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Love is such a scary thing — we all feel it but none of us know what it is.
We are expected to go through life meeting people and learning to love them without guidance. No wonder we do it all wrong. Sometimes we hit the jackpot and meet the right person, other times, we curse ourselves for ever loving them.
One in 4 women and one in 7 men will experience relationship abuse at least once in their lifetime.
Spotting the difference between a healthy and an unhealthy relationship is the first step to not becoming a victim or victimizing someone ourselves.
So What Does an Unhealthy Relationship Look Like?
- Walking around with shades so dark, they can’t see your bruised eyes.
- Tying a scarf around your neck on a hot sunny day to hide the mark — and not the kinky kind.
- Wanting more than anything to leave the abuse, but can’t for whatever reason — fear, love, or most likely both.
Though these are extreme examples, all unhealthy relationships have something in common: Abuse. Be it physical, emotional, or mental.
“An abusive relationship is like a cancer of the spirit.” — Lorraine Nilon
In unhealthy relationships, it’s not uncommon to hear victims apologize for existing. This is because the abuser has lost all respect for their partner and has somehow manipulated them into believing they’re worthless.
“One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that if you treat people as if they are less than human, then they will become less than human.” – Nelson Mandela
This is what unhealthy relationships look like.
Pointlessly causing suffering to one’s partner to increase one’s ego or to compensate for the suffering they’ve experienced themselves.
How About What a Healthy Relationship Look Like?
“A healthy relationship is one in which the loved one is free to be himself – to laugh with me, but never at me; to cry with me, but never because of me.” – Michelle Obama
Healthy relationships are boring — but boring is good.
- Waking up in the morning.
- Receiving a text or a kiss on the cheek from your partner before you go to work (or they go to work).
- Getting a sweet or naughty text from them while at work or home.
- Come back from work to unwind with them while you talk about God knows what.
- Going to sleep to do it all again the next day. Only sometimes maybe not sleep at all (wink, wink).
It sounds boring, right? It is — but notice how there’s not a single abusive or manipulative moment. Just exist with your partner because you love being around them.
Not once will they make you apologize for existing.
That is what healthy relationships look like. The utter and complete lack of abuse or manipulation — just respect, care, and stability with both feeling loved and wanted.
How They Can Both Take the Form of The Other
Unhealthy relationships don’t start unhealthy. They feel like hitting the jackpot — like how we think healthy relationships should start.
The start of many unhealthy relationships feels exciting! The conversations, the s*x, and the speed.
The soon-to-be victim believes the relationship is progressing super fast because they are so compatible. But as time goes by, it slowly turns into what it is: Unhealthy.
One thing you should always look for is the pacing of the relationship. If it’s progressing a little too fast for comfort, no matter how good it feels, back up.
You need to have boundaries in place to prevent you from falling into the hands of an abuser.
Healthy relationships on the other hand might start slowly — unlike what you see on TV or read in books. The lack of excitement can make it appear unhealthy.
Everything happens at its own pace. Maybe you go on like 50 dates before you invite them to your place. It can feel slow. Slow, but comfortable.
As time goes by after you’ve warmed up and gotten to know each other properly, you can then decide if they are right for you. If they are, that’s when you may have just hit the jackpot. If they aren’t, no damage is done.
Unlike unhealthy relationships, healthy relationships get better with time. It does not erode, it builds.
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Unhealthy relationships can look like healthy relationships and vice versa. Don’t let their dual nature deceive you. Have a keen eye to spot the differences both of them have.
If your eyes fail you, follow your gut. Deep down, we all know what unhealthy looks like — but something is alluring about it that makes it so attractive.
Rule of thumb: If it feels too good to be true, it likely is.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
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Photo credit: Vitolda Klein on Unsplash