape, and it doesn’t matter what lens you try for a new perspective.
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Let’s get this out of the way though peeps. It’s not OK to send unsolicited dick pics. It’s not OK to sexually assault your partner, and it’s not OK to cajole your partner into sex he or she doesn’t want. And revenge porn? No. That’s not OK either. There’s no such thing as consensual sex. It’s just sex. Anything else is rape, and it doesn’t matter what lens you try for a new perspective. For the ladies and gents in the back not paying attention, IT IS NOT OK TO FORCE YOURSELF LITERALLY, EMOTIONALLY OR METAPHYSICALLY ON ANOTHER PERSON. Or Animal, but really, do I have to make that part clear?
Dating is tricky. And maybe we’ve forgotten what part of it to value. Our culture, while viewing sex in puritanical ways, has itself become hyper-sexualized. Kids are learning about the birds and the bees from Pornhub. College campuses are havens for sexual assault, and there is little effort to curb the abuse.
But maybe, just maybe, a mix of the old and new is the right way to go. Be open to the sex but don’t pursue it. Look for the connection but don’t force it. Vulnerability, authenticity, and communication can pave the way for great things. Perhaps it’s a friendship you didn’t realize you needed. Maybe it’s finding comfort for a night that helps you get through another week. If you’re really lucky, it’s connecting with a soul that makes you a little more whole.
Nobody is asking you to settle for something less than you want or deserve. I’m not saying you shouldn’t sample every flavor at the ice cream bar either. I’m just saying to enjoy the moment, the connection and the experience.
But what the hell do I know? I’m too old for this shit.
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