To give you some context, I started reading self-help books before 2010. I started writing online in 2015. I grew as a writer and as someone who was (and still is) genuinely searching for answers to my problems.
I have always found the answers I needed in books. Whenever I had a problem that occupied my mind, I immersed myself in books, searching for hours for solutions and answers.
In general, I usually use the internet to learn about things I am interested in (mostly psychology) or things I am struggling with.
This started in 2010, reaching its peak in 2015 and up to 2019. It is a part of my personality I cannot control. I love searching for answers. I am interested in ideas, sometimes to the point of obsession. I am not complaining, though, as I have learned a lot.
Reading books and listening to intelligent people are useful things to do. However, we need to consider a few things.
In 2010, content creation was a thing. There were some bloggers and YouTubers. The time between 2013 to 2016 was when people like Mark Manson, James Clear, and many respectable writers or “content creators” (I hate this term) gained massive popularity. Other less famous (or local), yet sensible, writers/bloggers were gaining some traction as well.
From those writers, I was introduced to so many great books. I discovered more (credible) people.
At that time as well, I believe, the self-help world was being reformed. There was huge dissatisfaction with some toxic ideas that were being taught in a non-responsible way.
This partially can explain the massive success of Mark’s book The Subtle Art, which he describes as a self-help book for people who hate self-help.
The second major change was that some psychologists and researchers started to step into the self-help world in one way or another. People like Brene Brown, John Gottman, Jordan Peterson, Philip Zimbardo, Robert Waldinger, and many more started sharing their knowledge, which is supported by research and well-documented literature, on a scale.
Those are all positive changes. But those were revolutionary changes; therefore, they had wider impacts, some of which weren’t positive.
There used to be a time when everyone and their dog was a content creator (and a life coach). Nowadays, it is still the same, but everyone has at least 3 dogs.
It is noisy out there, so you need…
The noise out there is overwhelming. The number of people telling you what to do is more than you can process. We are not living in times where information is hard to find. On the contrary, information is all around us, but we need a clear filter to make sense of it.
This clear filter is our judgment, and it consists of three components:
- High-quality knowledge (whether it is based on research or wisdom).
- Our own unique circumstances.
- Your own intuition and inner voice.
When it comes to high-quality knowledge, you need to understand that not everybody speaking online is qualified or wise enough. Social media and the internet allowed everybody to be heard, including stupid people, who are usually louder.
Andrew Tate giving advice on masculinity and dating is the best example of this (and the biggest joke). People confusing Dr. Jordan Peterson’s advice with Tate’s indicates that so many people do not understand what high-quality knowledge is and are blinded by their insecurities.
Real knowledge is deep. It must come from a person who knows what they are talking about. They are not just parroting things they heard somewhere. They actually understand what they are talking about. What they say is only the iceberg of what they know.
It is not difficult to fake that (at least for a while), but the more knowledgeable, well-read, and intelligent you are, the faster you will see through the BS and call it for what it is.
The more BS you put in your mind, the weaker your BS detectors will get. And vice versa.
So, you need to gain knowledge from reliable sources. You should read, watch and listen to well-educated and/or wise people. Simultaneously, this means avoiding parrots and people who are “experts” at faking competence.
This might be a bit harsh, but all of this boils down to how wise you are and how much knowledge you have yourself. If you are a naive 15-year-old guy with an average IQ and have never read a book in your entire life, it is not surprising to be fooled by people like Andrew Tate.
For someone who has read dozens of books written by intelligent, great, and wise people, that is not the case. Someone who has real-life experience with women (or is a wise woman) and challenging life events will see right through the BS coming out of Andrew Tate’s mouth.
Note that I am using just Tate as an example. Given his toxic (but widespread) contribution to the self-help world, he is a perfect example. There are many other examples of people who are less dangerous than Tate and with good intentions. But they are still not knowledgeable and/or educated/wise enough.
People online don’t know you personally
However, every piece of advice you find online or offline is not based on your own circumstances. In most cases, it is a general piece of advice.
It is common sense. It is what most people find correct or the most likely conclusion.
It is a mistake to follow even the best piece of advice all the time. You need to understand the variables that made this advice good. And then you need to keep in mind your own circumstances.
For example, if I am struggling with my partner, I can look for advice from reliable sources (like Gottman or good relationship therapists). But I will always keep in mind that what I am reading (or watching) is generic. I am the only one who knows the details of my relationship and my partner’s unique traits. And above all, I know myself, what I am capable of, my weaknesses, and what makes me happy.
I can look for business ideas online from people who know what they are talking about. But at the end of the day, I am the only one who knows my own abilities, budget, and commitment levels.
Nobody knows the unique details of your problem. Nobody knows your personality and idiosyncrasies better than you do.
And there are times when nobody but you knows what to do with your life, how to solve your problems, and what decisions you should take. During such times, you will need to trust your own opinion and voice. And you cannot do that if you keep listening to the noise of the opinions of everyone (even the good ones).
Responsibility is the keyword
One of the reasons we fail to listen to and trust our own opinion is that we don’t want to take responsibility for the outcomes of our decisions. We just want someone to guide us and tell us what to do.
Plus, we can always tell ourselves that Tate’s advice failed, not us. We will have something and someone to blame.
We are not willing to take the responsibility of thinking and having opinions that might be wrong. We want a ready-made solution.
Those reasons all revolve around the fact that we are not willing to take full responsibility for ourselves. We are trying to outsource our problems and avoid direct responsibility.
Taking responsibility and being honest with yourself about what you believe and think is not easy. But it is your best bet. I will close this article with 2 quotes. One quote is from Steve Jobs; the other is from Jim Rohn.
“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”
-Steve Jobs
“Take advice, but not orders.”
-Jim Rohn
Once you learn to trust your voice, intuition, perspective, and opinions (after thinking deeply and thoroughly), you will develop the type of self-confidence you need to make the bold decisions you need to make in your life. I don’t know where that will take you, but I am sure it will take you to a place that is yours — a place where you belong.
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I hope this was helpful
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