In discussions about discrimination, I’ve noticed one of the many things that triggers some White people, especially White men, into extreme defensiveness is the concept of microaggressions. Whenever I’ve referred to it in casual conversations or in my writing, at least one White guy will inevitably comment and “explain” to me that it’s not fair for someone to be upset by a microaggression because they aren’t intentional.
It just doesn’t seem to compute with some people that it’s the impact on the victim that matters, not the intention of the offender. There seems to be such a desperate need for some people to cling to the idea that because they don’t mean to offend, then the victim simply shouldn’t be offended.
To a certain extent, I understand why people could feel that way. Most of us don’t want to be a jerk, we want to be viewed as kind and decent, especially when we are making an effort to be that way. While I understand the urge to deflect and not accept responsibility for microaggressions, that doesn’t make it OK to do it. As a matter of fact, reacting by willfully refusing to accept responsibility for them is what actually makes you a jerk.
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Actor Michael J. Fox recently published a new memoir and I listened to an interview with him about it on Fresh Air. Fox has Parkinson’s disease and he discussed how his condition forces him to treat people differently. In the interview he explained that because Parkinson’s causes him to lose control of the way his body moves, he is always aware of the physical distance between himself and others. He doesn’t want to inadvertently hurt someone so he stays back.
“My 90-year-old mother — I’m cautious approaching her because I move furtively and quickly and sometimes quite violently, almost, in a way, and I could knock her over. So I’m careful when I’m around people and aware of the spacing between me and them.”
I think his approach to being responsible for the impact his disease can have on others is also the perfect way for people to approach microaggressions.
Imagine you are at a party having a conversation with Michael J. Fox. Suddenly his body moves uncontrollably and he smacks you in the face and knocks you to the ground. How would you react? You would probably be shocked and a bit upset but try to conceal it.
After all, you understand that he has Parkinson’s disease so you know that he didn’t intend to do it. What if he didn’t even acknowledge the pain he caused you because he expected you to just understand that he didn’t intend to knock you over?
Now imagine that most of the time when you went anywhere you chatted with a person with Parkinson’s disease and they inadvertently hit you. Often they don’t even acknowledge it. Sometimes they apologize but when they do they tell you that you should understand that they have Parkinson’s disease and can’t help it.
After a while it would be deeply upsetting, especially when they had an attitude about it and chastised you for not understanding that they didn’t intend to hit you. You aren’t unreasonable for getting angry and expecting the people with Parkinson’s to take some responsibility for the impact they have on you when they punch and knock people over.
Simply understanding that a person with Parkinson’s didn’t mean to hit you doesn’t make the punches sting any less, it doesn’t make the bruises magically disappear. So you would expect that person to take whatever proactive steps they can to prevent themselves from hitting you, even though it’s not their fault they have the disease. Occasionally, they might still inadvertently hit you but it would be easier to forgive when it did happen because it didn’t happen often and you know they are doing what they can to prevent it from happening.
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This is exactly how we need to view microaggressions, as if racism, sexism, homophobia, and every form of discrimination is like a disease we can’t control. It is not our fault that our culture is founded on a White supremacist, cis-hetro, patriarchy and we grow up learning unconscious biases anymore than it is Michael J. Fox’s fault he has Parkinson’s disease. Yet just as Fox takes proactive steps to prevent himself from harming people by keeping a safe distance, we need to be taking proactive steps not to cause microaggressions.
What proactive steps can you take to prevent inadvertently causing harm? Start educating yourself. Read, watch movies and documentaries, take classes. The culture you were raised with presented one perspective, start learning new ones. Seek out new ways of viewing things.
When someone points out that you have made a microaggression resist the urge to explain and justify. Listen, take it seriously even if it doesn’t immediately seem like you are wrong. Reflect on what you were told, think about it from their perspective. It’s hard, I know I struggle with it myself. It doesn’t feel good to realize you offended someone unintentionally. It’s a natural impulse to try to explain that you didn’t mean to cause harm, but we have to resist this impulse.
You aren’t necessarily a bad person if you commit a microaggression, that just shows you are human and the product of a culture that reinforces systemic racism, sexism, homophobia and xenophobia. It’s only when you deny it and refuse to learn from it that you become a real jerk. Expecting the world to just take your verbal punches without complaint because they are unintentional is ridiculous and selfish.
If you view microaggressions like a symptom of disease instead of a character flaw, it’s easier to accept responsibility for it. There is no moral or ethical judgement of a person who inherits a disease, it’s just something that has happened. That makes it easier to accept it and then look for ways to proactively manage the impact of the disease and focus on a cure for it. Just because you aren’t responsible for getting the disease does not absolve your responsibility to do something about it.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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