Healing a broken heart is complicated. I once described breakups in a previous article as a shattered mirror. I will leave that description below because it is more than relevant.
Imagine standing in front of a gigantic mirror where you see yourself and your surroundings.
You see your reflection and everything around you perfectly well.
Everything is fine. Your reflection in the mirror looks good. You see the place you are in clearly.
Now, heartbreaks are when this mirror shatters into a million, sharp pieces. Some pieces are big, others are small. All are sharp. And all will hit you as hard as possible.
They will wound you when they hit you.
Some will hit you now; some will hit you later.
The main idea is that the mirror is now but a sharp, harmful object that will hit you painfully. A million times.
It can get shattered instantly and with no warning. Or a few cracks here and there can eventually destroy it.
But it is not only that. Things are worse.
You can no longer see yourself or your surroundings. And if you do, it is a reflection that is not only not clear but also deceiving.
The way you see yourself and the world will get a hard hit, regardless of how independent you are.
And a million pieces will hit you a million times, in a different million places.
The details hurt. The scents. The music. The places. The voice. The photos. The random memories. The phone calls. The hugs. The flowers. The tears.
Funny how you are left with the latter.
You need to know at what stage you currently are. Working at the wrong thing at the wrong time will only lead to more pain and slow down your recovery process.
Many people act as if they were in stage 3 and do what they should do while in that stage. But in reality, they are in stage 1 or 2. Therefore, they don’t recover.
In the article, I will briefly explain each stage, what emotions and actions characterize it, what to expect, the major mistakes that keep you stuck in that stage, and how to move from it to the next one.
This will give you an eye-bird view of the whole process. You will know where you are, where to go, and how to go there. Sure, it won’t be that simple, but clarity makes a huge difference.
Stage #1: Reality-shattering stage
When you lose a relationship, you lose a part of yourself. The deeper the relationship, the bigger that part will be.
This is not only about romantic relationships. You lose a part of yourself when you lose a job, travel abroad, or even move to a new house. In romantic relationships, the loss is usually bigger because they are intimate (and they make you vulnerable).
During your interaction with someone, you reveal parts of yourself. You might even discover new parts of yourself.
Let’s say that a part of your identity is created or revealed through your relationship with this person. You even set goals or make visions (even if tiny or unconscious) based on your newly seen/created identity.
Losing a relationship means the death of all these parts and goals.
If your entire identity is based on this relationship and you have no life outside of it (you are clingy and codependent), you will lose your whole identity. But even if you are independent, have autonomy, and have a strong identity (which is based on a healthy lifestyle), you will still lose a part of yourself.
This is the stage where you will feel grief, sadness, anger, depression, humiliation, and self-pity. This is where you might question yourself, your lovability, and even your worth.
This is when you start seeing how the relationship was not working. You will fluctuate between grief, anger, and sadness. In short, it is a painful stage.
One of the mistakes many people make here is trying to numb the painful feelings. They try to go to the next stage (trying to recover), thinking they can skip this stage.
They drink, get into relationships, and do whatever it takes to not face the painful emotions and the micro-destruction their identity underwent.
Another common mistake people make is rejecting this stage. They try to rebuild the relationship again or deny that it died.
This is when they try to contact their ex and win them back. It is when they keep looking at the pictures instead of deleting them, re-reading the chats, stalking their ex on social media, and checking whether they are “fine” or not.
These behaviors do only one thing: reopening the wound and slowing the recovery process. They will keep you stuck in this stage forever. You are trying to heal your wounds instantly, ignoring that they must take their time. Counterintuitively, doing so will open up their wounds and delay recovery.
Stage #2: The gray area
This is when you start accepting the end of your relationship and the micro-damages (or the total destruction) to your identity goals. You realize what you lost, whether it was your fault or not.
In this stage, you have felt pain, grief, sadness, anger, and even resentment. You felt them deeply. At the same time, you are starting to move on. You are not trying to contact your ex or win them over. You are not stalking them on social media. But you are still in pain.
Why is that? It is because your reality is still shattered. Your identity is still hurt. Your new identity is still in progress or non-existent. Your goals are still unclear. You are out of a place you used to love. However, you still have no place to go.
As humans, when we undergo any change, regardless of whether we chose it or it was imposed on us, we go through a period where we are no longer where we were and, at the same time, not yet in a new, better place.
Usually, failing to create a new reality will make us more likely to miss our old one and try to rebuild it, even if it was toxic.
During this stage, you are more likely to “relapse” and do stupid things like trying to win your partner back. Unlike the first stage, where you contact your partner out of denial and because you are in too much pain, in this stage, you are trying to get your partner back because you are lost.
It is not bad to still be in the building process. It is okay if you are still collecting your pieces, building a new life, and recreating your life. Although it is confusing, and you might doubt whether you will make it or not, it is necessary and normal (but it is still painful!).
The pain of this stage usually consists of nostalgia, grief, self-questioning, doubts, and even hopelessness. You might have confusing feelings urging you to contact your partner and “just see how they are doing”. You might ruminate on the good traits of your partner and who you were with them.
But what most people miss is that this stage is a sign you have to focus more on building a new reality, identity, and maybe even a life. Don’t get me wrong, this is not about finding a new partner and taking your baggage to the next relationship. This is about making sense of your reality, life, and identity all over again.
It is sad but true. Most people get stuck in this stage almost indefinitely.
Stage #3: Reality-building stage
This is when you actually start to heal. You start healing the wounds by building a new identity and accepting the death of your older one. You have compelling goals and visions that inspire you instead of the failed goals you had to bury with your heart somewhere in your backyard.
Your life is different now. You are discovering new parts of yourself and looking at yourself in a more positive light. You let go of the parts of yourself that you lost when that relationship ended.
In short, you start building and seeing new and better parts of yourself. This is when you move to pursue other goals that are good for you. It is when you start replacing the old reality you had in the dead relationship with a new reality that inspires you and is good for you.
Usually, most of the negative feelings felt during the previous stages lessen or at least neutralize. You are no longer interested in getting back to where you were; you are compelled by a vision for a new identity, life, goals, and journey.
At this point, you can get into new relationships which are not rebounds. You also make sense of the shattered pieces of your reality. This means you see the relationship for what it was, learn the lessons, internalize the new experience, and move forward with more wisdom and clarity on what you want.
You accept the death of some parts of yourself and start building stronger and better alternatives in their place. It is easy to write such a sentence, but it is not that easy to do this.
However, it is possible. It is worth it. And you owe yourself that.
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I hope this was helpful
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