When I go back through my dating history
Reflecting on all the relationships that didn’t work out
I’m not shocked to realize “yep, the signs were definitely there”
The partners who would say one thing but do something completely different
Disappear with no explanation and then come back
Or best yet
Claim to be unavailable for commitment
Then a few months later be in a committed relationship with someone new (my favorite)
So, to prevent any of these things from happening to you
What’s the # 1 thing you should be screening for on a date?
When meeting someone new?
Who you’ll invest your time, energy, and attention into?
Ask yourself:
“Can I trust this person?”
“What can I trust this person in?”
“Have they shown me anything that would lead me to believe they’re untrustworthy?”
Don’t wait for the evidence
When I started moving through my dating life with this single thing in mind
Everything shifted.
I was dating someone right before my current partner.
And by many standards he was great –
A good sense of humor, accomplished.
We were both entrepreneurs busy with our businesses and looking for a serious relationship.
Our first date went well but on our second date he got a call from someone and immediately declined it.
Yelling out “oops! sorry!” and had the oddest energy afterwards.
It didn’t take me long to figure out that whoever called, he didn’t want me to know about.
A girlfriend, another woman, I’ll never know.
Any of which he would have been perfectly entitled to but his weird energy tipped me off.
Shortly after that he canceled weekend plans last minute and piecing it all together I decided –
I’m not sure this person is the most trustworthy.
There is something that would give me reason to believe otherwise and I’m not going to stick around for the rest of the evidence to reveal itself.
Piece together the clues
After that short-lived connection ended I met my current partner who I held to the same standard to.
Can I trust this person?
What kinds of things can I trust this person in?
Firstly, he was a great communicator.
He made that part really easy.
He was consistent.
If he needed a day or two to get back to my messages, he’d let me know.
Little by little he was keeping his word and respecting my time.
In some of our earliest messages he shared that he left a career he didn’t like and took the leap to pursue something else.
While that’s not an incredibly uncommon thing: a career pivot –
It is also a wonderful indicator of trust.
Giving up a successful career to do something you really love showed me that he followed his own truth above all else.
It showed me that he took risks in life.
And it showed me that he cared about being fully aligned and authentic in his life and work.
All huge green flags in my book.
Piecing that together it led me to believe, I could probably trust this man.
I could trust him to tell me the truth, if he’s living his life based on truth.
I could trust him to stay connected in tough conversations, since he’s comfortable taking risks.
I could trust him to end the relationship if it wasn’t working for him, instead of wasting my time.
Sometimes we have to piece together the clues that people leave us to decide if they’re trustworthy.
Be a trustworthy person, too
I hope it’s not earth shattering news to you when I say:
All people are a reflection of us.
Who we’re being = who we attract.
When I was insecure, couldn’t communicate, and didn’t know how to get my needs met without punishing and manipulation you better bet the only people I was surrounded by were toxic.
Bettering myself and starting a healing journey significantly improved the quality of people in my life, 10 fold.
So if you want to be in a relationship with someone you feel like you can trust, you have to ask yourself:
Am I trustworthy?
What can I trust myself in?
And without going into shame, course correct as needed.
Do you follow through on what you say you’re going to do? (plans with friends, personal practices, routines?)
For years my life was a giant lie. I said I cared about my body but would party on the weekends and try and make it up by going to acupuncture.
I worked a job that I hated but kept faking it and pretending I was happy.
What I was portraying was not how I actually felt.
So being in a relationship with me was disorienting and confusing.
You couldn’t trust me to act or speak with integrity.
And my relationships never got anywhere and I was always disappointed by love.
If you don’t like the quality of people you’re meeting:
Do a self-audit first.
What would it look like to finally start that routine you’ve been promising yourself you would?
What would it look like to start a job search for a position you’re more passionate about?
What would it look like to tell someone the truth about how you feel?
The more and more you start to do these things, the more and more trustworthy you become.
…
You’ll start to respect your time and energy more and others will, too.
The # 1 thing you should be screening for on a date is trust.
Nothing can be built without trust.
Without trust, the foundation of a relationship cannot last.
Listen with a fine tooth comb to what the person in front of you is saying and how they’re acting.
Be willing to walk away if they’ve shown evidence of being untrustworthy.
A gut feeling is enough! You don’t have to stick around for the evidence (seriously, I did plenty of that and it never worked out)
Check-in where you’re falling short too.
Where could someone else judge you for a lack of trustworthiness, too?
Fill in those gaps and no doubt, you’ll meet someone worthy of your trust in return.
Thanks for reading! Molly is dating and relationship coach for high-achieving, single women in their 30s. Attend her next masterclass here.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Jonathan Borba on Unsplash