One of the biggest questions a lot of people ask themselves after a breakup is whether or not they should use the “no contact rule” on their ex. Many people are unsure if it’s the right thing to do to achieve their goals about their ex. But what exactly is the no contact rule all about and how does one go about using it?
Right after a breakup, there’s usually a certain degree of tension that develops between the parties involved. This often results from the hurt and anger over the breakup in general.
During this period, almost anything you say or do geared towards getting your ex back mostly ends up worsening the situation. And this is irrespective of your supposed good intentions.
It’s to forestall such unfortunate happenings and giving you a better chance at your relationship that gives rise to usual recommendation to implement the no contact rule after a breakup.
In reality, implementing the no contact rule puts you in a very strong position for either of two possible scenarios:
- Moving on with your life, or
- Getting your ex back again
What Is The No Contact Rule?
The no contact rule is essentially founded on the maxim that “absence makes the heart grow fonder”. This is so true and is why the no contact rule to get your ex back can be such a highly effective strategy.
Basically, the no contact rule is a technique that’s used by someone who’s been dumped or broken up with. It’s a mature and appropriate response to the one who broke up the relationship.
The no contact rule helps the one who has been broken up with to regain some control and get their personal power back. This is achieved by him or her deciding to cut off all forms of conceivable communication with the person severed the relationship.
By not contacting the partner who broke up the relationship, the abandoned person is essentially showing maturity, dignity, and strength. When the abandoned person doesn’t act the way the dumper expects, the dumper starts thinking that maybe they weren’t as important to their ex as they earlier thought.
Purpose of the No Contact Rule
Before we go on, it’s however important to understand something about the no contact rule. The no contact rule essentially achieves the following two strategic goals.
1. Rebuilding and Empowering Yourself
Firstly, the primary purpose of the no contact rule is to rebuild yourself so that you can outgrow your ex. This reason for this is simple.
Until you learn to live without your ex, you’re most likely to appear needy and desperate when you see or talk to them. Such acts only make you look the more unattractive to your ex.
Thus, the primary intention of the no contact rule is to help you take some time apart for yourself. The goal is for you to use this time period to effectively rebuild your self-confidence and overall outlook.
A great way to achieve this is by spending the period of the no contact rule in self-improvement and other productive activities. The goal should be to use these activities to develop yourself emotionally and physically.
For instance, you can start a fitness program in a local gym or get involved in some sort of community service. You can also take up a music or dancing class. The idea is to take pleasure in any kind of fun and challenging activities that keeps your mind off you ex.
Such exciting and self-challenging activities can significantly help to boost your self-confidence. Generally, when you properly implement the no contact rule, it has the effect of making you a happier and more confident individual. One of the side effects of this is that it makes you more attractive to your ex.
2. Side Effect of Your Ex Missing You
Thus, the second effective prong of this rule is the noticeable added benefit of your ex starting to miss you. After about two or more weeks of effectively not communicating with your ex, they’ll start missing your presence in their life.
They’ll naturally become curious about what you’re up to and what you could be doing and with whom. Their missing you coupled with the changes they’ll start noticing in your life, will give your ex a wakeup call.
This often has the powerful effect of making them to start doubting their decision of breaking up with you. The no contact rule after a breakup thus has the effective power of turning the tables in your favor.
So, the focus should be on the impact the no contact rule is going to have on you personally. You should do it because you want your personal power back and to once again experience the bliss of being in control of your own life.
Thus, the chief purpose of the no contact rule is not to directly make your ex miss you. This is only a side effect or more appropriately, a benefit of no contact rule, that comes from applying the rule.
With this major understanding guiding your decision to implement the no contact rule, your ability to stick to the rule becomes much easier.
Also, this understanding can significantly help to reduce the amount of time spent thinking of about your ex. You’ll notice this effect as you become considerably more focused on improving yourself.
Effects of The No Contact Rule
The no contact rule technique is indeed very powerful yet it needs correct implementation. Else, you could just be making it more difficult to get back together with your ex or moving on with your life.
Establishing the no contact rule between you and your ex after a breakup gives both of you the chance to calm down. Also, pleading with your ex to take you back must be something to avoid at all cost.
Such an act will only make you lose face before your ex. It’ll make you simply look weak and desperate to them. Instead, with proper implementation of the no contact rule, your ex will see a happier you and also begin to miss you.
These are what increases your chances of getting him or her back into your life if that’s what you finally decide on after completing the rule.
But there’s also the possibility of coming to the conclusion that it’s best to move on after the breakup. In fact, you can’t really tell what your final decision will be if you sincerely implement the no contact rule.
There’s a reason for taking this position. This is that the no contact period after a breakup allows you to see things in a new perspective. It also allows you to come into touch with your true feelings and affection towards your ex. The no contact period can thus be a truly self-revealing time.
Situational Application of the Rule
While most of the above might sound easy to implement, the contrary is often the case. Cutting off communication with someone you’ve been in love with is definitely not going to be that easy. Deciding to carry it out and adhering to that decision are two completely different things.
Another serious consideration to bear in mind has to do with the reasons and circumstances surrounding the breakup. It’s an agreed upon fact that the no contact rule is highly plausible in most general breakup situations.
Yet, it could be a bit tricky to manage depending on how the relationship ended and its peculiar circumstances. One such situation is where the partners have children together. The degree of applicability of the no contact rule is definitely going to be different in this situation.
There are also lots of instances where during the breakup, there were lots of hot tempers flying off. Also, there might have been unpleasant comments that left each partner embittered.
In such circumstances, there’s definitely a need for both partners to calm down personally before resuming any reasonable communication. These scenarios and other similar breakup situations are why there’s a high rate of recommendations to start the no contact rule after going through a breakup.
How to Start Using the No Contact Rule
A good way to start using the no contact rule is to try calling your ex a few days following the breakup. If they pick up your call, you need to first apologize for the breakup.
Then, let him or her know that you would want to spend some weeks alone. You should also politely request that they refrain from contacting you during this period.
On the other hand, they may refuse picking your calls since they’re the ones who broke up with you. If this is the case, you should not continue calling your ex but go ahead and start implementing the no contact rule.
Thus, starting the no contact rule essentially involves the adaption of any of the following methods:
- Telling your ex that you’ll not be contacting them anymore for now and that they should equally not contact you.
- Not telling your ex anything and simply staying incommunicado with them. You simply cut off any conceivable communication channel existing hitherto between both of you.
- Thirdly, but often advised against, is not telling your ex anything while still allowing them to keep contact with you and you replying.
As earlier pointed out, one of the realities of starting and properly implementing the no contact rule is that you cannot specifically say where it might lead you. You might start with thinking of getting your ex back but end up deciding to move on instead. So you can use the no contact rule to move on after a breakup.
While the no contact rule may appear paradoxical at first, if implemented correctly, its effectiveness is incontestable. The rule simply turns the tables in your favor. This is either in you deciding to get back together with your ex or moving on after a breakup.
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This post was previously published on Loving-Relationship.com and is republished on Medium.
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