Most of us think that two is the most stable number in relationships. But that’s not true. Every dyad needs a third to stabilize it.
I know this might sound somewhat strange but when you examine relationships from a systemic viewpoint, this process becomes evident. The process of including a third in a dyad is called triangulation.
When do couples triangulate?
Triangulation is a natural and unavoidable dynamic that occurs in every intimate relationship, especially during tense periods. Triangulation occurs when both partners are not sufficiently differentiated. Differentiation is my ability to be myself and also to be an intimate relationship (click here to read more about differentiation). When anxiety levels are beyond the capacity of the partners to contain, a third party enters the dyad (whether on their own initiation or baited by one of the partners). Triangulation can happen with a child (or children), a best friend, a sibling, a mother (or a relative), even a therapist.
Here are some common triangulation scenarios:
- A dyad is stable; then a third is added and destabilizes the relationship, such as the birth of the first child.
- A stable twosome is destabilized when a third is removed. For example, “the empty nest” when the last child leaves home.
- An unstable twosome is stabilized with an addition of the third. For example, a young couple chooses to move in with one of the couple’s parents until they save enough money to buy their own place.
- An unstable twosome becomes stabilized with the removal of the third. For example, when the single best friend, who has been over-involved with the dyad, finally gets married and moves away.
How does triangulation work in couples?
The starting point is a dyad that is close, and a third party who is peripheral and removed. When the dyad gets too “heated,” partners try to regulate themselves and contain the anxiety within the crucible of the relationship. When the anxiety becomes too much to control, triangulation might occur in two ways:
- The partner that is the least comfortable reaches out to a third party in an attempt to create a coalition against the partner.
- A third party enters the dyad uninvited, in an attempt to “help” the dyad. For example, the wife’s mother rushes in to bring peace between the couple, even though no one explicitly has asked for her assistance.
What happens once the third party enters the dyad?
The triangulation process includes three roles: The Generator, Amplifier, and Dampener.
The generator is the person who feels the most angst and therefore is trying to initiate the triangulation.
The amplifier is the partner who can’t remain calm near the nervous generator, which increases the overall anxiety in the dyad.
That is when the dampener, usually the more removed party, “swoops” in to mediate, regulate, or attract the fire.
The cost of triangulation
Triangulation is indeed natural and unavoidable. Yet the problems begin when the triangulation is fixed and rigid.
I see this often in my family therapy practice. Children get triangulated all the time (especially in divorced families). When the mother and father can’t get along, they start to communicate (or attack) through their child. This forces in effect the child to choose and pick sides. Sometimes, when triangulation is rigid and loaded, the child might actually develop a symptom, which will force both parents to work together “against” them.
In couple therapy, the therapist is the third. Every couple, sooner or later, will try to triangulate the therapist to join their coalition in order to convince, change, or judge their partner.
So even though in the short run, triangulation lowers anxiety and stabilizes the dyad, in the long run, it prevents growth. Triangulation locks people in a small and reactive stance, where instead of entering the crucible and confronting their differences and challenges In order to grow, they remain securely in their comfort zone without growing (after all, the famous saying is there is no growth in the comfort zone and no comfort in the growth zone).
This gets even stickier when the third party is more than happy and eager to get triangulated because it’s “cold outside” and oftentimes they derive meaning from being the U.N., savior, or mediator.
How do you soften triangles?
Two elements are crucial in keeping triangles in check: observation and control.
Observation
Understanding the concept of triangulation and becoming more aware of its operation is the first step. How can you tell whether you are triangulated or triangulating someone else?
- Usually, the induction doesn’t occur verbally and overtly, but rather in a more implicit, nonverbal dynamic.
- You might feel angry, overwhelmed, charmed, cried out for, or pulled in to save the day by one of the partners.
- You might find yourself, with all good intentions, wanting to take sides, advocate for one party, give advice, or just get activated into action by what you witness.
Control
“if you’re not with me, you’re against me” is a successful common way to enlist a third.
As the third:
- Resist the urge to get involved, thereby blocking their exits and giving them the gift of growth.
- Grounded responding. Remain grounded, connected to yourself, and do not get triggered (also called differentiated), when being pulled in through criticism, mockery, or even ultimatums.
- Emotional neutrality. Yes, you are allowed to voice your opinion, but the moment you try to judge, convince, fix, or educate one of the partners, you are essentially being triangulated.
- Remain playful and light, even when tensions are high in the dyad.
- Remain in touch with both sides. Try to empathize with both parties. When you stop talking to one side, you are basically being triangulated.
As the amplifier/triangulator:
- When you feel the urge to gossip, consult, or involve a third (read triangulate), stop, stake a breath, see what is happening to you.
- Own your shadow. Why are you getting so triggered that you want to run away to a third?
- Try instead to remove yourself from your partner, take a few moments to regulate yourself: Breathe, eat, exercise, journal, or even talk to yourself.
- Say the thing. Share with your partner your need to talk to someone else. Oftentimes, just stating the urge to triangulate can help tame it (“Name It to Tame It”).
You might never be able to completely un-triangulate in your intimate relationships, but every little step you take helps the whole system raise differentiation. Learning how to control the intensity of the triangle will help you block your relational exits and deepen the intimacy and growth in your partnership.
After all, more often than not in every dyad, “three is a crowd.”
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References
Bowen, M. (1993). Family therapy in clinical practice. New York: Jason Aronson.
Bowen, M., & Kerr, M. E. (2009). Family evaluation. New York, NY: WW Norton & Company.
Schnarsh, D. (1997). Passionate marriage: Keeping love and intimacy alive in committed relationship. New York, NY: Owl books.
Originally published at https://www.psychologytoday.com.
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Previously Published on medium
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