Dr. Ari DeLevie shares a personal experience that reminded him why people with PTSD need to smile more.
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I bought a tux 20 years ago, and I use it once a year for New Year’s, which was fast approaching. The bow tie is shot, threads are hanging from it.
… I said to my partner, “I feel badly. Maybe he has PTSD, and that’s the best he can do.”
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My partner and I entered a men’s store, which was empty and quiet, and waited. Nobody was in sight. We called “Hello, anybody here?” and minutes passed before an unshaven, sullen looking guy appeared. He didn’t greet us, he just stood there. He didn’t ask what we needed. I asked for a bow tie. He pulled a few from under the counter and tossed them on the counter, “This is the most popular,” he muttered. We asked to see other models, which he also tossed on the counter. We compared some patterns, didn’t like any, and pointing to a whole row of bow ties in different colors, we asked, “And what about these?” He replied tersely, “They are in colors.”
Duh!
We then said to him, “You’re not being helpful,” and left. He lost the sale, and potential customers for a future sale. If he’s an employee and his boss saw the interaction, his job may be in jeopardy. If he is the owner, his business may be in jeopardy. Either way, not good.
On the way out of the parking lot, I said to my partner, “I feel badly. Maybe he has PTSD, and that’s the best he can do.”
We pondered it for a while and concluded that even if that were the case, his attitude and demeanor were harmful to him.
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Being grumpy, impatient, and socially distant is one of the many manifestations of PTSD.
So, here’s the problem. Let’s say you are a veteran who went through very difficult times during your one or more deployments, and you return home to find that life is just normal for everyone – everyone but you.
People “worry” about things that you consider plain nonsense, like the garbage wasn’t picked up on time, a package didn’t arrive, too much traffic, the kid’s teacher is a pain. From where you’ve been, “worrying” had to do with staying alive! With not getting shot at, with not seeing buddies hurt, with being able to drive from point A to point B, which may be only a few hundred yards apart, and getting there without an IED blowing up. That’s real worry. That’s life and death. You took deep breaths, and even if you’re not religious, you probably said, “Please God….” and you meant it.
Back home, those fears, that holding your breath, bracing for explosions, dreading going out because that meant danger, continue. Now there is no objective reason to be fearful, because the streets are populated with your people, not Taliban or other Jihadists who are out to hurt you. But, it is difficult to separate, or to be sure.
While they may be aware how terrible it was in Iraq, in Afghanistan — they watched it on CNN and in the movies — they simply do not connect it with a men’s clothing store sales person.
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Now, back home, you get a job, as a salesperson in a men’s store, let’s say — and in walks this well dressed, carefree couple, who, of all things — how trivial — are looking for a bow tie. How absurd, how unimportant. And they have a million questions, and they’re impatient, and picky, and all you can do is to try to push intrusive bad thoughts out of your head, and you couldn’t give a damn about their bow tie. Yes, it is your job, and you feel lucky that you have one, because it pays the bills and is “normal,” and you used to like being around nice clothes, but now? Your head is in a completely different place. This couple, these nasty customers, if they only knew what you went through, they’d be on their knees thanking you for protecting them and their country. They’d be grateful that you left your family and placed yourself in harm’s way for their safety.
Except, sadly and infuriatingly, they would do no such thing. While they may be aware how terrible it was in Iraq, in Afghanistan — they watched it on CNN and in the movies — they simply do not connect it with a men’s clothing store sales person. All they see is a grumpy clerk. And, even if they knew a little more, they might not feel that they owe you anything. And that notion might clash with your expectations. After all, you went there to be a brave soldier, while they continued a charmed, essentially worry-free life. Now you’re back, and they should give you all the consideration in the world. Although your body is back in Arkansas or Connecticut, your heart and mind is still overseas.
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So how do you reconcile the sad and anxious feelings, the anger, the disappointment? How do you reconcile the difficulty of getting back to civilian life, with the need to be a helpful, smiley, polite salesman?
It is difficult, for sure.
PTSD is an internal injury, like a heart problem. It isn’t visible, yet it is a very real injury.
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But you’ve done it before. Just like you’ve acted many times before in your life, right back to first grade, when you had to pull back and do what the teacher said even if you didn’t like it, and surely, in the army with that mean drill sergeant. And you actually got quite good at it.
Yes, sometimes you have to fake it, but before that, there’s a very important point. As we said before, there may be an expectation in you, that you deserve the best, that people owe you, that because you were overseas and “they” were not, “they” should cut you some slack.
The problem is, that PTSD is not like a lost limb, which is obvious to the eye. PTSD is an internal injury, like a heart problem. It isn’t visible, yet it is a very real injury. People do not know that you are struggling with PTSD, unless they personally know you well. While people might move away and let a person in a wheelchair pass, they won’t “move away” for you — they have no idea what’s happening inside your head. And, even if they knew, they might not want to put up with a grumpy salesperson.
Remember, the public doesn’t know you personally. And, some of them also have their own problems. You wouldn’t know, for example, that a particular customer is fighting cancer, because that’s also not visible. Lower your expectations. The less you expect to get special consideration, the less disappointed, the less angry you’ll be.
And then you begin a cycle. The cycle of you smile, and people smile back. That feels good, and you smile again, and you make the sale. And making a sale, brings on yet another smile.
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There is much scientific evidence that smiling is good for you, for your health and your mental health. When a person smiles, the brain releases a number of “feel good” chemicals, such as endorphins, dopamine, serotonin. These have antidepressant effects and can lower blood pressure and heart rate.
… letting go of expectations of others, and giving them a smile instead, can help you on the road to your own recovery.
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When you smile, you look more attractive! When you smile, you are perceived as calm and reliable, and a smile begets a smile – people will automatically smile back at you. The whole interaction is much smoother and more comfortable.
The opposite is also true. When you’re distant, short, impatient, grumpy, people will react to you in the same manner. In more severe cases, they’ll just walk out, and worse, some might complain that they weren’t treated well. That wouldn’t be good for you.
Do your best to be pleasant and helpful. It is almost guaranteed to bring good results. During your break, allow yourself to feel how you really feel, perhaps sad, angry, but then shift gears and be back, the friendly, eager to help person. That could lead to a promotion, which will pay more bills, which could move your file from the bottom of the pile to the top.
Which means that just letting go of expectations of others, and giving them a smile instead, can help you on the road to your own recovery.
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Photo: Flickr/Nate Grigg