Dr. Max Wachtel speaks out on the one rule that can save our boys.
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Dr. Max Wachtel is a forensic psychologist and author of The One Rule for Boys. When I first heard about him, my thoughts immediately shifted to television shows like CSI and Law and Order. The question became, “what is a forensic psychologist doing talking about one rule for boys?” After speaking in length with Dr. Wachtel, it became obvious that his career path had more to do with our boys and men than anyone could ever imagine.
As a psychologist with the Colorado Center for Clinical Excellence, and for 9News KUSA-TV in Denver, Colorado, Dr. Wachtel works hard to provide the best outcomes possible for teens and adults in need of his services. Through his work, however, he has spent time working with thousands of boys and men that have been caught up in the criminal justice system. His focus on assessments and evaluating why they were in the position they were in sparked an awakening in him he wants to share with the world. A common thread he found in doing his work, or the ‘one rule’ he recently decided to write about is “when boys are taught and encouraged to recognize and express their feelings, and to understand how other people feel―rather than being tough, unemotional, and clueless about the motivations of others―the world becomes a happier, healthier, and safer place.”
Dr. Wachtel aka Dr. Max as I like to refer to him says “I see what happens when things go badly for boys and men and when men don’t have the emotional awareness and don’t understand what’s going on inside their own heads or the heads of others. It can cause them to become aggressive, confused and have lack of empathy and compassion. It can lead to trouble at work, in relationships and can even lead to more crime. It creates a cycle of downward spirals. I do want people to keep in mind that most boys and men are ok but there is a growing group that needs additional help.” He goes on further to say “even with that, as parents of people who are ok, we still need to ask ourselves, ‘what could we do better?’ It became clear if we give boys tools to be emotionally aware and prepare them with empathy skills it can help them do better.”
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“When boys are taught and encouraged to recognize and express their feelings, and to understand how other people feel―rather than being tough, unemotional, and clueless about the motivations of others―the world becomes a happier, healthier, and safer place.”
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Dr. Wachtel describes the one thing that we all need but we sometimes forget to focus on with kids is empathy. He describes empathy as simply an intellectual ability to understand other people. As we discussed empathy in detail, I wanted to know if there was a role for moms in this quest to help boys and men since there are many female headed homes. He noted “research is pretty clear that single moms can raise boys that grow into solid, healthy men even if they don’t have a male role model around but part of what moms can do to make that happen is work on their son’s emotional intelligence and they will begin to figure things out as they gain empathy skills.” He also applauded the efforts that have been made to shed light on inequality issues for women and talked about the strides made for our girls and women. He alluded to an advantage women may have with historical views showing us being strong in empathy and how women could help a lot with boys to balance needs being met as to avoid the pendulum swinging too far on either side.
In his new book “The One Rule for Boys” Dr. Wachtel wants parents to really get the message that we would be best served by having a “full sense of what is really going on with our boys BEFORE we even begin to try and fix a problem or assume there is one.” He does go on further to say “the picture is not totally grim.” With strong conviction in his voice, there was no doubt during our conversation that his passion for helping our boys and men is authentic and he wants to make a difference for the sake of all regardless of race, ethnicity, economic class or orientation. His heartbreak after the shootings in Aurora, Colorado and Newtown, Connecticut were the catalyst that made him realize he could not wait any longer to write a book to support parents, educators and community leaders with the needs of our boys and men. He wanted to answer his own question “what can I do to help people get better at raising their boys?”
I also asked Dr. Wachtel about the legal system as it pertains to boys and men of color. He felt “the legal system is supposed to be blind to race and in some ways it is but in others is not.” Though he acknowledged that there issues that exist, he offered this very insightful commentary “a big part of the issue is a lot of people have a hard time relating to these concerns because they have personally had a very positive experience dealing with the police or legal system and it’s hard for them to put themselves in others shoes and where they see or experience the bias. To do so is to use your empathy skills to be able to have that intellectual understanding of a person’s experience. This is not a rubber stamp for another’s behavior, but an ability to understand what a person has gone through to understand the world, have realistic emotions and behaviors. On a societal level many haven’t had that experience and it is hard for them to have empathy not having that. “ To his point, this is yet another reason why it is important for parents to work on this skill.
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Dr. Wachtel spoke on the significance of parental fostering of emotional intelligence empathy and reflective thinking. This type of thinking includes critical thinking towards self-awareness and what others are going through. He believes “this will end up helping a lot of the societal problems we have because we are all able to at least attempt to see another person’s point of view and have a productive dialogue about it.” In agreement, I believe if we are able to begin this at home, eventually this will find its way into our legal system. Because the justice system is more process oriented at this moment, it is almost unrealistic to expect empathy to be in place in a system that is not built to be empathetic. In that vein, this makes the importance of the learned skill of empathy even more valuable within the family structure to assist in avoidance of mass incarceration of boys and men.
On his final thoughts, Dr. Wachtel mentioned the clear research on the impact of emotional awareness and empathy for our boys and men. By placing more focus on this topic he stated “boys are less aggressive, more assertive, have a higher quality of friends, get better jobs, get more chances to get into college if they want to, they are happier, treat women better, have better marriages and are better leaders. And because they have that emotional tool they can take that and think critically about it. It’s like having a super power.”
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Main image: imagesbywestfall / flickr
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I think teaching empathy is great, but I don’t think that’s going to make a bit of difference unless you teach self worth. If I don’t believe that I deserve compassion, how will I give it to you when I put myself in your place?
Thanks for the comment, John. One of the amazing things about empathy (and there is strong research that backs this up) is that developing empathy skills also increases a boy’s feeling of self-worth. It increases his level of life satisfaction, and it almost always increases compassion levels. There aren’t a lot of good explanations as to why this happens the way it does, but the phenomenon definitely occurs. If you increase empathy, you also increase your self-confidence and sense of self-worth.
Part of the problem with all of our young kid’s and teens is that more and more people are growing up in single parent homes and are parenting different than their parents parented. Meaning many parents today want to be friends with their kid’s by solving all of their problems for them instead of parenting them. I do agree that we place an unfair expectation on boy’s in which they are not suppose to express their emotions.
“but part of what moms can do to make that happen is work on their son’s emotional intelligence and they will begin to figure things out as they gain empathy skills.” Many of these calls for making boys more compassionate and sensitive seem to be directed at fathers, with the assumption that mothers are by nature empathetic and in-touch with their feelings. Maybe many are, but an enormous psychic wound I suffered in my childhood was through being raised by a highly narcissistic mother who lacked these qualities. In my opinion there is not enough attention brought to the plight… Read more »
Rick, if I’ve heard it once, I’ve heard it a hundred times. Things are different now and we have to adapt to the way it is now. There is limited interesting in providing kids with two parent families these days. More kids then any time in history, are being raised by one parent which is usually the mom.
Sadly, many of the single parents now only have the internet to coach them in how to raise kids. It’s wonder that parents are able to tie their shoes these days much less raise kids.
That is an excellent point, Rick. It is very important to recognize that some mothers are completely incapable of empathy (and of teaching empathy to their children). In that case, it is my hope that other family members and/or teachers can help kids pick up the essential emotional skills they need.