Transcript provided by YouTube (unedited)
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as she put it in her email she can hear
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him having sex
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in the Next Room
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while she’s trying to get over him
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[Music]
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we have an email gang
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[Music]
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this email has sailed its way
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across the globe a very special missive
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because if you remember a couple of
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weeks ago I said where do we get our
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least listeners and I pinpointed this is
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a piece of a piece of data everyone’s
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looking for when they’re trying to build
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a podcast they’re very useful and we
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looked at you know some of the smaller
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countries where they come from we found
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that there was one month where we had
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one listener from the Democratic
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Republic of Congo and lo and behold that
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one listener has emailed in Matthew well
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can I just say if we are gonna have a
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listener from the Democratic Republic of
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Congo I’m at least glad that they are a
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loyal listener
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not a one-time listener because we I’ll
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I’ll be honest Steve we can’t afford to
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lose a listener in the Congo not not at
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this rate well it depends on how they
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you what what the email says okay yes it
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could be okay is it a good email it
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could be I am so done with this podcast
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um let’s uh well subject line it says Dr
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Congo listener it’s me
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hey Matthew I laughed out loud the day
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the other day catching up on old
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episodes and hearing you all speculate
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about a tour in Congo based on your one
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subscriber as your audience of one here
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I can promise that 100 of your fans so
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far would be in attendance love it I
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start
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I started listening after a very sudden
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breakup some months ago with someone I
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had a passionate and fast-moving
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relationship with one day I was the man
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of her life and the next day when I had
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to travel some weeks for work something
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didn’t click he’s quoting it her words
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and it was over
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I’ve since moved back to Europe and
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she’s still in Congo we’re both nomadic
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humanitarian Aid workers and building a
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stable relationship in our line of work
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is very challenging I was ready to build
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our Castle to use Matt’s metaphor but
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she left the job site with a short text
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message to pursue an ex-boyfriend
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halfway across the world
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I went no contact but she resurfaces
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again and again with offers of
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friendship whenever I come back for work
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trips here in the Congo
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although I’ve communicated several times
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I can’t be her friend and she should
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only reach out if something changes for
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her she still keeps tabs on me anyway
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I’m back in Congo now and listening to
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love life in the gym today after she
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resurfaced again last week to ask for a
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drink while also communicating that a
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future for us will never be in the cards
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another day trying to learn your biggest
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lesson if she didn’t choose me despite
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the incredible chemistry that makes her
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the wrong person if you have a couple of
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words of encouragement I would be
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grateful love you all keep up the
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incredible work and that’s from loik I
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love it and I was gonna say loik at one
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point you said you moved to Europe and I
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was terrified that our one listener in
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the Congo was actually no longer in the
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Congo
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but it’s okay he’s back in the corner
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good to hear you’re back well
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I’m sorry I’m sorry that you’re going
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through that and when you look it’s what
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it’s hard enough to to try to move on
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from somebody when we are grieving the
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relationship and the loss of that person
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in our lives but it’s it can feel near
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impossible when that person doesn’t
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actually make it easy for us to move on
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now I was going to say when that person
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doesn’t let us move on but that would
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have been a trap and it’s a trap a lot
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of people fall into is this idea that
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someone isn’t letting me move on
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we choose to move on
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we can we must never ever give that
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power to somebody else
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and there will be situations in life
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where it is extraordinarily difficult to
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move on because of the situation we’re
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in I’ll give you an example loik do you
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want to do you want to hear one that’s
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harder than what you’re dealing with
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right now in terms of someone having
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someone not not making it easy for them
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to move on we had an email
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from someone who is in college
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who
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was seeing a guy really liked him they
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were hitting it off hooking up seeing
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each other regularly
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and at a certain point he she was
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monogamous with him that he was no
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longer monogamous with her and had
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started saying basically I want to be
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able to do my thing and so she continued
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to kind of see him while he was going
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out and having like one-night stands and
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it would make her deeply unhappy and
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eventually she said I can’t do this
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anymore
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you know we have to stop this because
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this is just making me feel awful
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well that was fine except they along
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with a couple of other housemates had
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signed a lease
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on a place
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for a year
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and so he was not only living with her
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but his wall was the adjoining wall to
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hers
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and as she put it in her email she can
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hear him having sex
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in the Next Room
