This is a little unusual, but I’d like to take you behind the scenes of a coaching session. And we’re going to be working with a client that I know very well.
Good Men Project, meet Ryan.
Don’t look at me like that. The most important client that any coach will ever have is the man in the mirror. Now we’re not going to go through the entire coaching conversation, but we are going to hit a few key points.
My words will be in bold.
“Ryan’s words will be in quotation marks.”
Ryan showed up to the call tight and not very present. Kind of out of character.
What’s the coaching request?
“You’re probably gonna hate me after this call.”
I’ve cleaned up some of the transcript to make it an easier read.
“I was so present just a little while ago. I was feeling good. And you know I’ve been working with Potential on this idea that I have had. She said she was going to get me something last night and she never did. I emailed her and called her out. Oh, she said ‘I’ve been seeing this new dude and he came over last night. You’ll get it today.’”
“I mean, I feel like I’m such a child. I’m 40 years old and I’m going through this. What the hell, man?!”
When Ryan gets upset, he closes off and beats himself up.
He’s been friends with Potential for about a year and a half. His feelings have built and grown over the months. He saw this coming, but he’s defiant.
Who are you angry at?
“I feel like such a tool, man. I feel like such a damn idiot. Because I thought I had better control over this. I thought I had better distance over this. But no! I could have seen this coming!”
Are you pissed at yourself, or are you pissed at Potential?
Okay, I’ve got him. It’s obvious to me that he’s infuriated at Potential.
Let’s step back from this conversation. I’ve been working with Ryan for a long time. And one of the things he’s scared most of is showing strong emotion. He’s terrified to open his heart to someone he loves. And he cares a great deal for Potential. But when you open your heart to someone, you open yourself up for possible heartbreak.
And it’s clear he’s heartbroken this morning.
“Yeah, I could have seen this coming. And I knew it was gonna piss me off.”
The context I’m hearing is this. He’s hurting. He’s offended. He’s angry. But he’s also defiant. And one of his chief stories has been the idea that he’s unlovable and that a woman of Potential’s…potential could never love him.
What’s crazy to me is that he’s opened himself up to some amazing people in his life. He’s opened himself up to love. He’s opened himself up for partnership. And he’s opened himself up for trying.
The chief thing I see in Ryan is that he’s attached to how things look. He wants Potential, and he wants it exactly how he sees it.
Ryan, tell me how this lands for you. How does this affect how your life goes – Potential notwithstanding. Does it affect your practice? Your fitness? Your writing? How does it affect your life?
One of my client’s tells is that he’ll lean way back in his chair and he’ll put his arms behind his head. That’s one of the beauty parts of doing these calls on video. I can read him like a book.
“I want the results. I want it to look a certain way. And if it doesn’t look that way, I’d have to see myself as a failure. I’d have to see myself as a loser.”
Pause: do you see it? Do you see the story?
- Results must show up a particular way. (attachment to results)
- If it doesn’t look that way, it’s a failure. (win/fail)
- “I’d have to see myself as a loser. (he’s a loser)
Talk about a trap. Talk about the ultimate damned if you do, damned if you don’t even try. If any of those things don’t happen in the exact order they happen, you’re screwed.
I’m about to throw down an idea that might seem simplistic to some, but it’s the basis of turning Royal declarations into Royal results.
In other words – turning Potential into results. And I mean Potential and potential.
I’d love to offer you a story, if you’re open to it.
Here’s a story about one of my best friends for more than ten years.
My friend has had a spotty record with men over the years. She’s on her fifth husband.
She was dating a man around the Holidays around ten years ago. My friend thought she had a future with this man. She had deep feelings for him.
They agreed to exchange gifts. She put a lot of time, energy, and not an insignificant amount of money into his gift.
He got her a gift certificate to the mall. It landed to her almost as if he was checking off boxes on a list.
Offended but defiant, she took that gift card to the mall and bought a crown – a crown charm. She wore that crown for the next two months with the attitude of “I’m a queen and I’m sick and tired of being disrespected.”
In early February, she met the man who became her husband. And they’ve been happily married for more than ten years. And knowing Renee as well as I do, she and Dale aren’t going anywhere any time soon.
What do hear there?
“Oh man…what don’t I hear? She made a declaration that she wasn’t going to be disrespected anymore. She was a queen and she didn’t let anyone tell her otherwise. She met her king.”
Here’s the idea of “be, do, have” in action.
- Be: she knew her worth and she knew she deserved a high caliber partner.
- Do: she used that charm as a symbol of what and who she wanted to create in her life.
- Have: she has the king she so deserves.
My point is that it’s all a state of being.
I’ve got a practice idea for you. I’m going to send you an Amazon link. It’s a little crown keychain. Order it and use it.
What do you see for yourself in that?
As I’m explaining this to Ryan, he wipes a tear from his eye. I can tell that got him.
“I’m a king. I’m a…I’m a king. And I deserve a queen.”
Can we check back in a few months?
Again, this is just a taste of what our relationship would be. If you’d like to empower a relationship with a coach to set your world ablaze, reach out to me. Just email me at [email protected] to set up a sample coaching session.
And now we come to my favorite part of any coaching call.
Who can I acknowledge you for being?
“Man…power and grace.”
My friend, when you lean into your power you are unstoppable. And your power isn’t big and grandiose. Your power is like a gentle rising tide. It’s not big and it’s not loud. But it can move mountains. And it’s inspiring as hell to be with.
Be a king. The queens will follow.
Oh…and that keychain…I ordered it as I was writing this article.
Again, the most important client is the man in the mirror.
What’s your take on what you just read? Comment below or write a response and submit to us your own point of view or reaction here at the red box, below, which links to our submissions portal.
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Photo by Pawel Maryanov