What Is the Difference Between Love and Lust?

Am I in love or in lust? It’s a question I’ve often asked myself and couldn’t quite get to the answer until now. The truth is, both love and lust disguise themselves as a deep connection. When you meet somebody for the first time who sparks this magnetic pull, you often mistake it for love at first sight.

When I look back at those rare meetings I’ve had with men in the past, the initial contact was always unforgettable. You look somebody in the eyes and those butterflies go crazy. But they flutter in your stomach for both love and lust relationships.

In my life I’ve had five of those instant connections so far (and I have slept with over 100 men; more on this later in my stories). All five were pretty life-changing, but only two were based on love. If I had known the difference between love and lust before that, it would have most likely saved me a lot of heartbreak.

But now that I have learned the lessons with different kinds of people, I can reflect on love vs. lust more easily.

How to tell the difference between love and lust?

1. Lust wants sex, Love wants connection

Looking at your partner in lust will spark a big sexual desire. You just want to have sex with this person no matter what. When I was in lust, I got aroused just walking next to him. I couldn’t stop thinking about our naked bodies in a passionate, hot entanglement. And when it finally happened, I couldn’t get enough of it. I wanted as much sex as I could get.

On the other hand, being in love also creates sexual desire but in a more emotional way. I didn’t have the need to immediately jump on the person I was in love with, but wanted to wait with sex until it was the right time. And when it was the time, I just wanted to feel him inside of me. Not to reach a sexual orgasm, but to be as close as possible to him. I wanted an emotional connection, and sex was just one way to achieve that.

2. Lust sees the physical body, Love penetrates the soul

If you are in lust you feel highly physically attracted to your partner. Everything in their appearance speaks to you and you think they are the sexiest person alive on this planet. You can look at their face and body forever and just see more and more beauty each time. You are proud to walk in public with them, because you know how good-looking they are. If they would change their appearance you would probably lose a lot of that attraction for them.

Love though sees beyond the psychical image. You are attracted to the soul of this person, not to the way they look. They might even look completely different from what you expected to fall for. The two guys I was in love with were short and bold; not something I would initially be attracted to. But the immediate connection to their soul made me fall for them.

3. Lust remembers trauma, Love heals trauma

Lust probably activates a childhood pattern of how your parents gave you attention. In my case, I was in lust with guys who resembled the (toxic) traits of my dad. They were never fully into the relationship, but only gave me attention whenever they felt like it. They also cheated and made me feel like I was never good enough. I felt like I had to prove myself for them over and over again. Sex was the only way to be close to them.

Love also shines a light on your core traumas, but is there to heal you. Love gives you a mirror to really face your shadows but keeps you in a warm embrace. Love doesn’t walk away when things get tough. Love understands that every human being went through something, and it’s there to help you heal from that.

4. Lust is possessive, Love is expanding

Lust tends to make people jealous. The thought of your partner having sex with somebody would nearly kill you. They are yours and yours only! You are probably possessive because you are afraid they will meet somebody better than you and they will eventually run off. You don’t really trust them and all their interaction with the opposite gender will make you anxious. This is because it’s probably true; they will run away with the next person they fall in lust or love with.

When you are in love the idea of your partner having sex with somebody else doesn’t particularly appeal to you either. But the difference between love and lust is that you still feel compassion towards your lover in case this does happen. My ex that I was in truly in love with, was still married and in an open relationship. He would tell me about the sex he had with his wife and even though it did make me uncomfortable, I soon learned that I don’t own him. He is free to give his love to multiple people. In fact, sharing our love between the three of us made it even deeper.

5. Lust is addiction, Love is growth

Lust often manifests itself as an addiction. Deep down you know this person is not good for you, but you can’t resist the attraction. You feel close to them when you are physically together, but when you are apart there is an emotional distance between you two. You constantly crave the attention they give you, but you are not mentally growing together.

However, love makes you grow in all aspects of life. You feel safe and ready to look at your own shadows. You trust to reveal your deepest secrets to this person, and feel they won’t judge you for it. You don’t have to pretend to be someone you are not. There is mutual respect. You feel emotionally connected even if you are far away from each other. Love changes you in the best ways possible.

6. Lust is horny, Love is tantric

Sex when you are in lust is passionate and steamy and horny. You can’t keep your hands off them and want to spend most of your time in bed. When you look at them you feel instantly aroused. The sex itself is focused on your own satisfaction and orgasm, and afterwards you fall asleep quickly. You might also feel an immediate disconnection after sex.

Sex while being in love is very emotional. You want to be vulnerable around them and you can express your sexual needs freely. You have sex with your partner to feel close, not to fulfil a desire. You like pleasing them as much as they like pleasing you. Having sex with my twin flame even became tantric. The world around us stopped existing and it was just us together as one body.

7. Lust is temporary, Love is unconditional

After the first stages of being in lust you start seeing the flaws of your partner. You feel less and less attracted to them and often wonder why you were so into them at all. The excitement of the sex starts wearing off and so does the connection to the person. You might become more open to other people too and eventually the relationship most likely ends.

Truly loving someone means you love their flaws as well. You get closer as the relationship progresses and start making real plans for the future. You know your partner isn’t perfect and neither are you, but you love them even through the tricky times. Real love is unconditional; even if the relationship ends, you will always somehow love them. Because they made you love yourself.

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If you go deeper into the math of why you are in lust, you might discover that you are attracted to this person for the wrong reasons. It’s good to look at yourself when you feel this way. Why are you so attracted to them?

Sometimes lust can turn into love, or love can turn into lust. Love is a complicated emotion, but in the end that’s all we live for.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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