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while she’s trying to get over him there
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are situations in life
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that make it
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extraordinarily difficult
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to move on
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and one would argue that that one is up
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there aside from the fact that let’s
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even look on the bright side of that you
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weren’t married to him for 10 years it’s
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a kind of college romance So to that
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extent I’m not minimizing the pain of it
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but there’s a there’s a much worse
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situation you could have found yourself
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in
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that being said very very very very very
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difficult but even in that situation
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you cannot delegate to somebody else the
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responsibility of
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helping you to move on or letting you
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move on you can’t give that power to
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another person even in that situation at
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college
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you could say my mental health is more
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important than staying in this house so
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I’m going to make it my number one
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mission to find someone I can sublet my
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room to
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and I’m going to do that you could say I
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am going to beg one of my other
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housemates to swap rooms with me and
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even offer to pay a bit more just so
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that I can be in a different room in
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this place because I cannot be in the
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adjoining room with this person or
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you throw on every time things start to
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get hot and heavy in that uh adjacent
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bedroom you throw on Rick Astley and you
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Rick roll them on repeat blaring you
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leave the house and you just you ruin
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their mood that’s not bad I mean also a
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possibility
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get creative that Rickroll you ever
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heard I don’t know Rick Ross are still
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doing this yeah but it was like you know
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the thing to do about five years ago was
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to just oh open up this link somebody
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sent over a great song but it wasn’t a
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great song it was Rick Astley wait how
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does the song go Steve never gonna give
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that one yeah yeah Never Gonna Give You
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Up
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can’t believe Audrey’s never been Rick
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Rolled well I think it’s a good song
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that’s probably why you’ve never been
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Rick Rolled is it wouldn’t work on you I
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am a song God popular people you know
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like I I remember I can’t remember the
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name of the person that sent in that
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email
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about living in the next the room next
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door but
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you you really you have options we tell
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ourselves like I’m stuck in this
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situation but there’s always options and
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there’s always ways and by the way you
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could also if let’s say for whatever
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reason she absolutely cannot leave this
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room and in the email she didn’t say
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that she said I really love this room
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right like I really don’t want to move
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room I really like my room I’ve got it
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set up the way I want it and so on
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um even if you could not leave that room
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then you can still say to us you can you
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can tell yourself a different story
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like hey I don’t have to unlike other
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people who are going are they off
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thinking about me could something still
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happen who knows you can you don’t have
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that problem
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you can be like I they’re literally with
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someone in the Next Room I am going to
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move on with my life I am I am not this
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what could be more of a visceral
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in my face representation of the fact
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that this is the wrong person for me
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then I can hear them in the Next Room
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with somebody else this you could argue
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that one thing it gives you is you are
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robbed of the fantasy of the fact that
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it it might still be something or that
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this person is is Mo is this incredible
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person that you’ve made them out to be
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so
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and in the case of loic in Congo
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I would say you don’t have someone in
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the next door room you’re allowing
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someone to reach out to you because you
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either still have them on your social
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media or because you haven’t told them
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hey no
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stop texting me I am moving on and
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you’ve made it quite clear that you want
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me to move on so that’s exactly what I’m
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going to do
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and I I don’t want you to be texting me
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anymore
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that’s how to stop someone and if you’re
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not saying that then you have to ask
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yourself loik why am I still holding on
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because that’s a that’s a version of
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Still Holding On
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is not telling someone that because
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you’re hoping that it might lead
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somewhere your job is to take ownership
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of your own breakup and you’re moving on
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and you do that by setting boundaries
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now in the wake of the breakup
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as I said I’m sorry you’re going through
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this
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um
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but the sooner you actually break ties
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with this person the sooner you can move
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on and find something else that is going
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to make this less and less relevant in
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your life
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before you go I have a free video for
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you to watch over at
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moveonstrong.com if you right now keep
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obsessing over somebody that you are
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struggling to get over maybe because
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part of you wants them back but you also
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kind of know that might be a terrible
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idea but also part of you wants to move
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on but you don’t know how because you
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don’t feel strong enough
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go watch this video I promise you it’s
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going to help the link is
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moveonstrong.com and it’s free I’ll see
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you there
—
This post was previously published on YouTube.
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