Poll most guys who are online dating and they’ll tell you a variation of the same thing: Women are only interested in tall men (over 6 foot), with cushy jobs, fat paychecks, who have bodies that look like they spend every free moment in a gym — but without actually spending every free moment in a gym.
This is the male gaze of what they think a man who is successful in dating has, but does not reflect what most women actually want. Let’s debunk each of these, shall we?
Abs
Sure, washboard abs are fun to run your fingers over, feeling the ka-thunk, ka-thunk, ka-thunk as you crest the ridges and careen down in between the muscles, but trust me when I tell you that we’d rather take a man with a dadbod who genuinely cares about us over a hyper vain gymrat who is so into himself that he can’t stop taking shirtless gym selfies flashing a duckface or a middle finger. Washboard abs don’t help with household duties. Washboard abs don’t recognize when we are feeling emotionally tapped out, so they draw us a steaming hot bubble bath and bring us candles and our favorite drinks and then let us chill for 45 minutes as we loll about. Washboard and don’t see and don’t care. There is very little room in a relationship for a woman, a man, and his washboard abs.
Bottom line: Women would rather have someone emotionally available and attentive to them than someone who is hyper-fixated on himself.
Tall & Wealthy
From an evolutionary perspective, taller men had longer reaches and might have been less likely to get torn apart by beasts they were hunting than their shorter counterparts. A tall man would have been a better provider if he is more likely to kill the animal and bring back the food and pelts. Plus, a living man is way more attractive than a dead one.
Another reason many women gravitate toward tall men is twofold: Tall men tend to be more confident than their shorter counterparts (perhaps as a byproduct of positive feedback their whole lives). They also tend to earn nearly $800 a year more for every inch they have over 5’5″ which means that a 6-foot man (with the same job, weight, socioeconomic class, and race) will earn approximately $5,600 per year more than if he were only 5’5″. Is it bias on the part of the HR team at his job? Possibly. Is it the confidence about being able to fulfill his job role with which he assures the team? Very likely.
Bottom line: Women love men who are confident in their abilities.
People who are confident are generally more secure. Because they believe in themselves and their abilities to bring about the future they expect, they are also more likely to trust that that future is going to be a good one. While there’s a definite difference between confidence and arrogance — the former being highly desirable and the latter extremely off-putting — they can both draw others in, at least initially. But those who display arrogance often turn off potential mates.
For most women, financial responsibility is important (as far as a man being able to take care of himself,) but these same women would rather have a man who plans for the future and spends within his means (and cares about his partner and family and is willing do what he can to contribute) than a high-spending but affection-absent billionaire. Sure, there are tons of fairy tales where rich-but-brooding princes rescue the damsel in distress, but most women want a partner and not someone to whom they feel beholden.
Most women are handling their stuff just fine, and they’re looking for a man who complements their life, and not one who completes it.
So no, online daters, women are not just looking for the party-boy billionaire who towers over the room with abs of steel under that custom-cut suit. We’re looking for authentic, empathetic, caring partners who will contribute to our lives in a meaningful way. We want someone who makes our lives feel more textured and peaceful. And while we may still want a man who is taller than we are (so that we can feel petite and feminine in his arms,) if that man is 5’9″ — and confident to be honest about it in his profile — and has a dadbod and a blue-collar job, but is responsible with his spending and is emotionally available to us, we will take that guy any day.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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Photo credit: iStock
so you want an alpha, but will “settle” for a “beta”- men know this.