No matter how successful some men become they still often find themselves stuck feeling like a failure. It’s hard to wrap your head around if you haven’t been there. We’ve all heard the celebrity stories of low self-esteem and we have a hard time feeling sorry for that person. But it’s weird how easy it can be to look at ourselves and feel dissatisfied. Or worse.
How do you manage this if it’s a pattern of yours? Do you have a re-startup plan? Do you wait for it to pass while you indulge in addictive behaviors or just stay in bed?
In this post, we’re going to try to get underneath this feeling. Even though I know it’s a different story for everyone, we’ll explore some common threads and find new ways to approach whatever you’ve been doing that hasn’t been working.
Self-Judgment & Self-Sabotage
An understandable impulse for yourself or someone else who is feeling like a failure is to counteract it with facts.
- You’re married to a great woman
- You have a good paying job
- Your children are healthy
This is where people mix up gratitude lists with positive thinking.
When you’re in this rut of feeling like a failure you’re usually not helped by hearing about the awesome things you should be happy about, because that “should be happy about” is one more thing keeping you down because it’s all self-judgment. “How dare you feel so down—you have these great things and now you should be punished because you’re ungrateful!”
What else is causing you to see beyond all the good in your life and focusing on this idea of yourself as a failure?
Getting stuck in the “Imposter Syndrome” could be one place. Many of us go through life with a cloud of anxiety just waiting for someone to pop up and say, “I knew it! You were faking the whole time!” We feel like at any moment we’ll be caught out. Maybe it’ll be tomorrow’s presentation. Perhaps it’s when the next client falls through.
This comes up in relationships as well. Men who just can’t believe that their partner is going to stay so they begin to screw things up. They find fault in the other person or start treating them in a way that causes the partner to argue a lot or even end the relationship. And then they get blamed for doing that while you remain the victim. Until it all starts up again, possibly with someone new.
When we don’t think we’re worthy of success we’ll do anything to not have it, even when it’s handed to us.
Deadly Comparison or Inspiration?
One thing that is a sure-fire way to keep you feeling like a failure is a comparison.
I don’t want to get this too mixed up with competition, but there is some overlap. If you’re in a good place, competition can be great. It can even be a motivator factor for you. But if you’re already feeling down, it’s going to bring you down further. Seeing someone else’s success is going to make it difficult for you to dig down and do better—or even feel good and content about what you already have.
Because you want to get back into the place where you can enjoy what you have. The part of you that can see something someone else is doing and feel inspired by it.
I’m talking a matter of a mood shift. What’s getting in the way and how do you climb out of it?
Tips to Shift Your Mood & Stop Feeling Like a Failure
- Get Out of Your Head: Sometimes it’s a matter of allowing time to pass. Maybe you need a break. Take a walk, talk to a friend, journal, even watch a few episodes of your favorite show. Whatever you need to stop you from thinking in the same direction because you’re probably headed down a long, endless rabbit hole.
- Stop the Argument: Look into who it is you’re trying to impress. A parent, a colleague, a brother, your overly competitive friend, whoever—locate the competition you’re actually in. Then you can decide whether to remain in it (and it’s usually a losing one, to be honest) or to let it go. Yeah, sometimes it’s that easy—depending on the long-standing-ness of this argument.
- Feel It: Here’s the deal: “feeling like a failure” isn’t actually a feeling. What is it you’re feeling? Maybe it’s anger that you’re in this same place again. Maybe it’s hopelessness for the same reason. Maybe you’re sad or, you’re scared it’ll never happen. Whatever, I always encourage guys to get out of the “head” part of this because that’s where we get stuck. We get stuck on figuring out the “problem” because that’s what we’ve been told we’re good at since, well, since we got here. The next step is the uncomfortable one, though. Next, you feel that feeling. Not all the stuff we pile on top of the feeling to not feel vulnerable, scared, sad, whatever. It’s not going to last because feelings don’t work like that. It’s not about avoiding the feeling so you don’t get stuck in it. You get stuck when you don’t allow yourself to feel it. Then it comes out in stomach or headaches, high blood pressure, or general irritability. And we’re back down the rabbit hole.
Feeling like a failure doesn’t do you any good. It zaps away the energy that it takes to motivate you to do better or to see the great stuff that’s already happened. If you’re struggling with this and can’t seem to escape the pattern please don’t hesitate to contact me and we’ll set up a free 15-minute phone consultation to see what you need to get out of that rut.
—
Originally published on Park Slope Therapist
—
◊♦◊
Here are more ways to become a part of The Good Men Project community:
Request to join our private Facebook Group for Writers—it’s like our virtual newsroom where you connect with editors and other writers about issues and ideas.
Click here to become a Premium Member of The Good Men Project Community. Have access to these benefits:
- Get access to an exclusive “Members Only” Group on Facebook
- Join our Social Interest Groups—weekly calls about topics of interest in today’s world
- View the website with no ads
- Get free access to classes, workshops, and exclusive events
- Be invited to an exclusive weekly “Call with the Publisher” with other Premium Members
- Commenting badge.
Are you stuck on what to write? Sign up for our Writing Prompts emails, you’ll get ideas directly from our editors every Monday and Thursday. If you already have a final draft, then click below to send your post through our submission system.
If you are already working with an editor at GMP, please be sure to name that person. If you are not currently working with a GMP editor, one will be assigned to you.
◊♦◊
Are you a first-time contributor to The Good Men Project? Submit here:
◊♦◊
Have you contributed before and have a Submittable account? Use our Quick Submit link here:
◊♦◊
Do you have previously published work that you would like to syndicate on The Good Men Project? Click here:
Join our exclusive weekly “Call with the Publisher” — where community members are encouraged to discuss the issues of the week, get story ideas, meet other members and get known for their ideas? To get the call-in information, either join as a member or wait until you get a post published with us. Here are some examples of what we talk about on the calls.
Want to learn practical skills about how to be a better Writer, Editor or Platform Builder? Want to be a Rising Star in Media? Want to learn how to Create Social Change? We have classes in all of those areas.
While you’re at it, get connected with our social media:
- To join our Facebook Page, go here.
- To sign up for our email newsletter, go here.
- To follow The Good Men Project on Twitter, go here.
◊♦◊
However, you engage with The Good Men Project—you can help lead this conversation about the changing roles of men in the 21st century. Join us!
◊♦◊
We have pioneered the largest worldwide conversation about what it means to be a good man in the 21st century. Your support of our work is inspiring and invaluable.
—
Photo credit: Shutterstock ID 516692584
You’re married to a great woman
You have a good paying job
Your children are healthy
Ok, and what about guys like me? Middle aged, no wife, no kids, no house, no “good paying job”. A measurable failure. How about guys like that?