Today, I walk away. It’s not abandonment. I’m not giving up. I’m just realizing that the course you are on is one I’m not supposed to travel with you. It’s not throwing in the towel, it’s finally seeing that I’m not the one to get you through.
Does this mean I no longer love you? No. Not in the least. If anything, it means I love you enough to step back and let the destruction run it’s course. Sometimes love is best served as a happy memory and a hope for a better future.
Do I hate you? Absolutely not. I could never hate anyone I’ve loved so much as you. Rather, in a way, I love you more. I love you enough to know that by letting you go, I give you the chance to find what you need.
How could I say I hate you, without depreciating every time I showed you love? You see, whatever it was in your life that made you this way, I hate THAT. What made you feel you had to lie about everything? What made you feel you had to self destruct every time you had a chance to succeed? Through our many talks, I have some ideas, but do I know? No. I don’t know, but whatever it was, that is the only thing I’m capable of hating today.
In moments, when you were doing good, I saw you. The real you. I saw the passionate you that valued yourself and your family. I know that one day, that “you” will win over. I also accept that when it does, I won’t be there to see it. This is trip you need to make on your own.
There was a time I made you better. You made me better. Together, we allowed ourselves to live within our imperfections. Somewhere, sometime, those demons came back to you. I could go on and on about how you did me wrong, but the fact is, you hurt yourself so much more. The fact is, I love you enough to know it’s not about what you did to me. It’s about what you do to you.
Eventually, I became what empowered your darkness. You could always come back to me. You always had a net at the end of your run through your torments. I was the one that would always be there. I still am, just now I’m there in thought. I’m the memory of what it was like to truly be loved. When you’re ready, you’ll find yourself drawn to someone that shows you that again.
I think, maybe, that’s what scared you most. How could someone know your deepest, darkest secrets and refuse to let you sink into a self created abyss?
The answer? Simple. I had chosen to love you. Not what you’ve done. Not what you did out of anger or fear. Just you. Beautiful, broken you. I’ve seen days where I thought no one could know me and truly love me. I changed. One day, you will too.
Was that healthy? Probably not. Did it encourage you to do more to shatter yourself? Quite possibly. Was it wrong? I think not. You have been loved. Unconditionally. You still are, just now from a place far enough away to let you finish your journey.
Today, I dream of the time you find yourself truly content and happy.
Today, I hope for the moment you learn giving one hundred percent is worth the gamble.
Today, I smile when I think of you digging out of the loathing and connecting with someone that appreciates you and shows you your value.
Today, I realize that nothing I do can bring you from the insanity you choose for yourself.
Today, I understand that your choices, while unhealthy, will not destroy you and it’s okay to stand back as you learn.
Today, I commit to stepping back as you find what you need to come back to yourself.
Today, I see that I love you more genuinely than ever before.
Today, I walk away.
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